Thursday May 1 2014

My girlfriend is having an affair with my brother

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have been dating this girl for two years. She has met all my family members. Recently, I realised that she was having an affair with my elder brother. I am confused on what to do. Please advise me.
your solutions
Dear Dantex, how did you realise she was having an affair? Secondly did you introduce her to all of them as your future partner or you simply took her home – as a friend? If you had introduced her, then involve your family to further discuss the matter. Talk to your elder brother about it. Create an environment for him to explain, citing reasons why you say he has an affair with your girl. Alternatively, ask the girl about the whole issue. If all evidence shows it is indeed true, let her be since she knows exactly why she chose him over you. If you persist in wanting to have her despite all evidence provided, it will only cause you more pain.
Pr. Allan

My friend Dantex, I stand with you in this sorry situation. I know how much pain you must feel. This is a very serious situation, it is betrayal. Your girlfriend and your brother are very dangerous more than you think, because they can easily kill you to avoid shame. If your girlfriend did that with your relative, imagine what might happen with somebody else. She is not trustworthy and you don’t need to go further with her because your life might be in danger.
I think you should look for a better partner who will make you feel happy. I wish you the best. God bless you.
Andrew M

Dear Dantex, I know the dilemma you are in. However, I advise you not to conclude yet before finding out the truth. Take some time and think about it because if not handled properly, it may cause a rift between you and your brother. Let this girl go and advise your brother not to continue with this relationship. If one of you goes ahead and brings this girl home, she will cheat on you. Who knows, this lady could be a home/family breaker, and may be she has been doing this with other men. So avoid this before you damage your family. Also, forgive them both for your own good. Pray for each other, and God will give you and your brother very beautiful wives.

Women! We have weak hearts, and we don’t know what we want. Ask her why she’s in love with him.

Dantex, it is so unfortunate that your girlfriend is seeing your elder brother. However, from your explanation it seems you are not very sure whether it is true. You need to investigate beyond reasonable doubt before you think of what to do. Two years is a good time to build confidence in each other so it may not be wise to just leave somebody without discovering the truth. Discuss this issue with her and let her explain her story before you can call it quits. Otherwise if it’s true then this is an indication of someone without respect for you and your family. These are early signs of someone who may not be marriage material and if ignored, you may regret your decision later.
Robert Mugenyi, counsellor

I always advise people who are not sure where they are standing to stop standing and start walking. In this case you have to let go. It hurts but time heals wounds. NB: Be sure, or otherwise you might be relying on empty romours.

You can never lose something you never had. Be strong, life has to move on somehow. She was never yours after all.

Leave the girl and keep your brother. Blood is thicker than water.

Just forget about that girl. She is not meant for you, and the good thing is that it has happened when you are not married.

Blood is thicker than water. Your brother means a lot, so just quit, time heal everything. After all she is seeing your brother and not someone else.

Kindly leave her for your elder brother, after all he should marry first.

Sorry but you haven’t moved far with her so forget about that one. Even if you try to convince her, how will you share the same compound with your brother in future? That girl is no longer yours and she will not respect you. Remember not to separate with your brother because of a woman. You can always get another one, it’s not too late.

You should be happy that she has shown you her character before you married her. She is an immoral woman and no one wants such to be the mother of their children. Let her go as long as your suspicions are genuine. You will find a more deserving lady. Good luck.

It’s all about the girl’s choice to decide the one she loves. But Dantex , you should be ready for a disappointment because you might decide to leave her and yet she loved you. Be patient.

counsellor’s take :Betty Enyipu, psychologist Mukono University

Dear Dantex, by virtue of the fact that your girl is in another relationship, you have to amicably sort out issues with her. Because of the fact that she is having another affair with your brother, there is absolute break of trust between the two of you. You should take this into consideration because there could be a possibility of their relationship continuing. How sure are you that your relationship with her will go through? You need to think through and put things right with the girl and your brother.

Bottom line is that the level of your trust in the girl is already broken. You have to rethink and redirect your relationship with her because it has not been broken by an outsider, but someone from within your family. If your brother continues with this relationship and they get married, how will your relationship with your brother go on? If in the first place you were friends with your brother and were in good talking terms, it should give you the momentum and courage to approach him and talk.

And if it has not all been well with your brother, then you should consider involving a third party and talk over it. If possible, the indulgence of the girl on board as you talk to your brother is also an important factor. By this, they will all open up and express their opinion well.

Compiled by Roland D. Nasasira

Next week’s problem

Dear Heart to Heart, I met this man about two years ago. He asked me out and I turned down his advances. However, after insisting, I decided to go out with him, but with the hope that I would completely tell him off. We went to a nice place but he didn’t continue his pursuing. We just talked, shared jokes and had a good time - he was fun. He dropped me home and asked for another date. I like to go out with him but I don’t have feelings for him. He says he feels good and happy around me. Do you think keeping him around might give him false hope? I don’t want to completely lose him. What should I do? Please help!
- Vivienne