How to change diapers without pushing Mr away

Children are no doubt a blessing in a relationship, and when the first one comes, the attention and love is unmatched. However, the attention one gives the child may cause them to drift from their partner and thus the other party may feel left out. Carol Nambowa writes.

Thursday May 29 2014

By Carol Nambowa

Imagine you are dating boyfriend X. You are with him for a year then along the way, charming man Y catches your eye. Y buys you gifts, takes you out, spends his money on you, remembers to buy you flowers and praises you, things X no longer does. You are most likely to find yourself spending more time with your new found love Y than with X.

This is a scenario Tom Ochieng, an engineer and father of three, compares to a woman’s fixation on a new-born to her husband.

On the other hand, Simon, who requested to withhold his second name because of the sensitivity of his comments, says: “Sometimes I leave the office or the bar after hanging out with friends and all I want to do is get intimate with my wife, but when I reach home, she is still looking after the baby.”

So, it looks like the bouncing bundle of joy does not only come with sunny days but with dump ones, characterised by sleepless nights from the baby’s late night cries, hiked financial expenses, less couple time, invasion of privacy and interrupted sex life.

Although this is not a drive against having babies, babies do affect relationships in several ways.

Jean Nuwagaba, a counsellor at Kyambogo University, says the post-birth period calls for change in the general lifestyle of the new mother and father.

Depending on the timing of the delivery, psychological preparations, the couple’s individual perceptions and reactions to the circumstances after birth, a baby will either bring togetherness to the couple or drift them apart to a certain extent.

So, some of the aspects couples have to work around after the baby include:

A baby is considered vulnerable by many, and naturally requires lots of attention, particularly from its mother. Her attention will shift from whether daddy’s shoes are polished to whether the baby’s feeding bottles are clean.
“The baby needs more attention than the man. The time she used to spend doing things for him, she now uses to attend to the baby,” explains Margaret Kisakye, a mother of two.

Andrew Kigozi, a father of one, and Mark Ssengendo, a father of three, attest to this, both saying the attention of the woman is divided between the baby and her husband.

“I find the shift in the woman’s attention from her husband to the baby natural and sometimes unconscious,” Ochieng says.

When the baby is born, some women like Maria Arinaitwe, a mother of three, move to their own rooms with the baby. If the man is not understanding, he is pushed to think the woman does not care about him anymore.

However, Simon says not all men feel left out as is widely assumed.

“When the baby is still young, it definitely needs more attention than me. Besides I could use some space while my wife takes care of the baby.”
On this, Ssengendo advises that it would require the man to have patience and understand, this is a new addition to the family and it is here to stay.

“If the man gets involved in taking care of the baby, he adapts and easily fits in with the baby,” he adds.
In addition, Hope Nankunda Mwijuka, a counseling psychologist with Healing Talk Counseling Services, encourages women to continue showing their husbands love and care even after the baby.

“Know what he loves to eat and cook it for him. As you prepare for the children, you can also prepare him his favourite meal. Eat with him even when he comes home late. When doing shopping for the baby, you can buy him something too,” Mwijuka advises.

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