Nakabuye is an employee at one of the television stations in Kampala. Four years ago when she got married, the 28-year-old, says she used to party with her husband, at least most of the time. However, in July last year, he told her he does not want to hang out with her again; unless it is under unusual circumstances.
Nakabuye has since been wondering where she went wrong to cause her husband to make such a cruel decision. “I have since tried asking him to tell me where I went wrong in vain. I tasked myself to recall what happened at all the events we had been to together but I cannot point at anything that could have called for such a reaction,” she says.
In fact, recently, Nakabuye says her husband proved his statement when he went alone for his brother’s wedding party. And that has been the trend. when she insisted on knowing what had gone wrong, her husband threatened to abandon her and their three-year-old child.
No other conflict
Strange though is that he always returns home and they behave like a couple that has no grudge. “When he is home, we laugh and crack jokes and play with our child. He even eats the meals I prepare for him,” Nakabuye says.
But Nakabuye is not alone. On one of the popular Facebook pages recently, a young man was expressing concern over his fiancée’s refusal to hang out with him. The man, claimed the fiancée said she is not comfortable hanging around some of his friends. But even when it is a family event, she still does not show up or spends only a few minutes and finds an excuse to leave.
Different couples have reasons for not partying together. If from the start of the relationship a couple was not the type that hangs out together, then it becomes difficult for one to convince their partner why it is important. The big issue, however, starts when one of the partners in a relationship where the couple has been going out together stops without giving a clear explanation why.
Abbey Kyeyune, a music producer, says some women are not easy to party with because they become suspicious of every woman who chats with their husbands. Some get angry and their mood changes making people around you uneasy. “One day, my girlfriend almost fought female friends who were pecking and hugging me at a friend’s party. I could not contain the shame, we had to leave before time,” Kyeyune says.
As if to echo Kyeyune, Nakabuye says she suspects her husband might have got a new woman or is being misled by in-laws or friends.
“He still provides everything for me and the child but still refuses to tell me the mistake I committed so that I can change or apologise,” she says.
Take time to talk
Dorothy Kebirungi, a relationship counsellor, says when your spouse’s behaviour changes you should first find out the reasons why. “Words may not mean much unless they are followed by actions. If his actions suggest he does not love you, then you need to talk.”
As with most relationship problems, seeking counseling should come in handy as a way of solving conflict.
In fact, as Molly Kyakuhaire, a peer educator and youth counsellor in Kansanga, says counseling could help you understand where your partner’s behaviour or new attitude stems from. Some people are more comfortable speaking to a third party other than their partner. “Your partner may not actually resent you, but may be angry or bitter about something.”
Kyakuhaire insists one should try to talk to their partner about their “resentment” feelings and see if they are remorseful.
Kyomugasho adds that your spouse might say he cannot stand you, that he despises you or sometimes might say it is over and wants nothing to do with you. But the solution is “to find out why that is developing between you”.
Kyomugasho notes that it is entirely possible that one’s spouse is hiding hateful feelings and directs them at you in subtle ways. But it is more likely that she or he does not hate you.
Couples whose spouses’ behaviour change ought to assess when it started and be fast at finding a solution in case the cause is established. It is advisable to involve a trusted person such as a counsellor, an elder or religious leader in cases where your efforts to talk to your partner do not yield anything.
Hanging out together most time is known to make couples happy but should one worry if their partner never wants to party with them?
why It is important
to party together
Parties let you get off the norm. When you are in a long-term relationship, you eventually settle into a routine of sorts. It is important to let loose once in a while so you can remember that life is not just a series of doctors’ appointments, trips to the supermarket, noisy children and other necessary frustrations.
You are still on the same team. Partying as a couple enhances the feeling that you are in it together. Even if you have a bad time and you end up pinching your partner to say “get me out of here already,” you can laugh about that together on your way home.
Thrill of reliving the moments. There is only so much you can tell your significant other in whispers and texts as an evening unfolds. As soon as you are out of earshot from all the other guests, however, you get to exchange notes about everyone you talked to and the impressions you formed,for instance who made a weird confession, who acted stupid among others.
Couples that play together stay together. Being able to set aside your troubles and have a good time in spite of everything else is an underrated life skill, and it is just as important to personal happiness as it is to relationship fulfillment. Happy people know how to have fun, and so do happy couples.