Thursday April 3 2014

She left me, got a child and now wants marriage

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am 32. I was dating a girl at campus, but after school, she left me on grounds that I was poor. On her graduation day she was with someone she had been dating. As time went by, her relationship did not go well for her and she often called me and I was there to console her. She met another person, who also dumped her on grounds that she was too money-minded. After a while without communicating, I learnt that she had given birth. One time we met in town and she told me how she wanted me back but she was not sure I would take her back with a baby. I accepted and within two weeks, we started staying together. What hurts is that she told me she will not give birth to my child unless I marry her officially. I need a baby badly and if she doesn’t give me one, I will leave her. However, I feel sorry for her and the baby.
- Kats.

your solutions
Dear Kats, it is unfortunate you rushed into this relationship. How could you accept a person you just met in town and within two weeks she became your mate, is it real my brother? There is a senario here because this lady is using you as her last resort or a dumping ground where she only goes after failing elsewhere. Kats, I don’t see this relationship grow because it seems you don’t know what you want. You are desperate. The lady has become your master, she is your controller and decision maker. Do you know where she has been all this long? Well, this is a serious issue do not relax, otherwise if I am not mistaken, your lady has other men given her background. She has asked for marriage with strings attached, then she will ask for another thing and then she will leave you like before. Wake up my brother because she is confusing you. Seek guidance, be cautious and pray harder.
N. Ojambo

Hullo Kats, it is indisputable that you love that woman despite her baggage. The fact that after your break up you kept in touch and listened to her then took her back, is no surprise that she knows your soft spot for her. Thus, your threats to leave seem empty. If you feel for the baby, sit the woman down and give her a piece of your mind and get her reaction. It could be that she has complications when it comes to having babies. Follow your heart and let go.

My honest opinion Kats, leave that girl because it seems you love her more than she loves you. I feel sorry for you, because truth is, you will be hurt again, even if you ended up marrying her. You seem so desperate to have a child yet she thinks you may dump her after having that child. That’s why she probably wants to first tie the knot as a sign of commitment.

Dear Kats, it is wrong to be with someone out of pity because eventually the pity will wear off. Having a child with her won’t help. Ask yourself if you love her or simply pity her. If it’s love, marry her. But if it’s pity, you don’t have to be her man to help her. Leaving won’t stop you from helping her. Also despite her terrible past, she deserves a second chance, so don’t ridicule her for failing to give you a child before marriage.
Kats, as a matter of fact, if she left you because you were poor and had a relationship that didn’t work out, you have to know for a fact that she got back to you because you were desperate and so was she. Don’t settle for less. You have to be man enough and make your own rules if you desperately love her.

Kats, you don’t marry out of pity for someone but out of love. It is clear the love to you is a last resort rather than a first choice. If you love her, then you should take her as she is. You should not seek to change her ways but adjust to what will keep the both of you happy. Otherwise, what have you been doing all this time when she was out of your life?

Kats my dear, why suffer at your age? You seem to be carrying a heavy burden and yet you can’t seem to see that. That woman is only using you. You don’t say if you are better off now, but it looks like her request for marriage is so she can tie you down forever.


counsellor’s take:
Winfred Namusoke Bababale, Hope in Life Counselling Services

Dear Kats, first of all it is typical for many campus girl to always despise someone who is not financially stable. When she graduated from campus, she got to know how life out there is hard. She definitely must have learnt one or two lessons here and there, which forced her to come back running to you.
It is obvious that she feels safe with you. That is why she told you everything about her past relationships and the problems she went through, which is a good thing because she has been honest and open with you.
Now you must understand that due to her experience from past relationships, she has paranoia of getting another child out of marriage. So if you are really desperate to have a child with her, please sit her down and talk to her. You should be able to come to an agreement of sorts. But the most important thing is to understand each other.

Compiled by Emmy Omongin