Dear Heart to Heart, I had been cohabiting with a Muslim man for more than 16 years but we have failed to have children. Efforts to get my man to go for fertility tests with me have always failed. But recently I discovered that he married a fellow Muslim in 2015. When I asked him about it, he told me to leave since he was now married to a woman of his faith. However, he is now asking me to return. His new wife also does not have a child with him. I do not want to return because I am tired of being in a childless relationship with an uncooperative man, please advise.
Moses Earthe. For 16 years you were digging on a rock? This is unfortunate but since you have made up your mind and feel you should not return, it is fine.
Silver Okiror. That is sad Jacklyn but if you have made up your mind to move on, please do, it is for your own good and happiness. Sixteen years without any fruit of marriage is such a long time. Since you were not married, I would advise you to get someone who will love you without any excuse of faith, age and broken or fruitless relationship. What do you want in life? If it is happiness, you are one decision away from getting it. Think twice before making a decision.
Anna Montana Elizabeth. Follow your heart, it is the most important decision maker when it comes to love issues. But I would say do not turn back, move on with your life. He will still get another woman because his desperation for a child is more than the love he feels for you. And it seems he is the one with a problem if he married another woman in 2015 who also failed to conceive. You are worth more than that. You deserve a better person who is going to stand with you through it all, who won’t wake up and throw you in the trash because of one problem. You deserve someone who will stick with you through it all and together find a solution.
Anne Alan Sizomu. People have patience which clearly some of us do not have. Regardless of whether we were married, a man that utters such words to me will surely see daylights in his head.
So he asks you to leave with arrogance and now realises he fired blanks and swings his trousers that return? He might reward you with infections and some beating. Just move on. There are widows and women who are single who will take him up.
Monica Nabukenya. Let him first at least kukyala at your parent’s home or you introduce him then convince him to go for a fertility checkup. If he cannot do that, find another man and prove him right.
Sevens Violet Jackie. It is your life. Please follow your heart. But returning to him is also not a bad idea since some people who have gone through the same will tell you the situation became normal.
Siende Arnold. Sixteen years is a long time. You have wasted enough of your life on this man. Find a way to move on and hopefully get the children you deserve elsewhere.
Eiphni Eiphni. First of all, he has shown you disrespect and has degraded you, he treats you like leftovers. Forget him. If he can easily throw you away, it means he does not value you as his partner. There are many boyfriends and cohabiting partners to find easily but my advice is; forget about boyfriends and cohabiting partners. Raise your standards and start thinking of having a husband.
Ouma Charles. When will you ever reach your destination when you keep going steps backwards? Go forward. Do not think of what tomorrow will bring if you left him, be focused, just know what you want, take your time, you will get the love of your life.
Onen Peter. He sent you away and now you want to return? This man already knows he is the problem. No wonder he refused to go with you for fertility treatments. Go back only if you want more misery. Had you ever been with another man and had a child or is he the first man you copulated with?
Jinnob Pokana: I am assuming you started cohabiting at 20 meaning you could be 36 now. My sister wake up your your sleep if you dream of having a child because returning to him does not guarantee you having a children.
Adeola Onitolo: Your issue is not a big problem. Modern technology has brought solace to millions of childless couples worldwide by engaging in assisted reproduction by artificial insemination and IVF. By following these two ways, your hope of having child/children is guaranteed.
Ali Male, Counselling psychologist at A-Z professional counselling centre
Return if you are willing to share
Dear Jacklyn, it is clear you are stressed and anxious of not having a baby from a relationship you have stayed in for long.
The grief of your past relationship alone must be troubling your mind and if you are thinking of having another, it takes real commitment. Remember that relationships are built on logical principals such as commitment, communication, conflict resolution, positive attitude, personal growth and justice. Try to work along them to get a proper direction for your decision.
You do not tell us if you went to a fertility centre to establish if you are not the cause of the delay in conceiving. Like you stated, your husband should also be cooperative and you should try to convince him to come with you.
It is common that relationships with religious differences have their own challenges but while you date, you should be able to talk about it. It is up to you if you want to go back to him and are ready to share him with another person and also help him to get to a fertility centre. Weighing what you have gone through, and what you want, you can still choose to find another relationship. Remain proactive and try to synergize.