Get a second chance from your partner

Evelyn and Daniel Kalyango were an ideal couple about 10 years ago. He worked for a prestigious airline company and she had a thriving furniture shop. They could not hide their love. In conversations, he always referred to her, asking, “Mummy, what should be done?”
“We were genuinely in love, even after ten years of marriage,” Evelyn Kalyango reminisces, continuing, “We have five children. Before the birth of our last born, my husband permitted me to live in London for the duration of the pregnancy. We had a home there.”

It was during her stay in London in 2010 that Kalyango’s husband decided to stand for elective office. “He began campaigning to become a Member of Parliament,” she says.
“Politics is expensive and he stood no chance in the party primaries, but he was blind to that fact. He quickly formed a campaign team and convinced me to dig into our savings,” she adds.
Soon, her husband was spending nights out, on the trail, with his team. When he had exhausted their savings, without his wife’s knowledge, he sold their marital home. “It was a shock. One day, I owned a home, and the next, it was gone. I felt betrayed. Did he have to do this to our children?”
There was worse to come, though. Kalyango’s husband lost the election. While his family began living in a one-room bedsitter (muzigo), he rented an apartment in an affluent neighbourhood and began living there with a girl from his campaign team.

Noticing little changes
People’s behaviour does not change suddenly. To the keen observer, changes in behaviour occur gradually. Crescent Mwebaze, an emergency response coordinator with Transcultural Psychosocial Organisation (TPO Uganda), says it all goes back to the level of communication between the couple.
“If the communication is not good and the couple does not discuss both relationship and developmental issues, then it is difficult for one to observe the changes in the behaviour of their partner. For instance, when men have debts or take loans, they usually maintain a quiet demeanor at home.”
When any individual is going through a stressful time in their life, many things change about them, including their level of appetite and libido. An observant person can easily notice these changes and gently confront their partner.

How to forgive
In February 2017, Kalyango and her husband were reconciled by their families. “I had to make a conscious decision to forgive him, though what he had done had brought shame to the family. Our mutual friends had abandoned me. No one respects a woman whose husband has left her to pursue a younger girl. But, after six years, the pain had dulled.”
Of course, Kalyango was struggling to fend for her children, who still needed their father. “I still get flashbacks of that hurtful time, but I am focusing on our future together. I cannot say with confidence that I love him as much as I did before but the fact that we are living together is a starting point.”

Accept the situation
Mwebaze advises the wounded party to accept that they have been betrayed. “Accepting betrayal is the first step in moving on with the relationship. The ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ must come later.”
First, one needs to understand that human beings are not perfect, and then, make a conscious effort to forgive. The cycle of forgiveness may involve periods of bitterness, hatred, and indifference. Give yourself time to deal with those feelings as Mwebaze notes.

“The couple should also involve a third party, such as close friends and relatives they really trust,” he advises.
If you do not have close friends, it is better to seek the help of a professional marriage counsellor who will be a neutral party in the deliberations.
Although you might still question your partner’s behaviour, restrain yourself from reminding them of their mistakes whenever you have misunderstandings.

Overcoming fear of betrayal
Andrew and Lyn Odero were instrumental in their church because they always offered free marriage counselling to other couples. “We always told them that the strength of a marriage should not be determined by finances,” Odero says, adding, “Unfortunately, our marriage fell apart on that particular hurdle.”
When her husband lost his job, they were kicked out of the house. “He abandoned the children and I at a friend’s home with no money. Within a few months, he had a job and began living well, not thinking about us.”

After two years, the Oderos began living together again but she lives in constant fear that he might leave them again. “I feel like I lost the confidence I once had. I am scared that if we have another financial upheaval my husband will leave.”
But Crescent Mwebaze, an emergency response coordinator with TPO Uganda, advises that the only way to overcome fear is to encourage openness in the relationship. “The couple should be open about their fears and the property they acquire because nowadays property divides up families. In fact, it is better if the family property is acquired in two names. Trust is an important aspect of any relationship.”

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