He has no time for me, the children

The problem
Dear Heart To Heart, I have been married for 13 years and I truly love my husband. However, in the last few years he has made his job and his hobbies his number one priority instead of the children and me. We rarely spend time just the two of us and when we do its doing something he likes. He has no interest in what I like or what our children are doing. I take the children to all their appointments, school functions and the like. I have tried to let him know how I feel in vain. Is it time to give up and move on or do I keep trying? If I keep trying what can I do to help him see that things can’t keep going this way?
Apophia

Your solutions

Akiiza Ivan. Apophia, it’s really a pity that you’re going through that. However, do not give up after 13 years. Try and be innovative and organise family dinners, outings, go shopping together and slowly he’ll open up the reasons why he lost interest. Kindly value your time with your family and avoid breakups.

Opio Michaels. Cool down as long as he takes care of you and the children. Don’t leave the marriage but try to look for other ways to make it better.

Apio Natali. Only sex shouldn’t make you give up with your marriage. Remember if he wanted sex alone and working hard you would still not be there for him.

Tusubira Justin. Keep on trying to save your marriage and pray to God because he has a good plan for you. Don’t go abandon your family.

Peterkins Ojoh. There is something you are not mentioning. Surely if you love your husband, why do you think he behaves that way? Does it mean you are imposing yourself in a wrong relationship? If you have done your best, then maybe it’s time to leave him.

Ronald Nkabirwa Kyamuyinza. If you know you have never wronged him in any way, keep doing the right things at home and to him. He will rethink his behaviour and come back to you.

Kule Kibs Ogs. If you annoyed your husband in anyway, realise your mistake and assure him you have learnt your lesson. Tell him you still love him and need his love too.

Azoora Floyd. I think his change in behaviour is a result of something he should tell you about. Be thankful though, he still considers coming home to provide for you and the children. He will get back in line soon enough.

Betty Nakku. The thrill of love dies at one point or another in a relationship but what remains is friendship, duty and the responsibility to bring up the children.

Okwa Linga. His behaviour is not a problem as long as the finances are secured. Give him some time, he will come around.

Kamende Bamwendyaki. Attend to children and forward your husband’s problem to God through prayers.

Kaweesi Josh Kitaka. Don’t you think is he just busy looking for your children’s bright future? You have got to understand that your husband has much responsibility to fulfill than being around to tickle. You should know that better after being married for 13 years.

Counsellor says: Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, counsellor at Ssuubi Medical Centre

Dear Apophia, it is disturbing to feel ignored by the one you love most. However, seeking help is a step into solving the problem and I commend you for that.
After 13 years, your marriage qualifies to be in the reality stage and in this stage along the way patterns of communication could have changed from healthy to unhealthy. This can hit the marriage on rocks. Men do not deal with emotions as openly as women do. They respond through solving the problem rationally or by simply withdrawing.
During this difficult time avoid revenge of any kind as this deepens the resentment as one psychologist said negative attention is better than none.
One partner is able to change a marriage. Focus on your part, during such times we usually emphasise the other partner’s contribution. You can only change yourself, have a clear conscience, slow down and look at your part and with time you will stop concentrating on the other person and learn healthy ways of communicating concerns.
Generally, relationships become more difficult if you get stuck on the negative part of your partner. Try to magnify the few positive things and this will turn around the marriage. If you do all that and nothing gets better, please seek marriage counselling.

Next week’s issue

Dear Heart To Heart, I am a 24-year-old man. I have been in a relationship with this girl for almost two years now. I lost my virginity to her. I love her but her past keeps haunting me. She is my first sexual partner, I am her 9th. She had two relationships before she was 20. But what bothers me is how fast she was going through men at that early age. She says she changed and that’s all in her past. This is a woman I want to marry, but I fear that our different pasts will bring us many fights. I am not sure I want to leave her though. Is her past reason enough for a breakup?
Joshua

Compiled by Beatrice Nakibuuka