Thursday January 14 2016

Five Signs Your Love Is Not Mutual


By Jaq Deweyi

Twenty-nine year-old Edwardson Mulindwa has been in a relationship with Sheila for two years. His friends, however, think she is playing him. He has also got his doubts because she doesn’t call unless she wants money, she doesn’t text and when they meet and she only talks about her ex. The other problem is she is an Adventist while he is a Catholic. All these issues in his relationship scare him and he is not sure if she needs more time or the feeling is not mutual. If you are in a similar position where you are not sure it’s mutual, consider these five signs to ensure that you’re not forcing love or a relationship that either doesn’t exist or simply isn’t meant to be.

1.You both never speak about the future. I have learned one important rule of thumb when it comes to relationships. Assume nothing! If someone hasn’t told you, or most importantly shown you, that they love you, don’t assume they do. If someone doesn’t speak of a future with you, don’t assume that the two of you will get married, have kids, and live happily ever after, especially if you are the more interested party. There should be a balance of communication initiation by both parties if there is true attraction and mutual interest.

2. It’s never about you. Unless you’re dating a child and not a grownup, at times your relationship will call for serious conversations. In such moments, you should both be ready to discuss the matters at hand. Imagine you got a promotion and your partner wants to talk about the Kardashians or football? When you’re excited about work or life goals and someone switches the subject to involve their interests, it’s a sure sign of selfishness. If that’s your case Mulindwa, jump ship now to save yourself the trouble of being involved with someone who isn’t caring.

3. You have different values. Opposites attract, but not when it comes to values and world views. In fact by nature, we women usually want to ‘talk’ more than men. But if you can’t agree on issues like your religious values in case you have different religions or ways of managing money and expenses, and somehow your differences can’t be reconciled, you may want to evaluate the relationship. Insisting on these dissimilarities can only further complicate your relationship.

4. You are not respected. It’s bad enough to hear about one ex-file, but an entire encyclopedia worth of info? No thanks. The fact that Sheila has the guts to go on about her ex on dates with you, means she doesn’t respect you and has not grieved him. She might actually just be using you to escape her pain because if someone loves you genuinely, they make you see the value in yourself. But if someone is using you, they will downplay how great you are. Think about the times you have bargained for something in the market, you try to make it seem worth less than it actually is, right? The grocer has to counter by proving its value. Now business is no different from relationships. If your partner makes you feel lonely, insecure or stupid, they are trying to get away with more for less.

5. The relationship is hot and cold. Work can be demanding, family matters need attention, and errands must be run. But if Sheila is constantly missing in action, it’s time to break it off. Mulindwa is obviously the one always making plans to catch up and she simply accepts, and at times declines which is wrong. When a woman is interested in a man, she makes time for him. If there is some other person, event or commitment taking up more of her time, it is a clear sign that you are not high on her priority list. And while it’s normal to force something when we badly want it, forcing someone to love you is a recipe for disaster. If you are always on the giving end of love and never receiving it, it may not exist.