Heart to Heart

Curiosity killed the cat, so will snooping on your partner

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By Mike Ssegawa

Posted  Thursday, December 12   2013 at  02:00
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Have you ever considered snooping on your partner? Well, let me warn you - you know what they say about curiosity killing the cat.
Here’s a story told of how Rosemary waited for her husband to return home on his 31st birthday. She cooked his favourite meal - fried fish, kachumbali and boiled cassava, plus a bottle of whisky – she knew he loved it.

She waited up for him, but by midnight, Paul had not returned home and his phone was off. Worried that something bad could have happened to her husband, Rosemary called his best friend, who assured her that he was on his way home.
He surely knew where his boy was, but men have a certain loyalty to their friends, even if it means hurting the rest of his family members.

Paul didn’t return home that night. The following day he explained that he was at a friend’s place where they drunk until morning.

“I didn’t realise it was late until Fred said it was 5am. Oh baby – I got scared. I didn’t want to interrupt your morning sleep so I decided to return after the babies had gone to school,” he said.
Rosemary didn’t quarrel. She pretended to have bought his explanation.

When he went to take a shower, she checked his phone. His phone battery was full, but there were no past records - he had deleted everything - missed, dialled and received calls. There were no text messages. She was raving mad.
In the evening, Rosemary couldn’t keep it in and she didn’t wait long before pouring out her heart to her BFF.

“That man is cheating on you,” her BFF said. “If you want to nail him, go to Wilson Street. Those boys sell spyware software that you can install on his phone. It will monitor where he goes – and post the reports on your iPhone. You will also receive the messages and monitor his calls.”
In less than two weeks, Rosemary and Paul’s marriage was on the rocks over claims of infidelity.

“Rosemary, you have been snooping on me? Why would you do that?” Paul protested defensively when confronted with details of his phone communications and places he visits.
Today, the couple lives apart.

In my view, when you suspect your man is having an affair, sit him down. Surely, by the time you suspect, there are already signs flying around. He will most likely deny he is doing anything fishy. However, be firm and tell him the consequences of infidelity and why you are suspicious.
Also find out if there is anything you can do to spice up your marriage. The bottom line is, don’t ever spy on your loved one. Spying on a loved one communicates distrust.

Meanwhile, you need to reduce the secrets your partner doesn’t know about you. Develop communication habits that ensure that your partner knows what you are up to when not at work or places she expects you to be at given times.

And boys, the “friend in need” mantra does not apply only when you are covering for him but – when you care about the larger interests of his family. Before you lie that your friend crashed at your apartment, first establish what impact his action would have on his relationship, especially when he has a ring on it.

In the case of Rosemary and Paul, it would have helped if she sat her man down and asked for an honest accountability of his evening, with him showing some remorse and completely turning his back on his past behaviour. It is better to always get information from the horse’s mouth. Trust is all both partners need and you need to act like one who should and can always be trusted.

Spying can never be a solution, but there are three things that can never disappoint you - Talking about it, talking about it and talking about it.

mssegawa@ke.nationmedia.com