Thursday March 27 2014

I cheated to give my man a child but he left

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, my boyfriend and I have dated for five years now. We have been trying to have a child for the past three years in vain. Recently, I got pregnant, but I must confess that the child is not his. I cheated. I love him so much, so I did everything I could to get him a child. It’s unfortunate though that it didn’t work out with him. When he found out, he left me. I miss him and I want him back. But how? Do we have a chance of getting back together? Help me.
- Anonymous
your solutions
Dear Anonymous, I know you are in a tricky situation but what you need to know is, relationships are maintained by faithfulness, patience and openness. You cheated because you wanted to keep your relationship, however, this turned out to be the end of the affair. Children are very important in marriage, but love and trust help to build a strong relationship. There are couples who have no children yet they are very happy.
I am sure that not being able to have a child was not the only issue, you must have had some other needs that your boyfriend could not provide. Learn to be content with what you have. A relationship should always come first before other issues. Also, what is not clear is whether you love the person responsible for the pregnancy, or you just wanted to use him to achieve your goal. If you do love him, then go ahead and marry him but if not, then settle down and pray for someone you love. Learn to be patient because you will never find a super man. Also learn to be always be faithful.
N. Ojambo

Dear my friend, I am strongly touched by your issue. I know how you feel and how you are at the moment, though I don’t support what you did to your boyfriend. Many people go through the same problem, but both of you need to be patient as you try to have a child. It hurts to find out that your lover has cheated you. You wouldn’t do that if you believed that you were still in love. You still love him but it looks like his love will never be the same as it was before if you get back together. Try to approach him and use his closest friends to convince him but always remember that a broken heart is hard to mend. Looking for a baby for three years was not too long because even some people wait for 10 years and still succeed. May the Lord bless you all.
Andrew M

Dear Anonymous, I think your boyfriend feels betrayed and needs time to recover. Try to give him some time, and then get a way of making him understand your desperate effort to get him a child. If you fail to get him to give you an opportunity to explain yourself, then get someone he trusts to talk to him. However, make sure this person has no bias towards you because they may take advantage of the friction to push you further away. Also, a man who is meant to be yours will always come back. If after all your efforts he still fails to come around, then let go. Don’t torture yourself or blame the child because the damage has already been done. Also pray about your relationship.

Anonymous, this is a typical Catch 22 situation. First things first, you should have consulted a doctor after your three years of trying. Last year, there was an inspiring story in the papers about a certain famous pastor who together with his wife had waited for about seven years before they had a child. Sometimes it could be the timing, but you should have consulted him before cheating. How do you say you love him yet you still went ahead and cheated on him - didn’t you think of the repercussions? What if you had contracted an STI? Don’t you think he is justified to walk away. The truth is, chances of getting him back are minimal.

Girl, move on with your life and take care of your child. Right now, that relationship should be the least of your worries. Instead of putting all your energy in a man who does not want you, spend it on your child otherwise you are only going to stress yourself and start resenting your child.

Dear Anonymous, how can you possibly think that this man is still interested in getting back with you? You lied to him. People who have difficulty giving birth seek help from experts, together, and when it is decided that they surely cannot give birth they discuss options such as adoption. You betrayed this man and eroded any trust he could have had in you. Try your luck in getting him back because you never know, a miracle could happen, but remember to be honest with your partner next time.

Dear Anonymous, you should just move on!

Cheating is one of the most hurtful things, probably even unforgivable, in a relationship. While you went out of your way to find a child for the two of you, that child is not biologically your boyfriend’s and, therefore, it was wrong for you to do that. He will not return to you because he no longer trusts you since he believes you can never persevere in terms of crisis. Even if you persuade him to return, you will never share the same love as before. Besides, he is now aware that failure to bear a child is on his side and not yours and he feels emotionally battered as a man. So, kindly think of raising your child on your own and forget all about him.

Mukwano, didn’t your mum teach you well about commitment or for better for worse? Anyway, i’ll not judge you but all I can say is that there’s no hope of getting back that man. Move on!

Next week’s problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am 32. I was dating a girl at campus, but after school she left me on grounds that I was poor. On her graduation day she was with someone she had been dating. As time went by, her relationship did not go well for her and she often called me and I was there to console her. She met another person, who also dumped her on grounds that she was too money-minded. After a while without communicating, I learnt that she had given birth.

One time we met in town and she told me how she wanted me back but she was not sure I would take her back with a baby. I accepted and within two weeks we started staying together. What hurts is that she told me she will not give birth to my child unless I marry her officially. I need a baby badly and if she doesn’t give me one, I will leave her. However, I feel sorry for her and the baby.