Thursday May 31 2018

Getting past the wave of infidelity in marriage

Getting past the wave of infidelity in marriage

A counsellor can equip you with tools that will help you connect, hear, and understand each other much better on a daily basis. And if you want to make your marriage work after a partner being unfaithful, you will have a neutral person to talk to. NET PHOTO 

It is natural to want to know why your partner cheated, but there is always no simple answer. It could be a symptom of other problems in your marriage, it could relate to something in your partner’s past, or it could be totally unrelated to you or to your marriage. You may never truly know why it happened.

Three years ago, Susan Namukasa found out that her husband, the father of her two children was having an affair with his workmate. “It was a shock, I almost ran mad,” she reveals, adding, “I remember crying for almost a week because I had been a good wife and he was the only man in my life.”
Although many sail through this situation, Susan could not trust her husband anymore and decided to end their seven-year marriage.

According to verywellmind, an online portal, if you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live and if you have enough money to pay for your essentials. “If you are unsure this is the right decision, seek counseling as well to guide you,” the site states.

Don’t rush into decisions
It can be a shock to discover that your partner is unfaithful. It is very hard to trust this person again because your heart is terrified and scared of loving again. In such a situation, Paul Nyende, a counselling psychologist, says be calm and composed.
“Confront your partner with the facts and avoid escalating the situation if you still want to be in the relationship,” he cautions.

In asserting yourself, the coach advises avoiding aggressive behaviour. He says you should instead communicate your feelings and particularly talk about how his or her behaviour affects you and the children if any. In most case the affected party may say a lot due to anger but Nyende urges that no matter the pain, avoid accusatory statements that may cause your partner to go on the defensive or distance themselves from the relationship.

It’s never one-sided
However, before finding out why your partner cheated, Christopher Senyimba, a psychological therapist, points out the importance of knowing what your contribution towards the person’s actions might have been.
“The truth is, there is no smoke without fire. Often times, there is a reason things happen. So, find out what caused your partner to stray so that a solution is found,” he clarifies.

For example, a woman might have lost that perfect body that the husband fell in love with after giving birth. In this case, Senyimba says it is imperative to look into the man’s concerns and together come up with a solution. You may, for example, agree to workout together so that you regain your fitness.

In same way, Nyende confirms that often both partners are to blame. This means that there is need for the affected party to reflect on their contribution, what they could have done that made the other party seek gratification elsewhere.
“Sometimes it could be as simple as taking your relationship for granted,” he says.
Senyimba says: “Appreciate the good attributes about your partner and whenever there are mistakes, know that humans are prone to making mistakes and therefore, the need for forgiveness.

Professional assistance
Although it is good to settle issues between the two of you, sometimes one partner may shy away from making things better. In this case, Senyimba advises seeking professional help. “But before you start crying to anyone else, establish if you really love each other and there is a reason to fight for that love,” he adds.

Nyende also emphasises the need to seek help from a counsellor who will be neutral. “However, maintain positive thinking and continue to be responsive. In the process of making things better, pay attention to the communication pattern and avoid verbal attacks, Nyende cautions.

other ways
• Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your partner’s unfaithfulness.
• It is still okay to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful partners.

What would you do if your partner was unfaithful?

“His response will give me an idea of how to proceed. If he apologises, I listen to him because humans make mistakes.”
Betty Namakula, dating

“I would not just end the relationship because both partners usually are to blame. I sit down with my partner and we discuss what made her stray so that we can fix it together.” Michael Christian, dating

“I would take it easy and let her go in peace not pieces because if you happen to ask or think too much, you will end up getting hurt and doing the worst.” Lenoh Nsibambi, single