Should you remain friends or foes with your Ex?

Ronnie Habasa and Jackie Lumbasi

What you need to know:

Lovers to friends? The sparks between you two seem to be no more, you probably have moved on and started a new chapter in your life. So, what happens with your old flame? Do you totally write them off to maintain a drama-free relationship with your new beau? Or do you simply call a truce and sign a friendship deal, albeit with terms and conditions attached? Olive Eyotaru spoke to radio personalities Jackie Lumbasi and Ronnie Habasa.

Ronnie Habasa


What is your view on keeping in communication with your ex?
I cannot give you a yes or no answer but I can tackle it on a case by case basis.
Case 1: If all three parties involved, meaning the ex, you and the current significant other, are mature about it so that none of you feels insecure about communication, then it is okay.
Case 2: You dated someone and maybe you came to a mutual understanding that it won’t work, in a case where you didn’t slam the door in his/her face but simply closed the door and said goodbye, people like that of sound mind can be able to maintain the relationship, they can be able to keep in touch.

And what incidences would compel one to halt communication?
This is the other case. Should the significant other in your life, for one reason or the other, feel threatened, then in all honesty, to protect them, you need to sever off ties with the ex. Let them know that I am sorry, it is over between us and I am now moving forward.
For those at the workplace, you may not change jobs or ask the boss to fire them. It is best to keep the relationship as formal as possible. Stick to emails and sending work reports.

Have you been in such a situation before?
No comment…

There is a school of thought that believes keeping the communication link could lead to a rebound. Do you think that is possible?
It is very challenging in a sense that you will get to a place where you are having trouble with your significant other. Chaos begins where you start to run to your ex for solace and start telling her what your partner did. Then you compare how Jane handled the situation and how Mary would have done so. Before you know it, an emotional boundary is extended, and then it is followed by the physical boundary. One thing leads to another and before you know it, it is back to square one. The rebound!

But do you think that it is easier said than done?
(Stern face) I mean there is no two-way about it. If you still have feelings attached, and yet you are committed elsewhere, that is the worst place you want to be. You can’t have your cake and eat it at the same time.
There is a proverb I read somewhere that you can’t lick honey once. You lick once and want more until the jar is empty. So in cases like that, like the way Joseph in the Bible left his coat behind, run. Even the Bible says, “Flee any form of sexual immorality”.
In cases like that, if you have to lose the job, do it. If you have to delete that number, get off WhatsApp or change your Facebook profile, do what you have to do. But you cannot be in between; no room for a grey area. It is either, or.

So are you in agreement that this kind of communication is bound to cause “World War 3”?
If you are on the weaker side, you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to stop it. He is asking you out on a date; decline and go out with your current beau.
If you are not committed and you feel alright, not against your better judgement, then you may walk in with all your eyes and tentacles up. But if you are committed elsewhere, a threesome is troublesome.

For purposes of respect and maintaining your relationship, wouldn’t it be wise to cut ties?
Depending on how mature and how healthy that relationship was, you might still be able to maintain a fairly formal relationship. I know people who are friends with the ex and spouse, and are happy to go to a party together because they have grown out of the probably campus relationship.
But in as much as you are still in the fresh area, stay away until you are totally healed. Otherwise, you start to compare; 80-20 rule and feel…aaah…I am missing out on that 20 per cent out there and in the end, it is heartbreak again.

Bottom line?
If you are committed elsewhere and you have an ex,-we all have people in our past but because we are currently committed, we cut those ties and focus on what we have.

Jackie Lumbasi

What is your view on keeping in communication with your ex?
I believe it is okay. Fine, in the beginning, you might decide not to communicate because you are trying to heal. You have been with this person for years and it has come to an end, honestly, to deal with it, you cease to communicate but when the healing process is over, you will definitely cross paths.

How would you halt communication?
In the beginning, desist from making all forms of communication. Do not send emails or have physical contact. If it is possible, stay away from their relatives and friends. When you are in the process of healing, you would not want anything to interfere in the process.
If it is at a workplace, be bold and resign. If your healing process entails you to resign, do it. You would not want to see your ex with another girl, doing the same things you used to do.

Have you been in such a situation before?
Hahaha… I remember there was someone I really loved. When it was over, I hated him so much that I decided we should not meet or talk. But things change as you grow older. (Smiles).

There is a school of thought that believes keeping the communication link could lead to a rebound. Is that possible?
(Pauses for a few seconds) For some people, yeah. But I am the type who ends forever. Whether I knew you for a week or a month or years, I do not do a rebound. In that case, communication with my ex will not change anything.
If you know you are weak, trust me, this will happen. We have heard people say they do not trust women with their exes and vice versa. We have such fears probably because of history but I belong to the group of people that will say it is possible to forget that anything ever happened; forget and forgive each other and start to look at them as brother or sister.

But that is easier said than done.
Let me tell you, once the healing is over, there is nothing like my ex. If it is Richard, he is just Richard and I will talk to him or go for lunch with him like any other friend. Fine you could remind yourselves of some of the things you shared, but because you are fully healed, you will realise that you both moved on. We are together but forget about anything else.
Draw a clear line, period! As long as there is a speck of affection, it becomes tricky. If there is a chance that something he does will invoke that in you, then stay away from him. (Stern look on her face) Honestly, if at one point you want to pick your phone and call him, you are not over him. Move on for crying out loud!

Now if you are in a relationship, don’t you think this kind of communication is bound to cause “World War 3”?
No no no… Such restrictions should not Exist because it is selfish. In my case, if I am free with my ex, I treat him as an ex, why should I have insecurities? Why should I think when you go out with your ex, you will end up in bed?
Such restrictions should not happen but again, every relationship has its own working formula. It can be tricky but it is not harmful.

For purposes of respect and maintaining your relationship, wouldn’t it be wise to cut ties?
I believe in not letting go of relationships because my partner said so…I don’t! I don’t believe in changing who you are for the sake of someone else. Just because your partner has told you to totally transform, doesn’t mean you have to, honestly? (Rolls her eyes)
If my boyfriend asked me to stop communicating with my ex, I would task him to give me a good reason why he wants me to stop and I will also give him reasons why I shouldn’t stop.
Some people even order their partners to delete the phone numbers. Others make threatening phone calls to their partners’ exes in a bid to protect their territory. Very selfish! Why does he still call you? Why does he still talk about you? So many questions… But if your man talks about me, is it my fault? I am an ex, please deal with him (bursts out into laughter)

But are you aware that for the female folk, the ex-factor is a sensitive matter because they find it discomforting?
It is by nature that women are mistrusting. Even if a man shows you that he will never get back with his ex, there is that ounce of insecurity. The reason is we judge them by history; they are men and they all cheat. This is not absolutely true and also we have failed to judge them individually. There must be a place where Man A is different from Man B.

Bottom line?
As long as it will not in any way harm the current relationship, I have no problem with it. Communicate but keep the boundaries clear.