Thursday August 28 2014

Is playing hard to get outdated?

By Olive Eyotaru

‘When the feeling is mutual, there should be no barricades placed all over the place like she is a barracks of sorts.’

What is your notion on playing hard to get
Ummm…It applies mainly to women who wouldn’t want to appear cheap to their suitors. They do that with a notion that when a woman plays hard to get, even when she desires the man, the man ends up cherishing her for a long time.
But to differ a bit, playing hard to get would not apply in Western countries because we all know the women there are more assertive and know what they want. In Africa, we still have some conservativeness about it and encourage women, in particular, to play hard to get.

Have you played hard to get before?
Oh yes in high school (laughs). There was this girl who had something for me. Of course, I knew this so I tried to distance myself from her because she had so many male friends. I thought that by not falling for her, I would have some superiority over her male buddies and collect “points”. However, when I delayed to respond to her advances, she moved on. She thought I was a loser (chuckles).

In the dating game, the man is usually the one who does the chasing. Do you think this applies vice versa?
I think the semantics have revolved over the years, so we see more women chase after men because they probably want something. Look at what happens on social media where a girl sends you a friend request, then asks you out or hounds you for a date. Times have surely changed!

Men are said to believe that women who play hard to get in essence lower their chances of being dated/hooked the longer they take to say yes. Do you believe so?
Let me tell you something… in this day and age, technology has changed everything in the dating game. I mean, if you play hard to get, I will just go on Facebook or Twitter or any social media site and get someone I like. It is not complicated anymore.

Some women think that giving in easily will make them be deemed “loose”. Do you buy that?
A man will not even think much about that. If I want to date you and you are trying to “delay” the process, there are other options. These platforms have given chance to people to interact more and take it to another level. If you are playing hard to get, I deem you to be difficult.

Should there be a period for a woman/man to play hard to get before actual dating begins?
I think it depends on the age bracket of that person. If you are 25 years and below and you play hard to get, you are usually in big trouble. Usually, people who are 25 and above, are more mature and know how to handle the dating game.

Do you think standards come into play here?
It all depends. If you are a club goer, your standards could be different from a church person. Honestly, there are those who will wait forever in the hope that the girl will be worth it. But on my side…hmmm...if I was a church person, I probably would but at this point in time, no. But I do not like complicated things. If after a month or so, you do not give in, I move on immediately.

Final word
Women need to know that when the feeling is mutual, there should be no barricades placed all over the place like she is a barracks of sorts. Playing hard to get is not as relevant as it was then. Mutuality should be the key principle applied here.

‘Giving in too easily before truly knowing a person is a bad idea. That is just common sense!’

What is your notion on playing hard to get?
It is hiding your true feelings from someone in the hope that if you don’t act too eager, they will feel like you have something of value to offer and will pursue you with more intent.
My notion is that instead of playing hard to get, girls should just have standards, but the difference is often lost on people, i.e. don’t just sleep with a man because he asked; find out what criteria must be met that aligns with your values first.
Is it marriage? Is it meeting his friends and family? I believe a real connection requires honesty and playing hard to get is just that - playing. It is a tad manipulative and dishonest, so instead of playing hard to get, have values and standards — communicate them honestly and be done with it.

Have you played hard to get before?
When I was younger I think I may have. But I feel like some kinds of playing hard to get are as a result of immaturity.
In the dating game, the man is usually the one who does the chasing.

Do you think it applies vice versa?
If you are asking whether I believe that women should chase men, I am a little old school in this regard.
I believe men are born to be chasers and hunters and society also conditions them to fill this role thus even when men say they don’t mind a woman chasing them, when you do, you end up depriving them of an essential part of the courting process, and thus end up with the relationship starting on an uneven keel.

There is a school of thought, men in particular, that believes that women who play hard to get in essence lower their chances of being dated/hooked the longer they take to say yes. Do you believe so?
I believe that the courting phase of a relationship is a bit of a game and honestly, you need to know how to play it. Be open, warm and friendly. Don’t show zero interest. However, you must also remain a little aloof so as not to appear desperate.
However, this usually works if you are not actually desperate! So don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship because I believe everything has its time and place. +
In short, I disagree that women who play hard to get will not find love. I think women with the right kind of standards, get the right kind of man.

Some women think that giving in easily will make them be deemed “loose”. Do you buy that?
Different strokes for different folks and it depends on your moral compass - I am definitely not the kind to give in easily but that is my nature, so I am true to it. But generally, giving in too easily before truly knowing a person is a bad idea. That is just common sense!

Should there be a period for a woman/man to play hard to get before actual dating begins?
No, I believe each situation is different. No two circumstances can be exactly the same.

With the peer pressure that comes with dating, should women hold onto the rule of playing hard to get?
As I have said throughout this interview - women should take their time to get to know men before committing anything to them as men and women view and use sex and intimacy very differently - ensure he gets to know you, ensure he feels invested in you as a human being before you go off investing your goodies on him!

Final word
Be honest, be sincere, have standards - like attracts like. Good men are out there; just ask yourself if you are a good woman worth finding.

Is all the chase worth it?

I wonder why a woman would play hard to get with even a man they like. We men, have a lot of things to worry about, much more important things like inflation, if Manchester United will win this weekend lest I lose my bet, or even a slow internet connection.

And yet at the end of the day we have to put up with the frustration that comes with girls who play hard to get.
These women are stubborn; many times women do not want to make the first move. If you exchange long stares, glances and winks with a dead gorgeous woman but she does not come up to you, it is quite obvious she may want you to walk up to her (normal is boring; walk up to me for once!). But are you going to let her get away just because she doesn’t come onto you right away? Do you consider her response outdated?

Julius Okurut, a forex bureau attendant, argues that if a woman wants a man to want her more, know about their emotional side and then try to win over his affection.
“Playing hard to get has never expired. Ugandan women hate giving in too easily. Bold women who walk up to men are seen only in movies,” Okurut says. Anthony Kanuma, a rising audio producer, thinks a woman who plays hard to get still does it for him. “From my point of view, women do not want to be taken for granted, and they believe this happens if they give men the green light too early in a relationship. They try to weigh if this man is patient,” he says. However, Esther Namugenyi, a construction supervisor, insists that playing hard to get is not outdated. “Playing hard to get is outdated? No!” she laughed when I paused the question hypothetically.

“There are lots of women out there. But any woman needs more security to know you are a good man for her, and playing hard to get is one way of being sure the man is serious about you. Give her some time, and if she keeps looking for someone else, move on,” Namugenyi adds. She suggests that if you are interested in her, go for her and do not let anything stop you, not even her mean loops.

“You never know it could be your soulmate. She could want you to make the first move, because she is under the impression that if she comes over to you right off the bat, she may lose your respect, even though it probably is not the case,” she says, before concluding that playing hard to get will never phase out.
Fred Isabirye, a marriage counsellor, says playing hard to get can increase feelings of “wanting” in others but at the same time decrease “liking”.

“Playing hard to get is a useful strategy under the right conditions. This ‘game’ works when your potential partner is already interested and when they think you are likeable and nice, but are not yet passionate about you,” Isabirye says. He adds: “In that situation, being a little bit of a challenge can increase their perception of your value as a lover and motivate them to chase you more. When people are denied what they want (even a little), they tend to want it all the more,” he tips.

Playing hard to get is a big boost, but at times, it is a big turn off for men, especially when a girl keeps rebuffing him all the time. But I think if a man is worth a shot, and you have been keeping him on ice all the while, it is time for you to give away a few signs to show that your frozen heart is finally starting to melt.

Compiled by Emmy Omongin

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