How bad should a relationship get before you quit?

Julius Galisonga's view

What is your take on the Nsenga judgement?
As a lawyer, when a decision is made in court, I am bound by it. If I am dissatisfied, I have the option to appeal. So for now, whatever happened that night, the only thing that holds is what the judge found.
It may be unfair or unfortunate but that is what binds us.

Given the circumstances and testimonies that were made in court, how would you judge the whole case?
The whole scenario goes down to our African culture and the position of family in it. When people enter into the institution of marriage, the feeling is they cannot get out. The institution of marriage is made in heaven so when people enter in a marriage, they should respect it.

What do you mean they cannot “get out”?
All I am saying is that there are so many people who are living in very unhappy relationships for the fear of stigma from family and friends. They fear that society will castigate them and judge them as failures, which is a good thing.
However, there is a caveat. We are human beings who have feelings and expectations, which, if they are not met, we get disappointed. This results in actions like what Mrs Nsenga was convicted of having done.

Do you believe there is always something that triggers off such incidences, especially if it leads to the worst, being murder?
When you look at what happened to the Nsengas, you have to appreciate marriage within an African setting. You have heard women petition court on bride price, that when a family pays bride price, the woman is looked at as a commodity and has no options because she was bought.
But when you look at that situation, you come back and ask; how does our society look at a failed marriage and people who have left the institution?
Because of the fear of social backlash, the result is that when a person feels unhappy in the marriage, she is kept there, even if she does not want it. When you go to such levels of frustration, the resultant effect is when you get an opportunity for it to burst, what happens is similar to this case.

There are people, who, despite all this, choose to “stick to their vows” in the hope that things will change. Aren’t they justified?
As human beings, we must be able to determine our destiny. If I am in a relationship where I am not happy, I should make that decision, whether to stay or not.
Within the Ugandan society, it is not easy to just issue a threat on someone’s life and you get away with it. You remember MP Godi’s case? In spite of all that, I believe that if society would look at the institution of marriage and accept that it is like any other business venture; you try something and it fails, then society would not judge you.

Society has been a judge on relationships for eons. Should the public turn a deaf ear in such situations?
These days, if a woman has children with a man, then they divorce and she gets into another relationship, then everyone’s tongues keep wagging. You find a woman who has had children with more than one man looking at herself as a failure, because society frowns upon her, hence causing low self-esteem.
If you don’t find an emancipated woman with free will to walk out of a bad relationship, you find her holding on, which is quite unfair. Men have children with different women so why should it be held against the women? (Frowns).

So what would be the best thing to do here?
If society has accepted that people can meet and love each other, why can’t they accept that they can also fall out of the relationship?
I am looking forward to that time when society is more open and looks at things in a more pragmatic way. I am looking forward to that time where society will respect women and the decisions they make.

How much suffering should someone stand before deciding to walk away?
First and foremost, it is something really bad for a man or woman to beat a spouse. If it happens, it is unfortunate. Sometimes it happens because of love or something but you can see, when it happens, the outcome is terrible.
Sometimes it is not only physical, but psychological torture. Honestly, it is not rocket science to see where I am headed. If you live with a woman who sleeps around, once… then twice, thrice, why would you keep hanging in there? If you have a man who does the same, either you stick in there or let it go.

Are you saying there is no yardstick to determine this?
For as long as people are going to hold onto what clearly is an unhappy relationship, then a quick decision needs to be made. Sometimes things work themselves out, but sometimes you have to stay apart through separation.
Sometimes when we are together, we get frustrated or do not appreciate each other; you can file for separation and get time to reflect. You don’t have to keep in there. If you feel that it is not moving well, step aside. If it were me, I would step aside. Even artists step back to appreciate their work before resuming.

Final word?
Society is so harsh on women and people who fail in marriages and fails to appreciate that sometimes, it is beyond your control. Stop being judgemental, period! That is where problems arise.

Uwera spent years trying to salvage her marriage

The year was 1994. She was an innocent adolescent at the peak of puberty, trying to discover the world. Learning and unlearning through the tough teacher that is adventure, anything and anybody could have swept her off her feet. And in came this handsome, gigantic man, rich and a fellow Rwandan. Her family rejected him on the account of age; she was only 17 when they married.

Last week, Jacqueline Uwera Nsenga was sentenced to 20 years in prison for murdering her husband when she run over him with a car as he opened the gate for her.
Away from the judge’s ruling, Uwera’s fate was a culmination of a marriage that hit the rocks as soon as it started. But she clung on, for almost 10 years, hoping every passing day that ‘things’ would improve. During the trial, she painted an enviable picture of a happy marriage, “we used to go out together. Everything was okay but after three years, Nsenga started to change.” “He went out alone, and he always found an excuse when I wanted to go out with him.” We do not have the deceased’s side of the story, but family members who testified in court said, “the marriage was dead.”
When push came to shove, Uwera confessed that she spoke to her father and brothers in law. The wife of Nsenga’s eldest brother advised her to give her life to Jesus Christ. She would go for fellowship at their home. That was as far as she would go in trying to make the marriage work.

2001, 2002, 2003…down to 2014 nothing was changing. Before she knew it, they were sleeping in different bedrooms, bypassing each other and never saying a word. They were strangers in their marital house. Their eldest daughter, family sources intimated to this reporter in the course of the trial, advised them to separate. Several in-laws too weighed in, admitting the marriage had failed and the only solution was a divorce.
Other sources, however, said Uwera’s insistence on hanging on had more to do with the businessman’s property than trying hard to make the marriage work. It is said he had offered her a fraction of his wealth so they could divorce, but “she called it peanuts, preferring to stay under the same roof.”
In court, Uwera said theirs were “mere challenges” any marriage goes through.
By Ivan Okuda

Aisha Alibhai's view

What is your take on the Nsenga judgement?
To be honest, 20 years for her hurts because as a mother, I would feel bad for her children. It is bad enough that one of the parents is dead, now the person filling that gap is going to prison. By the time you get back, someone else would have stepped in to raise them. And you don’t know how they will respond towards you. First of all, they could probably poison their minds that their mum is a killer.
For me, I think 20 years is torture. I can’t imagine any mother being away from her children for all that time. (Shakes head).

Given the circumstances and testimonies that were made in court, how would you judge the whole case?
Let me tell you, out of curiosity as a lay person, I tried to replay the incident and maybe hoped that it was an accident like Mrs Nsenga claimed. I was at my gate, hooted and someone opened the gate.
Honestly, you cannot tell me, however dark the place is, that you would not have seen the person who opened the gate. Most of those houses have floodlights so it was quite questionable that it was not intentional.

Do you believe there is always something that triggers off such incidences, especially if it leads to the worst, murder?
To an extent, yes! Again, it depends on you, the person on how much you can take in, because we are not the same. I may be stronger, you may be weaker, so I think the level of pressure that one can take differs from one individual to another.
Maybe in this case, having been married for quite some time, it got bad. In marriages or relationships, it is only the two of you and maybe those living in the same house who are aware of what happens. It is very easy for people to judge from outside because they do not know what is happening.

There are people who, despite all this, choose to “stick to their vows” in the hope that things will change. Aren’t they justified?
(Pauses)…Women, especially, we are very good at taking in a lot. If a man is angry he will tell you and if he is the type who puts it into action, he will beat the hell out of you.
But for women, we tend to keep quiet and try to ignore for the sake of harmony and especially the children. But in the end who becomes a victim? The woman! You are hurting inside and not sharing with anyone else.
In a very big way, that could have contributed to whatever happened.

Then what would be the best thing to do here?
You know there is this tendency for most people to see the red lights in a relationship in the beginning but reassure themselves that it will be better. But in the end, one of you gets to hurt each other.
I think they should have involved the family, or a religious leader or maybe a trusted friend but I don’t know if they ever tried those options because it helps a lot. It is not easy to just pack up and go.

How much should someone stand before deciding to walk away?
(Stern face) Even if you asked psychiatrists and medical practitioners, they will tell you if a human being is pushed on the wall to a point where they cannot control themselves or even become insane, they can even commit crime and not realise it, which is unfortunate. It should never get to that point.

Should there be a yardstick to determine this?
For me, if I am in a situation where a man is cheating on me in a matrimonial home or sleeps with the closest female person around and even in spite of seeking help but there is no change, I would leave.
In this world today where HIV and other diseases are rampant or women pour acid on you because you are sharing a man, why put yourself in danger?
If the environment is an unhappy one, no one will be happy so why hold on to a point where you get enraged and end up sorting the other out?

Final word?
I believe money has a role to play in some of these issues. In this day and age, financial independence is very important.
For me to actually feel independent that I can walk away and start all over again, I always ensure that I am not dependent on anyone financially. When you depend on people, they tend to take you for granted because they know you need them.
To the married women out there, get a life. Get out there and do something on your own. If anything happens, say the man dies, God forbid, you should be able to sustain the family. Now if you also sit back and wait for the man to provide everything, it is dangerous. In this life where everyone is hustling, I think women have to take this seriously.
It could have been easy for her (Uwera) to walk away from the marriage if she had her money to set up something, say a business. Women need to be financially free if a man is going to respect you. You can only get that pride if you know you can stand on your own.

Uwera on her woes

Uwera Nsenga disputed prosecution evidence that they slept in different bedrooms with her husband, arguing that this only happened when her husband returned home drunk. The judge rejected this defence, arguing she was covering up and ruling that she should have sought legal means to end the marriage instead of violence.