Thursday January 30 2014

My married lover has threatened to hurt me

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am in love with a married man, but his wife recently came to know about it and she knows who I am. I feel terrible hurting people’s feelings, that is why I have chosen to play tricks on this man so that he can let go. The man has, however, promised to hurt me if I abandon him. He says I am the reason he is on good terms with his wife back home. I am determined to let go of the affair but it looks like my hands are tied. Please advise.
Name Withheld
Your solutions
Dear Name Withheld, if indeed you feel pain hurting other people’s feelings, you wouldn’t have loved a married man in the first place. What on earth is he thinking, saying by using you he is getting things better with his wife at home? Surprisingly you believe what he says. This is nonsense! This is an excuse to use you and this kind of man doesn’t deserve any woman. How can you really love a man who promises to hurt you when you leave him? Wake up girl! Don’t let his threats and your fear push you into the fire. The choice is yours. Your hands are not tied as you say, leave this man and cut off all possible connections with him immediately. If possible, apologise to his wife instead. You could be the reason things are messy with his wife. I also don’t understand what tricks you are using but just let them be. It’s not him to let go, it’s you. Determination doesn’t see obstacles, it sees a way through. If surely you are determined to let go, don’t say your hands are tied!
Pr Allan

A stitch in time saves nine. It appears you already have a solution but you have not taken action. The feeling you have about not wanting to hurt someone is enough to show you the way forward. Assuming it were you and your husband gets a side dish, how would you react? My advice is back off and find a single man to spend your time and life with, otherwise you are a problem in their marriage.
Bwambale M. Kiketha

Hahahahaha, mbu your hands are tied? You knew he was married when you started dating him and we all know you are not going to leave him now. Clearly he gives you something you need and you seem aware that he isn’t going to leave his wife. You are simply looking for people to give you reasons to stay and unfortunately I don’t have one to give you. You made a choice to date him, so you can choose to walk away. No one can make this choice for you. Be safe!

My dear, if he has started threatening to hurt you, that’s not a joke anymore. You should report him to the police and get a restraining order. That man might become dangerous. But does he even know that his wife found out? Also if you decide to move on, the man might make your new man’s life hell.

Of course they are bound to catch you. Just keep moving out with him if you still want him, but if you are ready to let go, then you should go but don’t be scared of the threats because that will definitely turn into a sour relationship.

Mnnnh! That’s the side effect of having an affair with a married person. If it were me, I would let go. He cannot hurt you in any way. Give him back what’s his and move on.

My dear, this case is beyond your control and you should involve the police. Tell them about the problem. You also must know that this man is using you. You should end this relationship.

Dear Anonymous, you have taken a good step by letting your conscience take control and let you know that being in love with a married man is not right. Whatever the threats from the man, simply brush them aside and leave him. Besides, he has assured you that the affair has made him and his wife happy, meaning you have no chance of ever making him your own. So, kindly cut off communication with him.

Madam, you made a choice, twakowa

I have no advice for such a situation…. But I see you are just guilty and confused.

Name Withheld, first of all you tied your own hands. That man is just threatening you. He has no right over you whatsoever, so don’t be shaken. The right thing to do is to quit that relationship at once.

Well, Name Withheld, from your letter, it sounds like you don’t want to let go of this man. However, the way you got together in that relationship, is the same way you can end it. Meet him and talk about it. If he threatens to hurt you, speak to authorities and his wife, since you know her and don’t want to hurt her. The same way he is using you to deviate from his wife, is the same way he will get tired of you and only call you up when he wants ‘some’. Remember you reap what you sow, so it’s time to sow good seeds and you will reap good fruits at the best harvesting season.

Dear Name Withheld, cut ties with that man. He is already threatening to harm you if you leave him, so what kind of relationship are you maintaining with him? He’s the only person benefitting from this relationship. If your hands are tied because he promises to hurt you, report to the police so that he knows how serious you are about leaving him. If it is because you are in love, surely his threats should help you fall out of love with him.

By the time somebody tells you that he is going to hurt you, it means that he does not see any value in you. To make matters worse, he said you are the reason he is good terms with his wife. Clearly, you are just a play thing to him and like all children, a new toy is precious until he gets used to it and throws it away for another newer one. Let this man go. If he does not hurt you, his wife will. Remember, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’’

I think you have made a wise and tough decision to leave him. I suggest you try and talk to that man and let him see why you have to let him go and if he continues to harass you, then speak to an authority you know can be able to help you. You may also file a statement at police and get him a restraining order, if this can be done in Uganda.

Counsellor’s take :Jean K Nuwagaba, Care Counselling Centre

It is a good thing that you are determined to let go of the affair. You should know that it is an unhealthy relationship because he is promising to hurt you. Besides, you are the man’s mistress, meaning that your relationship with him is not legitimate. Take that threat seriously because such a man can do anything to you. You could confide in a trusted friend or seek police protection.

Meeting or calling him up in order to break up may not be such a good idea. What you can do is try as much as possible to avoid him. When he makes appearances at your workplace, make the appointments official so that he does not cause a scene. In case he makes random visits to your home, you may talk to him but never let him inside the house. If you are still scared about him making abrupt visits to your home, invite another person to stay over.

At times even after breaking up with someone, temptations may arise either to call or visit him. Try as much as possible not to do either because the affair will start all over again and it will be hard for you to stop it. Keep yourself occupied, for instance by visiting friends or reading books so that your attention is diverted from him. Once you have made peace with yourself and you feel that it is necessary to apologise to the man’s wife, go ahead. However, before you do this, analyse her character.

This is because her personality will determine her reaction. One thing you should always remember is to never get involved with a married man. You will be digging an early grave for yourself.

Next week’s problem

Dear Heart to Heart, I have been living with my boyfriend for the last two years. I love Morris so much but his violent habit is becoming too much. He picks up fights over small things like when I receive a phone call from a male friend, or even my relatives whom he has met. He hates it when I visit or host friends in our house. He is two years older than me and he loves me too much.

Truth is beneath the possessiveness and bad temper is a man I see as a potential father and caring husband. He provides, cooks and spoils me on the good days. I could tolerate him but last week’s incidents got me thinking. I returned home at about 9pm and found him bitter. He ignored my explanation for returning late and started slapping me, got the clothes I had just bought and set them ablaze. The worst part was when he got a razor and cut my braids because “he gave me the money to plait my hair”. I love him but I fear it could get worse. Please help.
- Goretti