Thursday July 10 2014

Loneliness in marriage is worse than a jail cell


By Mike Ssegawa

I have met sad and lonely married people. Some people become lonelier after they get married than when they were still single.

Going to the basics, there is a thin line between loneliness and being married to the wrong person. To some people, this emptiness makes them bitter with the whole world. They don’t want to see anyone around them happy.

Others just get out of their boring lives to compensate with whoever can replace their partners. These are the 40-something fellows you find hanging out with campusers in night clubs. Likewise, some loners become bitter to a point of making life hard for everyone, including strangers. You must have seen people picking a fight with someone for stepping on their shoes in a taxi, banking hall, restaurant, or any other public place.

Like Hope Bukirwa, a girl from a well-to-do family whose father and mother swore that whoever brings peasants to their family will be a disgrace.

Hope meets Mande Wasike, a boy she loves. They fall in love because they were together at campus. Later she realised Wasike was a tailor’s son. He was from Sironko District. It was his sharp intellect that got him near Kampala, and a slot at university. Hope loved Wasike nevertheless and she even supported him until they graduated five years ago.
One thing got between them and marriage – Wasike’s background.

Hope turned down Wasike’s proposal, explaining to him her parents’ rules. Wasike was hurt but had nothing to do. Four months later, she was a tycoon’s wife.
He never heard from her until last month when she bumped into him. In fact, it wasn’t her. It is her sister Anne, who met Wasike at a comedy night at the National Theatre. When he inquired about Hope, she just put her through the line. “You can’t believe Mande is here,” she told the person on the other side of the line.
To cut the long story short. Hope came to see Mande that evening.
“I am lonely, Mande. My husband is never around and he does not allow me to see anyone. I am like a prisoner,” she sobbed.

Mande, now a middle-level manager in an international organisation, was all ears, and later handed out his business card. “You can call me whenever you want to talk,” he said. Hope’s hubby apparently does not pay attention to her. He is ever busy, does not consult her on anything, and the only thing uniting them are the the children. There are many people suffering broken hearts like Hope. They married the titles, and not the person.

It is terrible living in a relationship where one’s only contributions are babies and shopping in the market. I should say, going into any relationship for any reasons but love is the leading cause of this loneliness, and dysfunctional marriages; money, status, looks, fame, etc, are like window shopping offers. You need to check out the real product.

And you can tell when you see people like Hope. The once-confident person becomes shy. Some girl or man with a great body all of sudden slims or adds lots of beef, depending on how their body copes.
Some people just start spending nights in bars or attending night prayers in church. Usually, churches and bars are the biggest destinations for people suffering marriage disorders like loneliness.

The fact is, no partner is perfect, but you can start with marrying a person you love. Then, if you take one day at a time, you can make your relationship work.