Sad past, no time, still hunting: Why are you single?

Tom “The Mith” Mayanja,
Hip-Hop artiste

The last time I was in a relationship was four years ago. It was good, we were having such a great time, and then suddenly, it wasn’t great anymore. The relationship lasted for three years.
I can’t point out anything in particular that I could say was the cause of the split. The relationship just run its course, and reached its end. I do plan on getting into another relationship, though. And I am working on it.

Commitments are good because they bring stability to your life generally. Not just in relationships, but in all aspects of your life, even your job.
As for marriage, I think people are still confused. People are getting married because of the pressure from society that one needs to be married at a particular point in their life. Instead of letting things come natural.
You find some people staying in relationships even when they are not exactly happy.

Frank Gashumba, Businessman
I was in a relationship about 10 years ago. Things didn’t work out well but the main reason the relationship crumbled was friendship groups. She relied a lot on her friends and at the end of the day, it became hard for us to deal with each other. I think the age element also caused some trouble. She was 20 and I was 22 when we met. Now she lives her life and I live mine. She is happy wherever she is.

Of course, I have dated some women but we last for a month and years and they turn out worse, so I decided to give relationships a rest. To get a woman who can understand you is like telling you to go and get a lion from the national park. It is the same case with the men. People will fall in love with you for what you have or what they can get from you.

I would love to find someone to live with for the rest of my life someday. I am not looking at a ring, but someone who shares similar values as me. Someone who will be concerned about how our children will be raised; a woman who will transform our family into the next generation. It doesn’t matter whether she is the most beautiful woman; she has to have values and character.
One scholar once said the things that disturb us the most are not the mistakes that we have made but the right things that we did for the wrong people. You love someone so much, care for her, but she doesn’t appreciate any of this. You’re building her future, but she is instead doing everything to frustrate your efforts.

I would love to be with someone who sits down and knows that I am engaged to Frank, and so will do the things that make Frank happy.
A typical Kampala girl respects a man that takes her to a night club every weekend not the one who can take her back to do a master’s degree.

Brenda Maraka,
Fashion designer

I am still single. I have and I am still working on setting myself up in business, and it has not been easy. The business takes up a lot of my time and so I have not had the time to be emotionally involved.

However, I do have plans to get into a relationship soon. I wouldn’t want to find myself in a polygamous relationship because I believe two is company, three is a crowd. It is not my cup of tea. I don’t have the time or energy to handle a relationship where there are more than two people involved.

I also wouldn’t want to cohabit because I am not in favour of the whole idea. I believe if someone wants to be with me, it has to be the whole nine yards. They have to pay the price. But most people today believe that’s not the way to go.

Phiona Bizzu, Former Miss Uganda

I have been single for the past three years. I think the main reason I have remained single is because most of my past relationships did not work out, and I decided to take a break. My past relationship failed to work because I was travelling to the United States for studies, and it became hard to keep the relationship. Our communication was on and off. So eventually we agreed to end the relationship.

After that, I never really bothered to get into another relationship. Even when I became Miss Uganda, a couple of men asked me out and took me out to dinners, but they all weren’t genuine.

I am not in any rush to get into a relationship right now. And you see the thing with relationships is that you don’t plan when you will get into one. It has to happen naturally. When you meet someone, you don’t know straight away that it will work out. You just give it your best and hope it works out. So that is why I can’t say that I have a specific plan on when I want to get into a relationship.

All I want in a relationship is a man who is genuine and someone who is honest. For me, being genuine is a big deal. That way, it is easy for me to love them, trust them and even feel comfortable with them because I am not holding back.

Ladies, stop driving the men away

Recently, I started hitting the bar and there, I have seen a lot of missed connections and hookups that lead to casual sex.
I have also seen and read women asking: “Why can’t I find a man?” “Good men are hard to find”. Well, it could be the quality of men they date. It also could be self-inflicted. The latter is difficult to hear from most women. A while back, I watched Boston’s Finest, an American reality TV series on TNT, which chronicles the daily operations of the Boston Police Department. One of the officers on the show was talking about her lack of a social life.
Later in the show, she went out with some friends to a speed dating event. The officer went on to insult most of the men she met. These were men with good jobs; firefighters, paralegals, etc. I couldn’t understand why she would do that, knowing that all she wanted was some love. I bet she wonders why she can’t get a man to take her out.
Together with Richard, one of my best friends, we came up with a list of things that might be keeping some women, chronically and perpetually single. It was mostly his list but I do agree with most of it. This list is not meant to be condescending and accusatory. We are just two young men giving a little advice based on personal experience.

Friends and family are poisoning you
Nothing makes a single man cringe, like a woman whose BFF (Best Friend Forever), mom or big sister take an active role in her dating life. Look, we want to date you, not your Facebook friends. No man wants to think about dating a woman who can’t take a dump without soliciting advice from the nearest member of the clique.
These people’s standards or desires are never aligned with yours. How many times has mom or BFF told you to stay away from a man who eventually turned out to be great (for someone else) or loved the alcoholic, habitual liar. Be a big girl. Make your own decisions.

Get out of your mom’s house
Look, we get it. Things are hard in Uganda right now. It is a rough economy, jobs are hard to come by, and plenty of men are still under mom’s roof too. But really, how is that going to work long-term? No man wants to be picking you up from your mom’s house like it is prom night. If you are not financially secure to have your own place, you are NOT ready to date.

Get in shape
We know, we know….we are shallow, misogynistic heathens. But guess what, we are men. We are visual creatures. We know what we like. For most of us, minus a small segment of chubby chasers, we don’t like Mega Bonus. It is what it is. You can’t realistically be pushing two spins and then wonder why the cute man in your neighbourhood, with the toned arms and flat stomach just doesn’t seem to be into you.

Tone down the God stuff, really
Hey, we know some of you ladies love Jesus, but he will be the only man in your life if we think we have to compete with him for your attention. This is a touchy subject and we know faith plays a big part in many of your lives.
However, if you go to church more than you go on dates then you are narrowing your pool of available men. We know for some of you that this is a deal breaker and we respect that. We also hope you enjoy your future dates with the introverted choir director.

Shut up and get off the phone
Women are social creatures. We understand your need to go on and on for hours about….nothing. However, like the rest of this list, we are telling you what a man is thinking when we see this kind of behaviour.
In this case, we are thinking: “Dear God, does she ever stop talking on the phone?” Much like our gripe with your friends, we want you to show the ability to disconnect from everyone and focus on us.

Get out of the club
Look, you are not at campus anymore. Being in a club four or five nights a week is not okay. No man wants a woman who will make him save the OC Traffic’s number on speed dial. There are many ways to meet men without dressing up like an extra from a Beyonce or Rihanna video and partying like it is 1999.

Your Facebook page is your worst enemy
In the social media age, nothing will tell the tale about you as a woman more than your Facebook page. Here are three things that are an immediate deal breaker with the fellas; If you have 300 pictures on your profile, and 299 of them are of you, you are basically telling Mr Right that you are the most important thing in your world. Secondly, put some clothes on. Thirdly, control your emotions.

Carry yourself like you actually like men
Attitude is everything. The last thing a man wants to add to his life is a woman who is mean, combative or bitter. If you have unresolved issues, get counselling. A man is not a punching bag or psychologist. So many ladies out there have taken the “bad gal” attitude. Some men may gravitate to that for a one night fling, most avoid it for legal reasons... just saying.

Know your role
One of the primary reasons the men will put you on waivers is because the woman cannot or will not play her position. I don’t mean be submissive or look the other way if he is being shady. Be a friend if he wants a friend, a great lover if that’s what he wants, be a girlfriend if it is the right thing to do.
Nothing will get you put into the black file faster than demanding or taking privileges designed for someone you are not. If you are not his girlfriend, why are you checking his phone or asking where he was last night? Earn his trust and admiration before you earn his ire.

Tone down your expectations
Finally, let’s be honest. Lots of men out there are not dogs and are not the same. However, just like your flawed self, men have imperfections that can change over time; maybe they won’t. But for you to demand that Mr Right should be running a top-100 company, have a heavy bank balance and makes your mother giggle is just downright silly. Be realistic about your wants. Everybody has likes and dislikes, it’s human.

But when you create unrealistic and bizarre barriers, you are only narrowing the pool of candidates. That man who works for KCCA sanitation department may not be the best option, but he is an option and I’ll guarantee you he will take you somewhere nice every year if you stick with him and build something together.

James Peterson, presenter “K-Drive” on 93.3KFM
Monday-Friday 4pm-7pm