Heart to Heart

My in-law is friends with my ex

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Posted  Sunday, December 22  2013 at  02:00

Dear Counselor,
My brother’s fiancé is the best friend of a girl whom my boyfriend had a fling with some years ago. At that time, the girls were friends but my brother was not seriously dating the lady. I and she have always been cordial but now that my brother has a child with her and is planning to marry her we have grown close. My only issue is that her friend who may be her matron. I keep wondering how I will be able to tolerate this lady during this time or even her in future my sister in law’s life. I don’t want to have to tell her to choose but in all honesty I don’t life her friend. Who knows if she still wants my man and plans on seducing him as she is that kind of girl. Please advise on how to let my sister in -law can know and understand my feelings without having to make her choose. Juliet

You say the relationship that existed was “some years ago”. Probably there is nothing between them anymore. Are there any signs that cause you to worry? Even if there were why would you worry about that particular girl seducing your man? Even if she is not the one, your man can be seduced by any other woman. So my advice to you is to know how to love your man and ensure that you keep his heart to you and far away from any potential woman.

Dear Juliet
Ask yourself have I reached the level of total trust with my sister-in-law to be? It is only after establishing the level of your friendship that you can determine whether to talk about your deepest fears because her loyalty to her friend might be greater than it is to you. If you tell her of your concern towards her friend, you might just turn out to be the laughing stock of the two girls. Secondly, you cannot control who loves your boyfriend or not. The only power you have as his girlfriend is his loyalty to you but you cannot control or get rid of any girl that gets attracted to him. You are not even sure if the girl loves your boyfriend or not.

Dear Juliet
You should first find out whether the girl is interested in your boyfriend or not. you have a good source already; your brother’s fiancée. once you identify whether she is out to get him or not, then you can lay a strategy to totally get rid of her. Trying to break up the two friends is not advisable because their bond might be stronger than it is between your brother’s fiancée and you. Even when you find out she is attracted to your boyfriend, confronting her might not be the best option because then you give her relevance and a reason to push on. Plan carefully for her exist no matter how slow it might be.

counsellor’s take

Just as the relationship is mixed up and rather complicated, this in itself is a complex situation . However this is my opinion. You may not have much influence over their relationship but I feel you may have to deal with your feelings for this friend of yours. You may learn to put up with her and see how far it goes. A lot will depend on how close you are with your brother’s fiancé and with how your boyfriend treats the girl in his past.

If possible you could find an opportunity to talk about it with your boy friend that is if he is still the very one. Just in case he is a new boy friend, and you are concerned about the past behavior of the lady, then you may try get an opportune moment to talk about it with her. However, much as you may put the blame on the lady but I also want you to know that your boy friend had the capacity not to engage in another relationship. Thanks
Uncle Joe

Joseph Musaalo is a Psychologist at Friend’s Poly Clinic.
Have you got a problem you would like Uncle Joe’s advice on? Send a message to him on, jmusaalo2012@gmail.com/ 256712814768/256702814768.

Would you drop a matron or best man who is dating your Ex?

“ I would drop her because it is wrong to fall in love with girlfriends’ ex-boyfriends. Keeping her will mean bringing back the memories. That shows disrespect, you pretty much know that I once loved that man, why fall in love with him, get someone else. “
Rosario Achola, journalist

“ No, even if she falls in love with my brother, I wouldn’t really bother. This is just my best man, why interfere with his life. I mean, he got her after me and probably he did not even know about my relationship with her. There is no problem with that.“
Chris Atukwasize, cartoonist

“ No I wouldn’t, that is none of my business. I once loved her, so what if it is my best man with her. I moved on, I am now getting married, so I don’t care about what happens in her life and I am not even concerned about who she dates.“
Linus Nsibambi, website designer

“ I do not dig into my past, but for the sake of having a clean friendship with my matron, I would drop her. We are all humans who feel a pinch of jealously and I wouldn’t want to get it on my big day. “
Tindichebwa Mustafa, comedian

“ I would not drop her, why should I? She is my friend or ever sister, I have been with her more than I was with the ex. My relationship with him is now history, I moved on and I guess with a better man who I am getting married too. Why engage in fights.
Cynthia Zaninka, PRO Fireworks Advertising Agency