My co-wife and I are friends

How did you meet Mr?
We met at Nsambya Police Barracks in 1971. My father was a policeman and so was my husband.

Was it an instant attraction?
No, it was gradual.

What did you like about him?
So many things. I felt like we were connected.

Was he buying you sweets?
No, at least he did not attract me using money. It was pure love. To date, he is a loving man.

How does he express his love?
He buys things, but commitment is more important than material things.

How does he express his commitment?
When there is something wrong, he will be by my side. He has made sure that I have never slept hungry. There is shelter for me and when I am sick, he will do everything possible so that I get better. He has never run away from any problem, that is one thing I like about him.

How old were you when you met?
I was 20.

Did he ask your parents for your hand?
Yes. I was also proud, I would not have accepted him if he had not visited my parents.

What went through your mind the first time you saw him?
I saw him like any other ordinary man. I did not have any attachment. He was the one with intentions.

Did you chase him away?
Yes I did. He came back after two years and told me he still had intentions.

After two years? Where were you?
I was in Nairobi. He came back and kept convincing me, until I said yes.

What did you like about him?
He was handsome, nice, loving. He also knew how to talk.

After how long did you get married?
After a year.

How easy is it being a second wife?
I came into the relationship knowing I was going to be a second wife. I knew I was going to face challenges, but I was ready to do everything for my family. I do not interfere or poke my nose in issues of my co-wife. That is how I have managed.

As we informally chatted, you told me you are a proud girl, how can a proud girl allow to be a co-wife?
I am only proud of who I am, and of my achievements. If I was not proud, then I would be miserable. My pride, is to be satisfied with what I have and what is mine.

So, did he tell you he had a wife?
He told me while we were dating that he was married.

So was your first rejection based on this status?
No. I just wanted to find out how serious he was with me.

What did it take for you to accept to be a second wife?
I think it was the power of love. Having gone and then come back after sometime, I knew he was serious because I had sent him away but he came back.

So, are you friends with your co-wife?
Why not?

When did you become friends?
We lived together for years until I moved into my house. We have never had a quarrel.

Did she attend your marriage ceremony?
Yes.

Don’t you have any form of competition over your husband?
A man? Not at all. What matters at this point is having our children grow up in unity. We try as much to show them love and confidence.

What advice would you give a modern woman, who despite loving a man, thinks she cannot be a second wife?
Today I would not advise somebody to be a second wife because they can ably get their own man. But love is blind. It will make you even a fifth wife. With love, it is easy to marry a criminal.

Define the blindness in love?
Today, most women are career-driven. When somebody comes and pours all his love on you, you just go for them and before you realise it, you are already in deep. So I do not really blame anybody for settling to be a second or third wife. Love is blind. It makes you do anything.

How different was love back in the day compared to today?
Today, it is more about money and merry-making. Life was easy. We were more committed then.

Where was your marriage held?
At my parents’ home in the village. We started with prayers in town and proceeded to the village. We had a kwanjula.

How different is a traditional marriage from these other marriages?
There is a series of events during a traditional marriage. If the boy proves he is serious, then the girl will inform her parents of their relationship. The elders on the man’s side are informed and they will visit the girl’s home and make their intentions known that they would like to ask for the woman’s hand in marriage. There is what we call Arango — money which you give to a girl. It is about Shs100,000.

Who is a traditional woman, in your opinion?
A traditional woman wakes up in the morning, goes to the garden routines and then gives birth to children. She hardly goes out to invest or explore. A traditional woman is more committed to the family than the career woman.

How many children do you have?
Eight.

What keeps your marriage going?
Being sincere, faithful, and hardworking.

What challenges have you faced as a married couple?
Being married for all these years is like climbing Mountain Everest. Although I have never been there, I hear it is the highest. In marriage, you have to persevere because you do not know where the peak is. Raising children is not easy.

What is difficult about it?
Back in the day, we would depend on agriculture to send children to school. Today, agriculture alone is not sufficient. We have to find ways to supplement our income. My husband provides the school fees and I cater for the scholastic materials.

Do you get any challenges as a couple?
We get mad once in a while but we have taught ourselves that it is possible to forgive and forget.

How easy is it to forget?
It is not easy. You have to pray and learn to forget. If you keep holding everything in your heart, you will die for nothing.

Did Mr Eton convince you to change from Christianity to Islam?
It did not take him much convincing because I had admired Islam way back when I was in school.

How do you perceive religion?
Religion is just a word, and faith is the most important thing. When you want to go to Kampala, you can go via the east via the railway and via Karuma and you will still get to Kampala. That is exactly what religion is.