Thursday May 8 2014

Looking for money? Here’s the bank key


By Mike Ssegawa

There are people who marry for love. And those who marry for money. I know you aren’t one of them, but for those who care about their future hubby’s bank account, let me break down the moneyed man for you.

Mr Wealth
You should all marry wealthy men. Yes, literally. I too believe you would rather cry in a benz and bungalow than smile in a shack. Problem is, many women can’t tell a wealthy man from a broke one. They go for appearances: looks, suits, perfumes and cars. But wealthy people are different. Look at Sudhir, Mukwano, Lalani or Madhvani, these men never dress like that broke man who proposed to you after selling off his father’s land. Mr Wealth is not showy. His tastes are simple.

Since he has invested in stock exchange, land and property across the country, he doesn’t want any advice from you on how to run his empire. All he wants is a girl to make him feel “complete”. If you want to know this man, he is chauffeured in a Range Rover or Mercedes Benz G or S class. Forget the Harriers and Prados conmen use to hoodwink their victims.

The obstacles: He might be too old for you, but since you have dated pensioners before, this may pass. He is also married, divorced or widowed. So, be ready to be a mistress. The last one, you’re low class and cannot fit in his circles. If you put effort into learning his ways and impress his friends and family, you can as well use the same energy to start your kiosk and grow it to a billion shillings worth.

Mr Money
He is usually a managing director of a blue chip company. By the way, blue chip here doesn’t mean Ssegawa and Sons Ltd. I mean serious organisations like Airtel, Monitor, Nile Breweries, NSSF, URA, KCCA, Centenary Bank, etc. Mr Money may also be a businessman, owning the likes of Ange Noir or imports Chinese merchandise. Let’s be honest, these men are rich, not, wealthy.

Mr Money dresses, walks, eats, drinks, and drives to prove a point. He thinks he is an achiever. You date or marry him, be ready to meet his targets because he will fire you if you don’t. He wants his girls pretty and intelligent so that at company or corporate parties, he can parade you as a trophy on his rich CV, peppered with an MBA from Harvard or LSE. If you are therefore MUBS or Mbarara University of Technology and Science bred, please find your level.
Mr Survivor

I wonder why many of you mistake Mr Survivor for a “rich man”. The only rich thing about this dude is his bragging. He’s servicing a mortgage and a car loan. Most corporate men you have met fall in this category.

Mr Conman
There are girls and silly girls. How on earth do you fall for a man without a known business or job? Unfortunately the conman has made his mark on you. He wears a suit and sharp-pointed shoes on a daily, even when he is watching a Cranes game at Namboole. He never tells you where he works, apart from bragging how he met Aga Khan at Serena hotel over a Bujagali deal. If you see a man changing cars every week, ask him if he runs a garage, a washing bay or if he is a conman.

Mr Love Me Just
He talks in the future. He is humble and doesn’t hide the purest of love. His lines border to Shakespeare’s prose - he will die for you. Wait a minute! He doesn’t mind dying for you, so he has nothing to lose. Everything he promises is in the future. It is up to you to consider him if you are not the kind who asks, “who eats love?”
Before I sign out, my editor’s boss says I forgot someone. Mr Little Boy. The one who “will ‘detooth’ you but give you a good time”. I agree.