Marriage: Picking up the pieces after infidelity

Your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair and much more to do with the responses to it by the couple. Marriages do not end because of infidelity but how infidelity is dealt with.

 

BY CHRISTINE KATENDE

IN SUMMARY

  • Your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair and much more to do with the responses to it by the couple. Marriages do not end because of infidelity but how infidelity is dealt with.

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A week ago, Renitah opened up about her current marriage situation. It is so hurting that a once happy life is now hell. She is equivalent to stone on the ground because despite staying in her marriage for seven years, life changed the day she found out about her husband’s infidelity.

Having been broken and shuttered, Renitah lost it all. She lost the affection, love, emotion attachment and trust and she has lived in this state for two years now.
“I trusted this man with all my heart, gave in all I had, did nothing but trusted and loved him alone but to my surprise, he chose to stub me in the back. I am so hurt and broken, and have nothing left,” Renitah painfully reveals.

Cycle of love
Evelyn Kharono, a relationships coach, brings to light that in life, we go through stages and so does love. In Renitah’s case, she lost all that she felt and had for her man, apparently she is living in confusion. Although she no longer sees him as her love, she has failed to decide on whether to walk out of the marriage or stay.

“When two people meet, love is at its highest point in the first phase,” highlights the expert. She explains that as two people live together, reality sets in and then love is tested.
At this point, Kharono says, the couple tends to get used to each other and in most cases, issues will start popping up after two years of the romance phase.
Such situations are normal, however, the psychologist notes that at this level, the two (couple) have to be intentional to make the relationship work.

Salvaging what is lost
Although Renitah’s husband has failed to realise the fact that he is just living with a souless body so as to capture what he is about to lose, Kharono says it is better to do something in such a situation.

Do things together
“Do certain activities together such as jogging or watch a nice movie together, attend a class together or go for marriage refresher courses,” she advises.
Kharono further clarifies that if the suggested route is not deliberately taken, the possibility of losing emotional attachment is too high and this is when most relationships loose out either through cheating on one another or quitting.

Prayer
On the other hand, Jonathan Okir, also a relationship psychologist sights prayer as another strong weapon that can help to curb the nasty situation.
“At this point is when we all need a higher power (God) to be part of all our decisions and most importantly in relationships. Love, emotional attachment and attraction can fade away, the only thing that will keep you in that relationship is the assurance you got from God that your spouse is the right one.

With that, you can go back to the creator (God) and state your case,” he reveals, adding, “God never fails and can be trusted with all or everything.”
Since two people cannot walk together unless they agree, Okir suggests that the couple should at this time find out what caused the love, emotional attachment and attraction to varnish.

Repentance and forgiveness
“Address the issue and if the party is remorseful, seek other ways to revive the love, emotional attachment and attraction,” he notes.
The expert talks of forgiveness being the underlining principle for keeping the relationship alive.
However, if the other party does not see the problem just as Renitah’s husband, psychologists then advise that you both agree to seek professional help before it hits a dead end.

In this, give the process about three months with professional help but if the symptoms persist and you are not yet married, run for your life.
However, if you are married, Okir strongly advises that you stick in that relationship and fight for the love, emotional attachment and attraction to return. In all this, trust in God who alone can change people as you also ask Him to also help you to forgive your spouse

Healing
According to beyondaffairs.com, long after your spouse has cheated on you, you still have injuries that have barely healed. There is nothing “past” about this affair for you and it is not past for them either. Your spouse needs to discover why this happened and what is going to be different to ensure that it does not happen again, otherwise there is a high probability of a re occurrence down the road.

If willpower, a promise or renewing vows was enough to ensure faithfulness, the affair would not have happened in the first place. Then that first promise, on your wedding day would have worked. After all, when people exchange wedding vows, I do not believe they are thinking, “well I will just say these words, but I do not mean them. At some later date if I want to have an affair, I will go ahead.”

Voices
What would you do if all is gone?

Joseph Dembe, dating

That is obvious, I just concentrate on my job or business to make money and support my family.

Joseph Okware, dating
I am one person who hates stress, so I think I will forego what happened and go on with my life. I will simply let her be

Semei Mukama, married
I would keep quiet if I am responsible for the situation then turn to God to help me create a moment in her life to once remember the good side of me.

ckatende@ug.nationmedia.com

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