She cheated and gave birth to another man’s child

Dear Heart to Heart, My girlfriend and I have been dating for the last five years. We lived in Mbale but a year ago she got a job in Kampala and had to relocate. In due course, she cheated on me with a workmate and conceived. She fell ill and travelled back to Mbale to receive treatment and not knowing that she was already pregnant, I had sex with her. She gave birth to a baby boy and I was happy to be a father only to discover with time that the child is not mine. We went separate ways but she is begging for forgiveness, saying she wants to start a family with me. Should I forgive her? Anonymous

David Lubega. It is absurd when a partner cheats, be it for love or for convenience. But it is hopeless for any man to think his girlfriend not even wife, will stick to them after landing greener pastures moreover far away from home. This is demanding too much. Either you had to let her get a job near you, or get more committed or relocate, but remaining far was wrong. You seem to over simplify life, but marrying or settling with a girl who mothered a child with another man still living, while in a relationship with you, is rather twisted. What exactly do you want, another baby from her, conquering her, love or have you failed to find another woman? Your heart seems divided and you will always refer to this incident. Sit down with her, each presents their manifesto and agree on the way forward. However, you should not put her needs above yours.

Marylyn Alaso. Where is the father of the child and what is the status of their relationship? And how many other men was she having unprotected sex with while she was still with you? Ascertain that before you make a decision. Otherwise, she could be the kind of woman who juggles multiple men. Is that the kind of woman you want to start a family with?

Alfred Avuni. She used contraception for five years because she did not want you as the father of her children. She will do the same and you will be left to take care of other people’s children. Wake up man.

Noor Tibadiba. True love conquers all. It should not be conditional, afterall she came back to you. This is what most people would be saying if the reverse was true. Let us not have double standards.

TR Ogwalz. If she truly loved you, she would not have cheated on you after five years in a relationship. This means you are too good for her and should move on and find someone who will love you. Let her start a family with the father of her child because she chose him over you.

Mukasa Ali. What is wrong with you. The woman left you and even had a baby with another man, something she did not do with you after five years. Leave the young lady to plan for her future.

Nampa Patience Natie. If you have accepted her apologies and feel she is worth a second chance despite her having a baby with another man, then please go ahead with your relationship. However, if you are not willing to accept her son as yours then call it quits.

Mbabazi Denise Rubby. Dating for five years? You should be the one apologising to her because you pushed her to cheat. Go and ask for forgiveness from her and marry her immediately and make sure you love her child as your own.

Moses Opolot. Like the saying goes, the first catch is the deepest. If you truly love her, set your own conditions such as testing for HIV and other infections and caution her on the consequences of being unfaithful again.

Sulima Yala. She might not cheat on you again but she is cheating on the father of her child. Leave her alone.

Tebajjukira Erisa. The same way she came from Kampala to Mbale with another man’s pregnancy and you unknowingly welcomed her in, is the exact way she is going to come in with a second pregnancy. You are better off leaving her.

Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. She is not reliable. Five years of dating and she runs off with another man in few months? I always tells women to never allow or let a new man destroy your marriage or relationship that you have worked hard to sustain for as long as five years.

Arop Emmanuel Kiiza. Almost 90 per cent of couples cheat, and am sure there is a woman you have been cheating with as well. Examine yourself and decide what you want to do.

Makolome Pius Wallace. Please move on or else you will remain miserable forever especially if it is something like cheating that you cannot easily forget.

Fred Daniels. If she had the audacity to cheat on you before, she will certainly do it again.

counsellor’s say
Stephen Langa, counsellor at Family Life network

You must be willing to accept her and the child

Dear anonymous, you seem to be in a dilemma but it is important for you to note that your girlfriend was open enough to tell you that the child was not yours. Another person would just keep quiet so that you find out on your own.
You may not necessarily get into the details of what happened when she left you. If she says she wants to start a family with you, it means she has learnt from her mistakes and is willing to change for the better. If you still love her, you can forgive her and take her in. The process, however, is long and requires mature decision making.
You must be willing to accept that she gave birth and the possibility of living with the child she bore to the workmate. You should be able to live freely with her and not hold anything against her.
You should then make commitment by marrying her to be sure and strengthen trust for each other. Five years was quiet a long time. If you were married before she came to Kampala, maybe shewould not have cheated because there would be a bigger bond than just dating or staying together.