Heart to Heart

My girlfriend is afraid of intimacy

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Posted  Thursday, July 10  2014 at  01:00

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am really having a bad time and I feel depressed because I have failed to make love to my girlfriend. The thing is she was a virgin when we met and the first time we slept together, she hurt a lot and the second time she said it did a little, so all the time we try, she complains of pain. I need help, what should I do to make this pleasurable instead of painful for us?
- Anonymous

Your solutions

I think I had the same problem with my virgin ex-girlfriend. The first and second time it hurt so much, but as time went on she got comfortable with it. What am I saying here, keep the ball rolling, she will be fine as time goes by.

What is disturbing your sex life is the experience your girlfriend went through when you broke her virginity. In order for both of you to benefit, be gentle. You need to know that women enjoy sex after foreplay, so try to take it slow.

Dear Anonymous, you do not need to be depressed over this, because your situation is caused by many things. Try not to force your girlfriend during the process because if you do, both of you will never enjoy sex. Look at the state of your relationship, is it serious or you are just trying out things. Your girlfriend may not be seriously connected yet. Also, you need to prepare her mentally, otherwise if you rush, you will always hurt her. There are many books that can help you improve your sexual life. Also see a counsellor.
N. Ojambo

The question is, how many times have you had sex with her? Because personally, I remember when I broke my girl’s virginity, she felt a lot of pain and certainly she started getting uncomfortable. However, after some time she got over it and now we get intimate without much trouble. However if after some time your girlfriend’s pain fails to go, then it is likely she has a problem, so seek medical advice, basing on her sexual behaviour. I wish you the best.

This is the same thing any body can face. Please go to the doctor or specialist and find out about what may be causing this, he will surely help you.

Take it slow, she will gradually adapt. Make it a learning process for her.

Hello Anonymous, you need to see a doctor, because sex is not supposed to be painful. There may be an STD that could be causing her to feel pain. Candida, for instance, tends to cause pain during sex, so got get her checked.

Making love in a relationship is considered by many as crucial to cementing their love. Nevertheless, sex is a psychological feeling and if the mind is not properly tuned, someone may never enjoy it. First of all, you should be appreciative of having a girlfriend who is a virgin because that should give you assurance of her limited exposure. Therefore, you must bear with her, given the fact that it is you who broke her virginity and she hurt a lot. So try to psyche her, because penetration is not ideal at the moment. Try to arouse her first through more foreplay so as to increase emotional intimacy between the two of you. Therefore, do more of kissing, touching, embracing, flirting, talking, or even teasing before sex. And then, try to take things slow. She will get used.

Dear Anonymous, I understand your frustration. Sex on the first two times is painful, especially for the woman, but with time it should become better and painless. What she could be having is less lubrication, hence the pain. I encourage you to have enough time of fore play and you can also use lubricating creams to make her ready and able to enjoy. This is not a big issue, all you both need is to relax when having sex. Good luck.

Counsellor’s take > Hope N. Mwijuka, Healing Talk Counseling Services

Dear Anonymous, sex is meant to be enjoyed and that can only happen if the two people involved are truly and sincerely in love. I can’t know how it happened the first time you had it with her but most probably she was not ready for it or you did not prepare her well.

Sex starts from the mind and therefore if the mind is not well set, don’t expect any pleasure, especially for the woman. It’s known that men want sex like they want air to breath and because of this you may not find important to prepare your woman through foreplay.

My advice to you is that a relationship is not all about sex, but rather a combination of aspects like love, care, respect and patience. If you are good at all this, the lady will actually initiate sex herself and when that happens, make sure you are gentle and soft with her. She will enjoy sex if you are not rough with her and have prepared well before. Remember that is if the two of you are truly in love with each other. Wishing you all the best.

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