Commanding wife, a bomb in waiting

“Everyday I hope and pray this time it would go away, she loves to criticise and always fuss, she’s driving me insane calling me dirty names”, those are the lyrics from a Boris Gardiner’s 90s classic Commanding Wife.

In the song, Gardiner grieves over his commanding wife whom he feels has emasculated him.
The song may have played in the 90s but issues of commanding wives are yet to end. In fact, it is said they are only on the rise.

But not all emasculated men are going to sing about their situation. Many more are suffering in silence or have given in to their fate.

A man is defined by his masculinity; the ability to behave and act like a man. But sometimes these men are emasculated by the damaging behaviour of their women.
Malele, a 28-year-old newly married Computer Scientist, is caught up in such a dilemma he only noticed recently.

Malele says he did not think his wife’s over assertive character would spill over into their marriage. “As a girlfriend, she would dictate each and every decision in our relationship, but I thought that was a passing phase and went ahead with our marriage plans,” he says.

However, five months into the marriage, Malele is fed up with lack of a chance to make even the simplest of decisions in his home, something he regrets. “My wife’s decisions are final. Her spending ways are as big as her ego. I have even started hiding my income far from my account which can easily access.”
Malele says all friends do is blame him for having ‘groomed’ his wife poorly while still dating by allowing her command him around.

They say he should have curbed that behaviour before marriage and since he did not, he should now be ready to face the consequences of his reluctance to emphasise his masculinity.

Commit when you are sure
Couples who feel their partners are commanding should address these concerns before getting into any kind of commitment so as to weigh how much they can bear because marriage is not a trial and error but a lifetime commitment, according to Joseph Kiberu, a counsellor.

He says that emasculated men lose confidence which leads them into a state of powerlessness, something the woman may take advantage of. “At first the man may not see any harm in it but later he may get fed up as it is not in any man’s nature to be controlled not by anyone.”

Fear of speaking out
Malele is not the only man being emasculated by his wife, suffering at the hands of a commanding woman. David Katumwa, a popular sports equipment entrepreneur, is said to have been victim to this when he fled his house because his wife attempted to beat him up.

But not many men would confess to such because of fear that their manhood will be questioned and their ego hurt.

But Timothy Nyakana, 34, married barrister says a true man is defined by his ability to exercise his manliness, in making decisions, caring for his family, making developments and many more.

“But if your wife influences all these and you are just dragged along then your manhood is questionable.”
Catherine Nanteza, a stay home mother, agrees saying that as a wife, commanding your husband around makes him lose his worth and as a couple you become a subject of gossip among relatives and friends.

“Being a commanding wife should not be mistaken with being a supportive partner because command is exerting force leaving no room for discussion which is bad for any marriage. Commanding your partner around makes them detest you and slowly lose love,” Nanteza adds.
However, Kiberu says some men act that way because of the way they were raised especially those who were being pampered by their parents.

This, he says, compels the women they date to take the upper hand in the relationship and play the man’s role.

“But this switch in roles is bound to come with negative consequences that could lead a relationship to breaking point because of the man not being given the opportunity to act as a man.”

“The best way to help a man out of this would be to push him or help him take on manly roles one step at a time. The woman can still offer advice, support and make decisions without seemingly ridding the man of his manhood,” Kiberu advises.

Emasculated men a turn off
Though some women may crave a man they can easily push about, to others this is a total turn off.

Rebecca Kigozi, a 32-year-old single woman, is one who cannot date such men who “foolishly” let women manipulate them in whichever way possible. “Men are expected to put forth their masculinity in all aspects of life even during courtship but a man who is commanded about by a woman loses my respect and is not a type I can date.”

To this Nyakana agrees, saying he would not by any chance give his daughter a go ahead to marry an emasculated man given that he has no ability to take care of his family as expected of any man. he adds that such a man has childish behaviour and is better off alone instead of straining someone’s daughter.