Thursday October 12 2017

He is the piece of meat I can never chew

The writer with Trevor Noah.

The writer with Trevor Noah. 

By Christine Nakalungi

From the time I started watching him on You-tube, I must admit, I crushed on him. I kept dreaming of when I would be able to touch and smell him.
Then I read his biography and oh, my crush grew into respect. He had gone through a lot and yet he was still able to smile at all the misfortunes that had befallen him. His level of maturity brought chills down my stomach. My crush grew deeper and I just had to do something about it.
So recently, I got a chance to visit Manhattan, New York city and I pulled a few strings just to see him perform live. I would be very fine even if he had not noticed me. All I wanted was to just prove that he is real and that I am not just dreaming about an alien.
Yes, I succeeded. I sat quietly in my corner laughing at his jokes as they were taping his show. I realised that almost every girl in the audience was staring in admiration.
I knew I had no chance with him but I had to try, I mean why fly for 20 hours just to give up because the competition is tight? I pushed harder and heavens must have been on my side because I bumped into him as he rushed out to attend another show.
Joe, the go-between man and his workmate pleaded on my behalf for him to have a photo with me but unfortunately, he was not conversant with my camera. He fidgeted to take the photo but failed. My crush had to get into the car and drove off.
My heart sunk. I pleaded but he was gone. Fate stepped in and the traffic lights turned red; he must have felt my pain and he jumped out of the car.
“Joe, come and take the photo,” he begged. I rushed like the gates of heaven were closing and posed with him. He held my waist and put on his ice breaking smile. My blood stopped flowing, I forgot how to smile and all my slay queen poses disappeared.
I stood there frozen, my nose trying to take in his scent and my mouth just opened to give way to my plastic smile. The flash light and the camera click woke me up from my daylight slumber. It was real, I was actually standing there with him.
Joe was kind enough to take two shots just to be sure. He rushed back into the car teasing Joe, “Why do you have to be African?”
We laughed and then my heart beat even faster that I thought it could stop. I was ready to bury my crush for the Daily Show Comedian, Trevor Noah but then how could I if he was so kind that he jumped out of the car just to please this slow African.
Now I will get back to my Ugandan boyfriend and never talk about Trevor again. He is beyond my league. He is the piece of meat I can never chew.