Dealing with your spouse’s ‘bad’ friends

What you need to know:

  • Not all friends are a good influence to our spouses.
  • And often when a spouse complains about the friends they think are leading their partner to doom, there is friction.
  • But you can drive your point home and help your spouse avoid bad peers without strife.

In November last year, Kawempe Police Station arrested Mayanja Nkangi, a resident of Kazo Zone in Kawempe Division, for hacking his wife to near death.

The couple’s neighbour’s said Mayanja’s anger was sparked off by his wife who nagged him constantly about associating with a friend she thought was leading him into alcoholism and drug abuse.

Esther Nabalwanyi, one of the couple’s neighbours, said Mayanja’s wife had been telling him to stop spending much time with the friend in question saying he was making him spend all his income on alcohol and drugs.

She said the couple had been living together for three years and their marriage was blossoming when suddenly the man’s behaviour changed after he befriended their new neighbour.
Many couples have gone through circumstances such as Nkangi’s where their spouses are uncomfortable with their friends and think they are influencing their behaviour. But how does one help a spouse associated with friends they are not happy about.

Spouse responsibility
Bena Nalwanga, a relationships counsellor, says it is an obligation for a man or woman to guide their partner where they go wrong. She, however, says the advice should be well thought about to avoid appearing like they are infringing on their spouse’s right to socialisation.

Nalwanga argues that when you decide to get married, your life undergoes change. But warns that if one is not willing to place their partner or family above other things, it can cost their marriage dearly regardless of how delightfully it began.

The relationship therapist reasons that friends should remain a vital part of a couple’s life since their advice and support can guide them through the good and bad times.
She, however, warns that friends can destroy a relationship. “Sometimes it is hard for people to let go of their married friends. But the big challenge is when friendship interferes with marriage, and a choice must be made,” Nalwanga says.

The counsellor argues that in most cases, friends expect married people to keep hanging out and doing things together as they previously did: “Some people feel let down when their friend declines an outing and may begin to resent them for getting married in the first place. Other times, the resentment is directed toward the spouse, who has taken the friend away.”

Nalwanga observes that in situations such as those, the married person should be able to explain the new facts of life to their friends, otherwise there will always be tension because they will feel forced to choose between their spouse and friends.

Set boundaries
“When it comes down to a choice between friends and spouse, make friends understand the boundaries,” Nalwanga says.
Like Conrad Muzoora, a community liaison officer, says most couples fail to set clear boundaries between their marriages and friends.

Muzoora says some friends are fond of dropping in on married couples occasionally demanding immediate attention or lingering in their homes with no obvious purpose for visiting.

The community policing officer observes that when couples do not get enough time for themselves, it could be easy for outside influences to gradually pull them apart.
“A request here and there could take up the couple’s time caring for the needs of their friends as opposed to tending to their own,” Muzoora warns.

Muzoora adds that even when a need for friends arises, or various friends to visit, they should consider leaving at the right time so that the couples can get time for themselves.

Need for respect
Emergencies where one needs a shoulder to cry on should not be an excuse for friends to influence one’s decisions as Peter Waswa, a preacher, explains. He notes that when friends do not respect your marriage, it creates strife.
“Good friends always respect their friends’ spouses. If a friend cannot show respect simply make them stay away from your marriage,” Waswa says.

Nalwanga also warns that couples need to avoid constant exposure to gossip which some friends often spread. Giving room to rumours could be a source of disrespect in couples since some people tend to believe every word they hear.

“Friends are good but one should avoid those who influence their behaviour and those who spread stories about your partner. You might start blaming each other for gossip yet it was an observation made by a friend that opened the can of worms,” Nalwanga says.

She, however, says spouses who thrive on gossip do not know the difference between a friend and stranger.
Because of that, Nalwanga says couples should be aware and steer clear of anyone who is constantly putting someone else down for whatever reason because gossip eventually destroys people’s lives and marriages.

Compromise
For Waswa, compromise is a big deal in marriage. He believes that once you get married, often you compromise in certain areas such as drinking too often. “Sit down as a couple and make promises of honouring your marriage and respect for one another. The promise you make will help you avoid temptation and influences by your friends,” he says.

But Nalwanga says the best solution to devastating friends is letting your spouse know how you feel about them.
Do not look like you are commanding them but let your partner know that what you are saying is for the good of your relationship.

Muzoora adds that in case talking does not yield any change in your partner, couples should seek the help of a third party such as a counsellor, religious leader or an elderly trusted person.