Heart to Heart
How can I get my old girlfriend back?
Posted Thursday, December 19 2013 at 02:00
Dear heart to heart, at the beginning of this year, I separated from my 24-year-old girlfriend after three years together. Our problems started last year and due to loss of trust and constant quarrels, we called it off. But the truth is, I still love Rachael. I tried to seek help from friends to get us back together but Rachael was never open to them about our issues.
She works upcountry and I am in Kampala. Four weeks ago I was bold enough to call and tell her I miss her and suggested we get back together. She sounded open to it. However, about two weeks ago I was the only one communicating. I had promised to find her a better job and my worry is that she is probably sticking around because of this. What if I get her that dream job and she turns her back on me? What can I do to get her back? I really want her back.
- Confused Jerry
Sweet Confused Jerry, a relationship is about two people needing each other. Rachael might have loved you in the past, but the break in communication is a sign that she intends to use you to scoop that job. There are so many lovely young ladies who can love you and letting go of Racheal will be your first step to finding one. I know it is hard to accept that a long relationship ended but the quicker you get to terms with it, the better. Remember, relationships are like glass, sometimes it is better to leave the broken pieces than try to hurt yourself putting it back together”.
Jerry, It takes two to build trust, but I see you do not trust Rachael even as you ask for a come back, meaning you are leaving room for more problems. Rachael seems comfortable where she is and it looks like it is only you who is not okay with her being upcountry. If you want her near and think the only way is to get her the job, then do that. Bottom line is a relationship, where there is lack of trust cannot be sustained! And by the way, the lack of trust could be based on suspicion that she is seeing other men. Also, you did not indicate whether the two of you discussed this before seeking help from friends. This too could have turned her off.
Poor Jerry, it’s sad to learn that you have been totally blinded by love. Have you not heard stories of failed long distance relationships? Why wouldn’t you want to let sleeping dogs lie anyway? If you broke up with someone, you need to learn to let it go. Go out there and try your chance at finding another girl, there are so many out there waiting to be hunted. Move on already!
Dear concerned Jerry, It seems to me as though this relationship is as good as over. One of the reasons for the break up was loss of trust. Although you did not mention who broke the other’s trust, it is quite hard trying to regain one’s trust. You seem not to trust her still, seeing you are skeptical about getting her a job. Also, the fact that your so-called girlfriend is not communicating could be a sign that she is no longer interested in the relationship. I think it is time you moved on too. She could also be seeing someone else, given that she works upcountry.
Jerry, sorry about that. As a matter of fact, it is evident that your love for Rachael is far more than her love for you and the mere fact that you have showed her you cannot do without her is reason enough for her to play games on your mind. She just wants to benefit from you and later on tear your heart to pieces. A girl who loves you will always show that even if you fight, which is quite inevitable in every relationship, she will find a way to make things work. Rachael might be having someone whom she loves madly and is using the opportunity of your weakness to drift away from you. This is not pleasant but you better find someone who is on the same page as you. Rachael is not on your page but you want to try and get her on board. Be ready for a heartache.
Jerry, you are not telling us what caused loss of trust and constant quarrels. Who is to blame for this unfortunate break up? However, you seem to be in love with Rachael who seems undecided on whether to come back to you or not. I advise that you keep talking to her and find out from her close friends what she is up to. If she wants to stick around because you promised her a job, just move on.
Dear Confused Jerry, If you are the only one communicating, chances are she doesn’t really harbour the same feelings as you. But if you love her, like you say, do not give up. Keep calling, initiate meetings but most importantly do not sound desperate. Just let her see the man she fell in love with three years ago. The strong confident and loving type and not some desperate wimp. Women hate desperate men. Then, get her that dream job and see what comes out of it. If she leaves, it’s not the end of the world. If she stays around, count yourself a lucky man.
Hi confused Jerry, it is unfortunate that you are going through this. The most important thing in any relationship is communication, where trust is built. Once trust has been broken, it takes work to rebuild it. You say you want to get back, together because you love her, but sometimes we confuse love for lust! I assume when you dated, you were friends, so if you can get her a better job, well and good. You shouldn’t do it because you want her back. All the best!
counsellor’s opinion : Winnie Namusoke, counsellor, Hope in Life Services
Dear Jerry, the doubt and loss of trust might have been triggered by the fact that you live miles apart. It could also have been sparked off by you calling Rachael and she delayed to pick up her phone or she visited you and you were not around. Being out of touch in a relationship is dangerous but you both need to understand and accommodate each other’s circumstances. You do not mention on whose side the loss of trust was. Was it your side or Rachael’s? From your letter, I can tell you do not believe in yourself because you think Rachael will leave you.
Flash back into how your relationship started and when the fights started. Maybe there are issues of losing trust without establishing what went wrong. Find out whether Rachael is still interested in the relationship or not. You say she is open-minded but you need to have a thorough discussion with her about your new relationship so that you know exactly how she feels. If you have the ability to get her the job in Kampala, do it out of love with no strings attached. Besides, with her near, your relationship will have a chance to flourish.
Getting her back fully is a process and not a one-day achievement. You do not wake up one day and say “I want you back” and she is there with you. She is an adult so do not expect her to just jump back to you. To get her back, you need to nurture the relationship by communicating constantly with her, being transparent, being there for her, providing enough time for her and listening to her complaints.