Thursday February 13 2014

My boyfriend has another girl, but she’s nice

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have dated my boyfriend for two years. We have been happy and everything seemed to run smoothly until recently when I found out that he had another girlfriend. I was disappointed and confronted him about it. He assured me about how he is still a young man who is still making choices, so he had no regrets about having different affairs. I didn’t know what to do because I feel so attached to him. Problem is this other girl is so sweet and nice, one part of me wants to leave the man for her, the other part wants me to confront her and tell her that he’s a cheating bastard and she deserves better and yet the most confused part of me wants to stay because I love him. We have been through a lot and I know with time, he might realise what’s good for him. I am totally confused, please help me.
- Confused Clara
your solutions
Dear Clara, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. That man found one and never had the eyes to see it. His lust took the best of him and you cannot settle for that. He may or may never break up with that other lady but your life can not hang around someone who cannot appreciate you. Even when you end up with him, he will find occasion to cheat on you. Move on. You have wasted enough time with him and you cannot afford to lose any more time. And do not tell the other lady he is a cheat for you will be humiliating yourself. About you loving him, there is no point in melting your affections on someone who is not worth it. We all know someone will show up and love you for who you are. But it will start with you attaching value to yourself.

Dear Clara, I certainly think the two of you are not yet prepared for a long-term relationship that will end up in marriage. If he is involved in other affairs, then it’s probable he is just using you. He is not decided yet – about you. You might find yourself in a sexual network. I believe the ball is in your hands. Tell him that if he truly loves you, he shouldn’t be with other girls. He might put you in danger of contracting an STD. Talk to him about how you feel and how his conduct is bothering you. Suggest that you both see a counsellor and test for HIV together. Also avoid sex until you are married. If he hesitates or refuses, you have a reason to drop him since you can’t put your life in danger. From your own words, it also seems you are not good enough for him, and as a result you want to leave him for her. You say you have gone through a lot in just two years but do you know how much you will go through with him for the rest of the coming days if you don’t make a good choice now?
Pr Allan

Clara, if you know the girl, confront her. Not for a fight but for a mature hard talk. You both deserve better than a cheating man like him. Tell her the truth and let her decide her next move. As for you, just move on because you deserve better. You need someone who can appreciate your worth.

My dear Clara, men are not easy to get nowadays. Better tame the devil you know rather than look for an angel you don’t know. Fight for your man!

My dear girlfriend, How would you frame that? Your boyfriend has a girlfriend? Are you nuts? I think you deserve better. If that man loved you, he wouldn’t be seeing someone else or at least he would try to hide it from you. Respect yourself, dump him and go get yourself a better man! Good luck!

Mnnnnh! Sweetheart, you are not alone but life is what you make it. If being with him is hard for you, then try plan B. That man shouldn’t and can’t be a limit to your happiness. There are men out there who are wiling to carry you like glass, quit.

Clara, concentrate on what will endear your man if you really want him. The other girl is not the problem, so there is no need to confront her because you could completely lose him to her. The other girl clearly doesn’t know about you so focus on how to win him over completely and then confront the girl after he has officially married you. It’s not about changing him but changing your attitude and views. It’s hard to change people but we can influence them through our actions. If you feel you can’t win him over completely, then cut short your losses and move on.

Dear Clara, I am sorry about what you are going through but:
1. You must learn to be confident in yourself and never consider others better than you are - your pain is an indication that this man you so much love has already wounded your self esteem/ego.
2. This man has no respect for you, considering that he had the guts to rub it in your face that he has no regrets about having other affairs. This should be enough to show you that he is still immature and nowhere near settling down. He is clearly not yet ready for commitment and therefore not worth your time and emotions. I therefore encourage you to forget about this man, pick another leaf in life and move on. There are many men out there who would value you if you gave them an opportunity.

Clara, never say that again. I mean, about other girls being better than you. Yes, she may be more beautiful but yet she is not marriage material. Never judge someone by his/her looks. Give your man time, don’t always call or beep him and don’t try to confront the other girl. If time passes and nothing has changed, just let him go and move on.

Clara dear, there is no way you can correct what you are unable to confront.

I don’t know how old your man is but the direction of your relationship is showed in his claim to be young and so has the right to philander around. This of course confirms his immaturity and disrespect. Attacking the ‘sweet’ girl will not help because she too sees you as a threat. You deserve better; someone who respects and appreciates your emotions. For two years you have been giving, that’s why you find it hard to move on, but the earlier you do so, the better. You can’t sacrifice yourself to emotional and psychological torture at the hands of someone who doesn’t care. Move on my dear. You will find a man who will make you smile every day.

Counsellor’s take: Stephen Tabu, Hope in Life Counselling Services

Dear Clara, one thing I know is that a relationship built on mistrust does not develop in any way. It is up to you to make a decision. If you decide to stay with him, there is going to be mistrust. He will not trust you and neither will you. With time, you will have to decide on what you really want, either to stay and share him with other girls or to break up with him.
God has a plan for each one of us but the choice is yours. You might have true love for him but the question is; Does he have true love for you?

In addition, the decision to inform the other girl still rests with you. However, keep in mind that if she does not know about you yet, the man will tell her he rejected you and that is why you are trying to spoil things for them.
I do not know whether you are a Christian, Muslim or whether you believe in God. But like it says in Jeremiah 29:11, God has a plan for you, and his plan for you is not for evil but one to prosper you.

When making a decision, take a decision you will not regret and do not rush it. As you decide, remember that relationships are built on trust, respect and honesty. Consider that for a relationship to grow there has to be mutual understanding between the parties involved. If your boyfriend tells you he loves you very much and he is saying the same to another girl, what does that mean?

Next week’s problem

Dear Heart to Heart, I married Joan in a traditional marriage a year ago. Like any other marriage, I expected children, but to date, there are no signs. I was eager to have a child and we had promised to have one in the first year. In our seventh month, I got concerned and discussed it with my wife. She told me it was too early to conceive and that she was on family planning pills. I respected her decisions. Six months later, Joan told me she was pregnant. Life was better now, I felt like a husband. However, four months later, I heard rumours that I was not responsible for the pregnancy because I was impotent. I sought a health examination and it was true. It’s now a month since I discovered that I am impotent and not the father to my unborn baby but I have not told my wife yet and I am totally confused about what to do. I have lost focus. I love my wife so much but she cheated and lied to me. Perhaps I am to blame for not being able to make her pregnant.
- Mathew