Dear Heart to Heart, I married Joan traditionally a year ago. Like any other marriage, I expected children, but to date, there are no signs. I was eager to have a child and we had decided to have one in the first year. In our seventh month, I got concerned and discussed it with my wife. She told me it was too early to conceive and that she was on family planning pills. I respected her decision. Six months later, Joan told me she was pregnant. Life was better now, I felt like a husband. However, four months later, I heard rumours that I was not responsible for the pregnancy because I was impotent. I sought a health examination and it was true. It’s now a month since I discovered that I am impotent and not the father to my unborn baby but I have not told my wife yet and I am totally confused about what to do. I have lost focus. I love my wife so much but she cheated and lied to me. Perhaps I am to blame for not being able to make her pregnant.
Dear Mathew, children are a gift from God. You need to patiently wait upon God because there is still hope that you can make your wife pregnant. Hold high your expectations for a child and if you believe in God, you will father your own. Pray about it always and seek spiritual counselling from trusted religious leaders. Secondly, why would your wife decide to take pills without your consent? In marriage, couples share information or ideas. It means your communication is also poor as a couple –work on it now. There is also a possibility that someone is spreading the rumours to separate you from each other. Wait until the child is born and go for a DNA test.
Alternatively, talk to her about the pregnancy – specifically why you think its source is questionable. Thirdly, don’t blame yourself for being impotent. You didn’t create yourself - God did! Talk to God about your situation to seek his intervention. In the Bible we read about a lot of couples who were barren, until God intervened and opened their wombs. If your wife is faithful, you can opt for adoption. Lastly, don’t translate the “too much love” into “too much hate” if she admits she cheated on you. Forgive her even when she doesn’t confess the truth. You can bear with childlessness but not unforgiveness. Marriage is about forgiveness, reconciliation, patience, endurance, trust, commitment, faithfulness, companionship, and above all, LOVE!! However, if you find her unfaithful again, let her be.
Dear Mathew, you need to be cautious about people who spread rumours because they have the ability to break homes and relationships. How true is the claim that your wife cheated on you? How qualified is the specialist who worked on you?
Take note of the following:
1. Do not always draw conclusions from baseless rumours unless you have concrete evidence.
2. Always visit competent, experienced and faithful specialists who will tell you the right thing.
3. Seek guidance from a qualified counsellor.
4. Pray to God because nothing is impossible. Abraham and Sarah had a son, Isaac, while very old .
Dear Matthew, you are in a big dilemma. Your problem seems too big but it is very small in the eyes of God! And I trust that He alone can solve this puzzle for you. However, I believe you have no short cut but to discuss this matter with your wife, but do so in love. I would also encourage you to seek another test from a different doctor before going into discussions with your wife. You can involve your best man and lady of honour and/or your religious leader for this discussion.
Matthew, just open up to your wife so that you come to a conclusion. You can’t reverse her pregnancy. Sorry.
My dear, that is what they call betrayal. Did someone need to remind your wife, for better for or worse? She went behind your back and slept with another man. And if you get the facts on the claims, my advice. Leave, lest history repeats itself.
Mathew, I think you should sit down with your wife and talk honestly about the issue. You should also make up your mind on whether you want to raise another person’s child as your own. And that decision can be informed by whether your woman is still committed to the marriage or not.
Dear Mathew, it is good that you love your wife. Love heals so many wounds and helps hearts cross many boundaries. And if you really love her like you say you do, please sit her down, probably in a romantic setting after you and her have had an intimate session, and explain your situation, then ask for the truth. Only the truth will set her free. In this case, it is obvious that Joan knows your situation but she is not willing to tell you. I suspect that she got pregnant in good faith, as a way of making you happy and saving the marriage in the long run. Maybe in future you can adopt a baby and seek advice from a senior counsellor on the issue.
Mathew, have you for sure found out that there is no remedy for impotence? In my case, I don’t see a problem with what your wife did. Stop complicating things and accept the child as your own because afterall, you don’t mention whether you know the father of the child.
counsellor’s take : David Kavuma, psychologist Mild May Uganda
Dear Matthew, that is a difficult position. If you have been on good terms with Joan, you should engage her so that you hear her view. You say you love her and you might be interested in progressing with the relationship. Before you accuse Joan of cheating on you, first find out which kind of impotence you have. There are different levels of impotence. Some can be dealt with medically, with counselling or herbal means. You cannot be 100 per cent sure that you are innocent until you confirm with experts.
After talking to your wife about the situation and what you discovered, then you will find out whether she is interested in supporting you or not. If she is willing to support you, then you can go to the doctor together for confirmatory tests. Joan might still be willing to support you and accept you as her husband. Since the levels of impotence vary, then you cannot be fully certain the child she is carrying is someone else’s.
The answer to her cheating on you can be a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. Talk to your wife to get her side of the story and together you can agree on a way forward. Even if she is not willing to stay with you, do go for the tests to confirm whether your impotence can be reversed or not.
Next week’s problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have been struggling to get this off my chest but it looks like things are getting serious. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he seems to have become comfortable, considering he is already talking marriage. Problem though is, at 25 I feel I am still too young to settle down. Every time he talks about marriage, I try to divert the discussion. I am worried that if I tell him how I feel, he will leave me, yet I still like him. He already has set dates in his head. What can I do?