My dating mares

A whatsapp chat with a one Ras Darte (pet name) showed me that I needed to “grow up” if I did not want to always talk of relationships in the past instead of the present. I know I am not the only one who needs to “woman up”. We are many so I figure I can tell you what Ras spared no blushes telling me.

He said to me: “So you want someone, a partner. Do you want a long term or a service agreement? What are your specifications? At least you should be specific and know that you want a handsome Itesot, who is working, caring, loving and ‘serious’ (read committed). Isn’t that what many of you want?” It was indeed what I wanted.

“What are you high on?” he asked, jolting me out of my reverie. “That kind of person doesn't exist. Kindly lower your expectations. Working and handsome makes a narcissistic Itesot. You should just stop at good looking with a sensible job.”
Seeing that I’m not actually getting what I want, I calmly told him, “Not really handsome but someone I can be proud of walking with…

Ras’ overwhelming questions put me in a dilemma. “When was the last time you had a relationship? A regular one? Where's the guy? What happened? Anti u sound creepy, kind of crazy like you haven't had chiao in a century. Have you had any along the road? Why do you want a relationship so bad? May be you should focus and enjoy being single instead of losing out on the freedom while trying to hook up. Dating is a lot of work. You can have whatever you want when you are single.” While I felt Ras was an enemy of my progress, I think he had a point. When you are dating you have to think what your partner will think, but while single, you can hang out with the girls or male buddies. You don’t have to account to anyone.

Ras kept sticking the knife in as our conversation went on. “Jeez have you ever been single even once in your life? I think if you hung out with Desire and Jonah [our mutual friend] for an hour you would kill yourself.”

I asked why. He said, “Nanti those two act lovey dovey and since you want to be with another clown so badly, you will feel violated.”

He went on with his lecture/rant/much-needed advice: “You know men smell despair and they run. Confidence attracts good men. And right now with all those posts on facebook you appear, sound and smell desperate and that will attract only horny idiots aka team mafisi that will take a bite and walk away. Do you understand what I am saying? Delete those bloody quotes. You are making my work difficult. All the guys I talk to be like, ‘What's her name?’ I tell them then they check out your pictures and they like and then they see your posts and be like, ‘hell no!’

“But those are just posts,” I defended my facebook page. And myself.

Ras was quick to reply. “They're not just posts my dear. They speak volumes about your emotional state. And whoever left you must be swelling. Now they think you actually can't live minus them. It means they have taken control of your life without doing much. When you want to attract real guys you have to pretend or actually act like you are in control of your life.”
At this point I started to think Ras was a love guru.

A talkative one. But he had my attention. He went on to say that when you are happily single, every sensible guy will want to know what is going on in your life. You have to give off an aura of sophistication and confidence and "a-Miss-Independent-I-got-it" attitude and not appear like a socialite.

“We all know what kind of men socialites attract,” he said, adding, “They are losers who boast of the number not quality of relationships they've had or the number of women they've slept with. Don't be a statistic in those losers’ files.”

“By the way, you can always smell them a mile away,” he joked. “They look like me. They appear like life is good. They talk sleek, land deals, house there, car here. When they call to make an appointment they start to apologise for a delay. They will be like, ‘I’m here closing a deal.’”

I now hate my facebook posts. I want to delete them, one by one. Ras is little by little making me shun posting anything. I don't know what to post any more.

He calms me down by saying, “Naah. post basic stuff that will make guys wonder whether you are single or dating. Don't give off information on any side. Don't post pictures and caption them "Me and the gals” or “Awesome party” that screams single and desperate. You can achieve the same effect by letting your friends post the same picture and tagging yourself. Another thing: Quit selfies. They're for frustrated lonely and desperate women. But it’s okay to be in a group selfie.

“Do not dress seductively and don’t ignore the chaps in your office, dress nicely for them too, and wear reasonable make-up, not like a corpse. Dump mascara unless it's Halloween. Those chaps at your work place may not be "the class" you are looking for but they could know a good guy who could be Mr Y.

“Also quit using those monosyllables. They suggest you are not interested in the conversation or busy. You do not have to change your whatsapp profile pictures daily; it doesn't add value but attracts unnecessary attention. Only single and desperate people change their profile pictures often, thus they scare potential suitors because they appear hysterical.”
I am loving and hating Ras’ advice.