Relationship woes: Who do you ask for advice?

What you need to know:

  • The first relationship advice you would probably get from a counsellor when having issues in your relationship is to improve on your communication with one another to be able to settle whatever might be in your way.
  • It is rare to find a parent who wishes ill for their offspring.
  • When it comes to relationship disagreements, guardians usually will offer advice based on their experience.

Most adults spend the major part of their lives in an intimate relationship. Such relationships can be very satisfying, they protect us from loneliness and they have a positive effect upon our physical and mental health. They are also a great foundation for the successful care and upbringing of children. However, it is not all plain sailing.
Everyday problems such as financial pressures, bringing up children, sexual and emotional problems, issues of fidelity can cause seemingly unbearable pressure on romantic relationships. Some people have lately resorted to using social media platforms such as Facebook groups. Due to the diversity of opinions, many end up ruining their relationships.
Not to despair, here are some helpful tips from experts.

Professional help
Seeking the help of a counsellor is the ideal choice in case of relationship dilemmas, unfortunately due to ignorance about counselling, few people will consider it.
Dr Ruth Senyonyi, a counselling psychologist and former president of Uganda Counselling Association, explains that professional counselling is a process in which a trained counsellor helps and empowers an individual, groups of individuals or family members to gain self-understanding and understanding of others in order to face and solve problems more effectively.
“People are faced with difficulties, frustrations and concerns that overwhelm them so a counsellor’s role is to help the individual or families to work through the anxieties and lead them to make decisions for safety and empowerment,” Senyonyi says.

She adds that families across the world are becoming more dysfunctional with an increase in separation and divorce rates because the family support that most people used to rely on has disintegrated and most people spend a lot of time away from each other, thus affecting the bonding nature in relationships and increasing conflicts in marriages and family life.
Senyonyi further says some of these “normal’ people just need a listening ear of a professional counsellor, while others need help to make firm and difficult decisions. Sometimes others are given chance to reconcile using appropriate theoretical approaches that are not aimed at being judgmental which nonprofessional counsellors would not be able to offer.

Family intervention
It is rare to find a parent who wishes ill for their offspring. When it comes to relationship disagreements, guardians usually will offer advice based on their experience.
Relatives such as aunties or rational siblings can also be consulted since they are easier to talk to. This is one of the reasons why some cultures uphold the role of aunts.
Mastulah Nalweyiso, 52, emphasises the need for married couples to consult family members, especially aunties who played a role in the giveaway rites. She believes such people are objective and usually give sound advice.
“Aunties are best suited but one should consider the relationship they have with that person, their maturity, among others, before sharing their problems,” Nalweyiso says.

Other married friends
What works in one relationship may not work for you but certainly different experiences are good.
Getting an example or advice from friends, probably those that have been married for a while, would certainly be of help instead of a single person who may not be aware of the hurdles of keeping a relationship moving.
Joseph Kiberu, a freelance counsellor, says the beauty about talking to a genuine friend in a relationship is that they understand you, know where you have come from with that particular partner and can easily relate to your problems.
“When it comes to seeking advice from friends, you have to be careful because some of them tend to be so sentimental that they will not rationally advise you. So, you need to make sure the friend you choose is one that never spares you a backlash when you need it,” Kiberu says.

Game plan
Seek out God. Just like in the movie “War Room” where a married woman has her marriage on the verge of extinction, she is taught by one of her elderly clients to seek God’s intervention which leads her to dedicating most of her time and energy in praying for her marriage.
Nicholas Kizito a senior pastor at Fear the Lord Raise church, Kagooma recommends prayer as a remedy for all life’s cares.
He adds, “it is said God helps those who help themselves. But I believe when you surrender everything to God, He will guide your paths and decisions because he is the overall decision maker and problem solver.”

Why some relationships fail to work out

Relationships fizzle out due to different reasons as explained by Joseph Kiberu a freelance counsellor below.
Trust issues
Trust is a strong factor in keeping a relationship vibrant and sustaining it. A couple that trusts each other will not be jealous over one another when they are hanging out or relating with people of the opposite sex.

Different expectations
If two people planning a future together have different expectations then the relationship is bound to break. Different expectations mean different goals which will only leave your relationship at crossroads so agreeing on a common goal is a sure way to facilitate growth in your relationship.

Alternating speeds at which
You both live life
What use will achieving your relationship goal be to both of you if you cannot be at the same pace when achieving it? Most couples think that leaving out the other when achieving relationship goals will help them to reach their end result quicker but instead, the partner being left out will be lost along the way.

Communication issues
The first relationship advice you would probably get from a counsellor when having issues in your relationship is to improve on your communication with one another to be able to settle whatever might be in your way.
However for the communication to be effective, it should be done in depth and a solution found or else the same issue might arise again.

Money issues
When there is money, issues of who pays the most bills, low self-esteem when one partner earns more arise. And when there is no money, the obvious ones of he does not care for me and depression arise so whichever way, money is indeed an issue.
If you are thinking of settling down together, issues of money need to be addressed to avoid ambiguities and unnecessary strife.