Thursday February 6 2014

He beats me but I love him so much

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have been living with my boyfriend for the last two years. I love Morris so much but his violent habit is becoming too much. He picks up fights over small things like when I receive a phone call from a male friend, or even my relatives whom he has met. He hates it when I visit or host friends in our house. He is two years older than me and he loves me too much. Truth is beneath the possessiveness and bad temper is a man I see as a potential father and caring husband. He provides, cooks and spoils me on the good days. I could tolerate him but last week’s incidents got me thinking. I returned home at about 9pm and found him bitter. He ignored my explanation for returning late and started slapping me, got the clothes I had just bought and set them ablaze. The worst part was when he got a razor and cut my braids because “he gave me the money to plait my hair”. I love him but I fear it could get worse. Please help.

Your solutions
Dear Goretti, It is evident that your Morris is not only violent but selfish, mean and jealous. It also means he doesn’t respect and trust you at all. He doubts your faithfulness. He should learn to keep confidence and respect privacy. The fact that you are in a relationship should not mean that he can search your bags, check your calls, text messages, and emails without your permission. He thinks he is being protective, but this is meanness. Talk to him about his temper and possessiveness and make him understand it hurts your feelings.

Each one of us has weaknesses, but we need someone who can tolerate us but help us improve. We are no longer in the era where women were beaten as a sign of love. I don’t think you can manage a violent and bitter man. It is bad he can’t listen to you. Make him understand that communication is vital in any relationship. The Bible says: “Answering before listening is stupid and rude,” Proverbs 18:13. This should give you a picture of how he will treat you when he finally marries you. Living with him isn’t marriage yet, you can still find a man who will cherish, love, value, trust and respect you as a woman. If he can’t change, leave him.
Pr. Allan

Dear Goretti, Thank God you have found this out before you fully commit to staying together for life. If his behaviour does not change, and yet you go on living with him, be prepared to live a miserable life until you die. Wake up to your true values. If you don’t have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus, consider making this decision, first to get your much needed spiritual and emotional healing, beginning with forgiving him, and then ask him to do the same. The good things you say about him should tell you that it is not “really him” who turns wild at times, so he cannot help himself. Only God can deliver people from such bondage.

Dear Goretti sorry for that, but I see you both have something in common - too much love. Kindly reserve a percentage for a benefit of doubt because too much love always hurts. He cannot afford to lose you and that is why he behaves that way. I know at the back of his mind he wishes he could tie you up in the house. It’s too much love, so don’t run away. Just pray to God and give it time, the graph will go down, no body should ever tell you there is a human being with all the qualities he has. It’s just one vice, bad temper, which can be tamed with time.

Wow! That’s so sad Goretti but there’s no excuse in this world that a man can give for laying his hands on a woman. The fact that you love him and you say he loves you back means there could be a mutual binding but have you thought of talking to him in person about your dislikes, especially the fact that he beats you up when he is mad? You could try talking to his friends or close family members and if he is willing to realise that and change, then you could tolerate him and move on. But if he won’t stop laying his hands on you, then this relationship is a no no! Good luck!

Dear Goretti, sorry for the circumstances you are going through. I know it is hard, but I would love to share with you some things my sister.
1. Yes I know he loves you, but it seems you do not always communicate before retiring late from work. For instance you went shopping to clothes and may be you did not let him know about it.
2. Make sure you try to avoid what may cause fights. I think two years is quite a long time to learn the dos and donts, likes and dislikes.
3. The Bible says: “Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not behave rudely, love does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1Cor. 13:4-8). Do not break up Goretti, endure, things will change.
4. In all negative circumstances, there are positive things to note. Goretti look at the positive areas in Morris’ life. By doing this you will win his heart.
5. Always inform him before hosting visitors. By doing this, you will show him a sense of belonging.
I wish you the best.
Nick Ojambo

Mukwano Goretti, yes it is going to get worse. You see, we all have bad habits, I am sure there are things about you that he doesn’t like. Of course this is entirely your choice, everyone has a limit in life (things you simply can’t compromise with). Make a list, the good things about him and the bad things, weigh them and if the good outweigh the bad according to you, then you can stay. But if the bad outweigh the good, RUN LIKE HELL. Personally, I can’t take a beating, no no no! It just isn’t a way to treat a lady. I encourage you to seek counselling, he could actually hit you to death! Would you want to raise your children into such a relationship? Try and encourage him to seek help, because he probably has a few issues from his childhood bothering him. He needs to learn how to use his words and not his hands!

Goretti dear, love conquers everything - if you really love your man, then you should remain a good partner and act according to what he wishes. You need to learn what he likes and what he does not like. A jealous man is a loving man and vice versa. You need to know him better and before you know it you will live happily thereafter!

Goretti, your boyfriend is a player and probably the reason he beats you is because he’s jealous. Men usually tend to think that what they do with their “side dishes” is probably what their partner is also doing. No one, especially a woman deserves to be slapped. It’s good to be in love and wish to stay with him but ask yourself; Will he change? Is he willing to understand me? What if he kills me one day? Is he the last man? Those questions should help guide your thoughts and heart. Trust me, you don’t have to stay with someone who makes you cry. When someone is in love, they always think that they will never get another person better than the one they are with, but my dear, there are many men out there dying to treat you like a queen. Also, pray daily.

You need to end that relationship, before he hits you so hard you end up in the ICU or worse, dead. Due to his abusive tendencies, make sure to tell him it is over when you are with a friend or relative who can avert any physical abuse.

Dear Goretti, May be he has a troubled background but finds trouble opening up. Let him know how you feel, be a friend, suggest counselling and if he refuses, threaten to leave to gauge his reaction. If he truly loves you. Naomi

Counsellor’s opinion : Winnie Namusoke, counsellor, Hope in Life Services

Dear Goretti, first of all, are you married or still cohabiting? Are you working or not? What would take you home at 9pm? It is evident that this relationship involves domestic violence. whether you choose to leave or stay, you have a lot of things to consider.

When your relationship was beginning, was he that protective or not? If he wasn’t, check yourself to find out if you are the one in the wrong. Also, when you came back late that day, how did you respond to him? You know living with someone, even when you are not married, is a give and take institution. You cannot always expect to be given when you don’t give back.
If there is a way he wants you to act, sit him down and negotiate, then weigh the options.

Discuss your relationship with him with each and every friend of yours, maybe that is what he wants. Let him understand that you love only him. If you are working, your work should have a limit. Find time for your man and children, if any.
So if you consider the above, you should be able to know whether your relationship with him can work or not.

Next week’s

Dear Heart to Heart, I have dated my boyfriend for two years. We have been happy and everything seemed to run smoothly until recently when I found out that he had another girlfriend. I was disappointed and confronted him about it. He assured me about how he is still a young man who is still making choices, so he had no regrets about having different affairs. I didn’t know what to do because I feel so attached to him. Problem is this other girl is so sweet and too nice, one part of me wants to leave the man for her, the other part wants me to confront her and tell her that he’s a cheating bastard and she deserves better and yet the most confusing part of me wants to stay because I love him. We have been through a lot and I know with time, he might realise what’s good for him. I am totally confused, please help me.
Confused Clara