Thursday September 4 2014

I’m 23, he is 38 ...is he too old?

The problem
Dear Hear to Heart, I am a 23-year-old girl just out of campus and looking forward to a serious relationship. Problem is that all the men I am currently dating do not seem serious. There is, however, this particular 38-year-old, once married but separated (understandable). He has two children from his previous relationship and is serious about starting over with me. I have not consented to his proposal yet. My worry is that we have way much of a big age difference between us. Please advise me.
Robina
your solutions

Do not be desperate for marriage, make your money first. Most men between 25 and 30 want casual relationships, not wives! Why rush?
Recheal

In any relationship, never ignore red flags raised in the first month. That man should be somewhat your dad or uncle’s age. Do not be in a rush to be in a relationship. Start chasing your career. Believe me a relationship below 26, unless God prepared it, will never be fun.
Jacob

Your agemates are just playing with you. Aren’t you aware that girls grow faster than men? Ask yourself why he is coming for a 23-year-old yet there are women of his age. Go on with him, but he should be serious. Do some research on him.
Brian

Girlfriend, age is just a number. If the man makes you happy and adds value to your life, say yes already. Besides I assume he is mature, a trait that is rare with men in 20s.
Susan

You have enough time to make possible and meaningful relationships. It is too early to start letting things like men and their problems bother you. First make yourself happy solely.
Robina
At 23, you are good to go. Otherwise, one day you will wake up and you are 38, and your agemates won’t consider you then either.
Shargy

Don’t dare! Age would not be a problem only if he never had children. Wait for another man who has never been married.
Alex

You will not find a serious relationship in your age bracket dear, there is no big gap. Others are marrying men 15 to 20 years older. Munange women grow faster in appearance than men, the one you think is older will look younger than you in a few years of marriage. It is your choice.
Margaret

Look here Robina, just at 23 you are desperate. Let me ask you; Do you think about how you are going to be after 20 years? Please be patient, wait for a man of your age. Don’t force nature. It is true you finished campus but you are too young to get married to a man of that age.
Joseph

Bear in mind that in a relationship, age is just a ratio. What matters is true love. It is, however, good for you to bear in mind that you are not getting married to one who is five years older, because it will bore you so much.
Emmanuel

Age is just a number. A 15-year age difference is not bad. If you love him, marry him.
Jawhar

Please don’t hesitate, age is a ratio, go ahead if he is serious.
Ismail

If you love him, age difference does not count. The more you delay, know that time will not be on your side.
Tonny

Those old men are not also serious.
Fatuma

You girls are never serious, you are going to reach there and what you expect is not what you will find.
Faida

That one will keep you with all his heart, not like those in their 20s.
Patrick

Dear Robina, age does not matter, as long as you love him. Don’t be pushed by age though, you still have high chances of getting a man who has never married. Look for something to do to keep you busy and stop thinking about marriage.
Caroline

After having only two children, I promise you, your shape will also change. Get a man of 25 and he will separate with you at 35.
Moses

counsellor’s take :David Kavuma, MildMay Counselling Services
Dear Robinah, with relationships, it depends on what you want and if things work out, it is still you who benefits from the positive outcomes. Therefore, before you consider others, first consider yourself and think about what you truly want as an individual and then consider other people’s opinions.

Have a checklist of the things you would want in the other person and tick off what you see in this man. The aspect of age difference, having children and the fact that he was previously married should all be of concern to you. You need to do your homework well to verify whether this 38-year-old man really legally separated with his wife or not. Often times, one can say he separated with the wife but it is just a matter of time before they sort out their differences and are back together. So find out if they are still legally bound to avoid being entangled.

Thirdly, take your time to know more about this man because it is not good to rush. Find out what the cause of his previous breakup was, so that you do not fall victim of the same. You are 23 years old and have just completed university and your life is very precious and important. Do not make rushed decisions and even when you decide to get into a relationship with this man, ask him to take an HIV test. Do not rush.

Next week’s problem
Dear Heart to Heart, there is something that has been bothering me for a while. Whenever I leave home for work in the morning, my wife does not bid me a safe journey or say a mere “bye bye”. Also when I return home in the evenings after work, she does not welcome me back or give me a pleasant smile as before. The worst part is that when it is time to go to bed, she puts the baby in between us. Do you think that I am in the wrong place for love? Must I quit home and relocate? Please I need your help!
Anonymous

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