Thursday May 8 2014

He loves me, but I love him not

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I met this man about two years ago. He asked me out and I turned down his advances. However, after insisting, I decided to go out with him, but with the hope that I would completely tell him off. We went to a nice place but he didn’t continue his pursuing. We just talked, shared jokes and had a good time - he was fun. He dropped me home and asked for another date. I like to go out with him but I don’t have feelings for him. He says he feels good and happy around me. Do you think keeping him around might give him false hope? I don’t want to completely lose him. What should I do? Please help!
- Vivienne

Your solutions

Trust me, you are already in love with that person because if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have gone out with him. But you enjoy spending time with him. Stay around because you don’t know who is Mr Wrong or Mr Right. You will have his feelings soon.

You know love grows from nothing to something, so just keep him around. As time goes by you will start to like or hate him, depending on what he tells you about his future plans. He also shouldn’t change his attitude towards you in case you turn down his advances.

Next time he comes to you, ask him if it is fine to go out with your boy friend and him.

The fact that he makes you happy is a good thing. We learn to love, so just keep going out with him, because that’s an opportunity to learn him and his ways better. When the moment for love knocks, your heart, then you can take it on to the next level. I think it’s the best thing to do.

Why waste that chance? When you get a man who is really trustworthy, loving and kind, then get married because getting a man of that kind is not easy. You will regret if you turn him down.

You are a detoother! You would rather leave him since, after all, you don’t have feelings for him.

I still don’t understand it when women talk of ‘feelings’. All I know is that love is developed and is not based on some ‘feelings’.

Sometimes we do surround the wall of our hearts so thickly, not in the fear of being hurt, but to see who will penetrate the wall. Time is like a river, you can’t touch the same water that passes twice, because once it flows, it won’t pass again. Exploit the chance you get.

If you accepted to go out with him, and now you don’t want to lose him simply because you like his jokes, he is fun, then automatically you are about to fall in love with him.

Just give it some time, may be slowly you will fall in love with him. If it doesn’t work out, you can call it quits. Don’t stick around because he is nice, just follow your heart.

Dear Vivienne, the ball is in your hands now. If you don’t have feelings for him as you say, then let him be. Make up your mind once and for all. You contradict yourself – one part of you wants him dropped and another wants to hold on. You have to be one and not both. Alternatively, weigh both sides and the side with more points gets a win.
Pr. Allan

You your self are confused. Keep meeting him and see whether you develop feelings for him. If that fails, then just be friends.

Ha! You are only around him because he takes you out to nice places. Detoother! You should be arrested and charged with obtaining money by false pretence.

For the fact that you are afraid to lose him completely, don’t you think love is somewhere around the corner? Why waste time? Just wait a little longer and keep going out with him. When the feelings finally come, no one will tell you and you won’t even need our advice again.

Be open to him but I ask you to continue with that man because trustworthy men are not common these days.

Don’t go for looks because sometimes they tend to lie. Don’t go for wealth even if it fades. Go for what makes you smile because it only takes a smile to make a dark day bright. Love is when you take away the passion, the feeling and the romance in a relationship and find out if you care for that person.

When you start appreciating him and being, you will also develop feelings for him. Sometimes feelings don’t come automatically. Sometimes those you turn away are the answer to your happiness. You must be in between two men, that’s why you are confused, but follow your heart and do what will contribute to your happiness.

Be in charge of your thoughts. What is it you really feel? Ask him his intentions. Don’t be caught up in emotions. Your failure to tell him off the day you went out signals otherwise. Could this mean that you are falling for him but living in denial?

Selfishness! Tell him the truth. One of two things will happen; he’ll either let go or pursue and win over your selfish heart.

Sometimes you may not have feelings for someone because you spend little time together. Therefore I urge you to continue going out with him.

It’s time that reveals facts. My current girlfriend turned me down several times but my trust and natural love for her kept my advances going. Test for his seriousness by hurting his feelings. If he doesn’t give up on you, believe me, he is the right man.

counsellor’s take: Jonathan Okiru, Family Life Network Counselling Services

Dear Vivienne, thank you for writing and opening up. That is the first step to dealing with the situation that you are in.

Allowing to go out with any man “increases the man’s chances” of hope in the relationship. In communication there are two types; verbal and non verbal. Going out might be a sign that you like his company. He needs to know how you feel towards him. Keeping him around will give him false feelings, as you say, of hope and yet that is not where you see yourself. So endeavor to communicate to him so that both your time is not wasted.

You say you do not want to completely lose him, so as you communicate not having feelings for him, let him know that you are only interested in the friendship part and ask him to respect that. Wait for his response and respect it too. Losing him or not is not one person’s decision. Play your part well and leave the other to him.

Lastly, it is always important to maintain your position at the first encounter. Your position and your stand is always important so as to avoid getting into harder situations in the future.

Next week's problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am a Second Year student at the International University of East Africa. I have a girlfriend who I have dated for seven good years. Her parents are divorced, and only her mother knew about our relationship. Recently, however, her father married my sister, unknowingly of course. Now I am confused, should I leave my girlfriend or can we continue with our relationship? Please advise me.
- Hamid