Heart to Heart

Is playing hard to get outdated?

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By Olive Eyotaru

Posted  Thursday, August 28  2014 at  01:00

In Summary

catch me if you can. Most men will probably relate to a situation where they have pursued a girl and she just kept ignoring them or rejecting their advances. Sometimes, she probably feels something for you too, while sometimes the feelings may crop up during the chase. Girls enjoy the chase and will keep dodging your advances until she cannot anymore. This game is called playing hard to get. Most men you will ask today, will say it is quite old school, and times have changed - you either want in or you want out. But should a woman just jump in your arms after you deliver a candy bar? Olive Eyotaru spoke to Seanice Kacungira and Jenkins Kisekwa.

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‘When the feeling is mutual, there should be no barricades placed all over the place like she is a barracks of sorts.’

What is your notion on playing hard to get
Ummm…It applies mainly to women who wouldn’t want to appear cheap to their suitors. They do that with a notion that when a woman plays hard to get, even when she desires the man, the man ends up cherishing her for a long time.
But to differ a bit, playing hard to get would not apply in Western countries because we all know the women there are more assertive and know what they want. In Africa, we still have some conservativeness about it and encourage women, in particular, to play hard to get.

Have you played hard to get before?
Oh yes in high school (laughs). There was this girl who had something for me. Of course, I knew this so I tried to distance myself from her because she had so many male friends. I thought that by not falling for her, I would have some superiority over her male buddies and collect “points”. However, when I delayed to respond to her advances, she moved on. She thought I was a loser (chuckles).

In the dating game, the man is usually the one who does the chasing. Do you think this applies vice versa?
I think the semantics have revolved over the years, so we see more women chase after men because they probably want something. Look at what happens on social media where a girl sends you a friend request, then asks you out or hounds you for a date. Times have surely changed!

Men are said to believe that women who play hard to get in essence lower their chances of being dated/hooked the longer they take to say yes. Do you believe so?
Let me tell you something… in this day and age, technology has changed everything in the dating game. I mean, if you play hard to get, I will just go on Facebook or Twitter or any social media site and get someone I like. It is not complicated anymore.

Some women think that giving in easily will make them be deemed “loose”. Do you buy that?
A man will not even think much about that. If I want to date you and you are trying to “delay” the process, there are other options. These platforms have given chance to people to interact more and take it to another level. If you are playing hard to get, I deem you to be difficult.

Should there be a period for a woman/man to play hard to get before actual dating begins?
I think it depends on the age bracket of that person. If you are 25 years and below and you play hard to get, you are usually in big trouble. Usually, people who are 25 and above, are more mature and know how to handle the dating game.

Do you think standards come into play here?
It all depends. If you are a club goer, your standards could be different from a church person. Honestly, there are those who will wait forever in the hope that the girl will be worth it. But on my side…hmmm...if I was a church person, I probably would but at this point in time, no. But I do not like complicated things. If after a month or so, you do not give in, I move on immediately.

Final word
Women need to know that when the feeling is mutual, there should be no barricades placed all over the place like she is a barracks of sorts. Playing hard to get is not as relevant as it was then. Mutuality should be the key principle applied here.

‘Giving in too easily before truly knowing a person is a bad idea. That is just common sense!’

What is your notion on playing hard to get?
It is hiding your true feelings from someone in the hope that if you don’t act too eager, they will feel like you have something of value to offer and will pursue you with more intent.
My notion is that instead of playing hard to get, girls should just have standards, but the difference is often lost on people, i.e. don’t just sleep with a man because he asked; find out what criteria must be met that aligns with your values first.
Is it marriage? Is it meeting his friends and family? I believe a real connection requires honesty and playing hard to get is just that - playing. It is a tad manipulative and dishonest, so instead of playing hard to get, have values and standards — communicate them honestly and be done with it.

Have you played hard to get before?
When I was younger I think I may have. But I feel like some kinds of playing hard to get are as a result of immaturity.
In the dating game, the man is usually the one who does the chasing.

Do you think it applies vice versa?
If you are asking whether I believe that women should chase men, I am a little old school in this regard.
I believe men are born to be chasers and hunters and society also conditions them to fill this role thus even when men say they don’t mind a woman chasing them, when you do, you end up depriving them of an essential part of the courting process, and thus end up with the relationship starting on an uneven keel.

There is a school of thought, men in particular, that believes that women who play hard to get in essence lower their chances of being dated/hooked the longer they take to say yes. Do you believe so?
I believe that the courting phase of a relationship is a bit of a game and honestly, you need to know how to play it. Be open, warm and friendly. Don’t show zero interest. However, you must also remain a little aloof so as not to appear desperate.
However, this usually works if you are not actually desperate! So don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship because I believe everything has its time and place. +
In short, I disagree that women who play hard to get will not find love. I think women with the right kind of standards, get the right kind of man.

Some women think that giving in easily will make them be deemed “loose”. Do you buy that?
Different strokes for different folks and it depends on your moral compass - I am definitely not the kind to give in easily but that is my nature, so I am true to it. But generally, giving in too easily before truly knowing a person is a bad idea. That is just common sense!

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