Should friends help choose a spouse for you?

We all have different tastes about the kind of partner we wish to have. When you choose to love someone, there are particular values you look out for; honesty, respect, Godliness, hygiene, etc.
Friends are very important people in our lives and many times we trust them with most of our top secrets and sometimes we may rely on them when we are faced with a decision to date someone. However, should our friends influence the type of partners we choose?
If your partner has some unbecoming behaviour, there are friends who will not tell you directly and instead will talk about it behind your back. These may probably just be worried that you are already in too deep and may not take it well, while some of them do it scornfully.
“When you fall in love, it is a choice you have made but when you think about the type of partner you got and the type your friends wish you to have, then you will sometimes have to choose between your friends and the new partner,” says Evelyn Lufafa, a counsellor at Suubi Medical Centre.

Why not tell?
But why wouldn’t a good friend come out openly and say that you deserve better or that something about the object of your affection needs to be checked?
According to Ali Male, a counsellor at the Counselling Association of Uganda, friends may complain about your partner’s age, class, level of education and character but when you get into a relationship, it is important to keep committed so that you do not lower your self-esteem or seem like a person who can never be trusted.
“If they are genuine friends, they should communicate on principle and not interest. Back biting you will mean they are dormant communicators and will not have helped you. If they hold anything against your partner, they should come out and boldly tell you,” says Male.
When genuine friends have a complaint against your partner, you must know there is a reason and this may be a wake-up call not to be ignored.
“If you think your friends are not being genuine, depending on the stage your love is, consider the reasons why you fell in love with your partner. For reasons such as nationality and logic, your friend’s complaints may not mean a lot to you and know what your ultimate goal is.”
Male adds that, “bearing with positive or negative influence from friends about the type of partner you choose is rather a difficult decision that requires you to set boundaries beyond which friends should not cross.”
Communication, according to Male, is the most important key and this will help you overcome most of the challenges. “When you find this partner, introduce him or her to your friends or religious leader,” he says.
“Naturally, friends have similar likes to us. It is therefore very common for them to speak ill about our partners but in the end some of them may take the partner for themselves,” says Lufafa.
She warns that one should never ask for an opinion about their partner from a peer because it may not be genuine. “It is hard to get a genuine comment from a peer. When you get a partner, your friends will fear that you will not have time for them so they may speak ill about them so you stay with them.”
Genuine and independent opinions about our partners can be got from people who are not in our circles as well as doing enough background check about the partners’ friends on a personal basis.
Lufafa says: “In most cases, when we get opinions from our friends, we may take it as gospel truth and break up with the partners yet they could be lies. If you want to get a genuine opinion, ask a person who is distant and has no close ties with you or your partner.”
She also warns not to go with close friends for dates because friends may develop admiration for the same partner you have and they end up ‘stealing’ him or her.
“Some friends are predictable. Introduce your partner to your friends but never take friends with you when you go for a date. So many relationships have been broken by friends and the friends have instead taken on those partners whom they spoke ill of initially,” Lufafa says.

WOULD YOU CONSULT FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR PARTNER?

“It depends on the type of friend. If she is genuine, I would pick advice from her even before my family or partner but if she is a selfish one, then I can just take a sole decision,”
Angela Nakawuka, single, accountant

“Once you let friends have a say in your relationship, they will also have the tactics to ruin your relationship and steal your man. I can never ask for their opinion because it does not matter,”
Joan Namayega, teacher, in a relationship

“I never even think about it. I should see, study and evaluate my partner on my own. I cannot ask for an opinion from friends because they can never be genuine,”
Griffin Lule, married, businessman

“I would not let friends influence me because their opinion does not matter. I would just pray to God because a good wife or husband comes from God no matter what friends say,”
Mark Mugambwa, married, self employed

“Choosing a life partner is no joke. Therefore, I take it upon myself to make wise decisions and stay committed to him irrespective of what friends say. It is my life, not theirs,”
Suzan Hope Ndagire, married, secretary

“I respect friends but when it comes to relationships, they should have a limit. I do not want to get opinions from them about my partner because she is mine alone,”
Joseph Kajubi, married, teacher