Heart to Heart
Questions from the past
Posted Thursday, January 14 2016 at 02:00
HARD TALK. Relationships should be enjoyed by both parties. Smiling on that date but with doubt of your partner’s past affairs is no sign of a lasting relationship, writes Racheal Irene Nalubega.
Often, when we find new love, we need to find out more about our partner’s past relationships and family.
There are questions we tend to over look when a new love blossoms for fear of ruining the relationship or even worse the answers you get could make you rethink the stories you told your friends about your partner during a night out.
You do not want to be so inquisitive because this could scare your partner away nor do you want to become a detective or even stalk your partner’s former girlfriend in search of answers.
Yvonne Nakimbugwe has contemplated asking her partner intimate questions such as ‘was your ex better than me in bed?’, ‘do you love your ex better than me?’, but the guts to ask is still an issue. She feels these questions will enable her know what baggage she is to carry and know if she can handle it before it is too late.
Rehma Katusiime also says she has pending questions she wishes to ask her partner but she feels uncomfortable because they are about his past. She has resorted to searching for information about his past partners on social media. She has tried facebook so far and this made her realise that her boyfriend was not afraid to make public his feeling for the now ex, yet he is hesitant to do the same for her. Her new relationship is now in doubt.
Most times, some questions asked are about what has happened to partners in their previous relationships so as to make sure the problem does not resurface or even go in for such baggage again.
Samuel Mwanga says he forced his former girlfriend to have an abortion because they were not ready to take care of a child given their wanting financial status. After the abortion, she refrained from sexual activity again which led to their break up. When he entered a new relationship, he has been curious on knowing if his current partner has had an abortion for fear of going through the same stress he had with his former girlfriend but he has not got the courage to ask.
But Evelyn Lufafa, a counsellor at Ssubi Medical Centre, Kiira says it is not a must to know what happened with your partner’s past relationships.
But in order to build a strong foundation for your relationship, it is imperative, as partners, to address those issues that will later on create havoc.
“So it is necessary to create meaningful connections which are as a result of going deeper into what you want to know from your partner about their past.”
To keep these unanswered questions lingering in your brain will prevent you from trusting your partner yet for a successful relationship, trust is a vital element,” she says.
“Once you ask personal questions, you are at the mercy of the other person because it is up to them to lie or tell you the truth. However, if you give it time, you will be sure to get answers to your questions even without asking, for you will have studied your partner’s character which can be able to tell you what their past was like.”
Women disadvantaged ?
There is a risk you could lose interest in the relationship after getting to know uncomfortable details of your partner’s past. Thus, it is always necessary to first weigh and see if the answer is worth risking your relationship.
Lufafa adds, “most times it is women who are at a disadvantage when it comes to intimate questions like how many partners one has slept with in the past. An answer to such a question offends the man more, for men have an ego and the knowledge that a woman has slept with other guys before him is a turn off. Yet when it comes to women, they may not be offended with the number a guy may give as an answer.”
Lufafa, however, advises that though some questions may seem important but tricky, it is wise to determine the stage and kind of relationship you have, in order to address them.
For example, if the relationship is young, asking questions about sex may sound rude and inappropriate yet if the relationship has lasted for long, these questions would be comfortable to address.
What are the five questions you have always wanted to ask your partner about their past?
• Were all your exs, whatever the number, better than me?
• How have you always handled your misunderstandings?
• How many guys have you slept with?
•What are some of the things she has in common with her ex?
• How long does she wait before getting laid by her exs?
Isaac Shaka, public relations officer
• What are the most common misunderstandings that always led to his break ups?
• How many girls has he ever slept with?
• Is there any girl he has introduced his parents to?
• Has he ever been a player?
• Has he contracted an STD before?
Susan Nabacwa, teacher
• What is the craziest thing he has done with his exs?
• How many exs does he have?
• What does he regret doing with his ex?
• After how long did he sleep with his ex?
• Did his ex make an addition to his life, like change in religion?
Esther Asio, law student
• What was her ex’s income status?
• Did her family and friends know any of her exs?
• What job her ex held?
• Is her change in religion as an influence from one of her exs?
• The hangout places she suggests we go to, were they places she went to with any of her exs?
Timothy Male Busuulwa, law student
• Was his ex better than me in bed?
• Did you love any of your exs better than me?
• If your recent ex came back, would you take them back?
• Has he asked any of his exs to abort before?
• What is the highest number of girls he has played before?
Robbinah Najjemba, social worker