Thursday September 14 2017

Snooping does more harm than good


By Derrick Wandera

I know of two families in my neighbourhood who have had endless marriage wrangles. Last year, one of them parked their bags in and out of the marriage a number of times. The couple has been together for the last eight years. The other has also had endless wrangles.
Because of their frequent fights which have turned public, last month, some neighbours decided to intervene.
In the first scenario, Nagawa accused her husband of flirting with other women and threatened to quit the marriage if he did not stop. She says she got to know after reading WhatsApp conversations in her husband’s phone. This started a fight.
The other accuses the husband of picking calls and moving out of the house to talk in privacy.
“My wife wants me to explain to her all the phone calls I make to any person of the opposite sex. She sometimes follows me to listen to the conversations I have with them,” confessed Wetala.
William Kitaka, a bar tender, who has been married for 34 years, says couples must understand that having friends of the opposite sex is essential. He says couples need to sow trust as the first seed in a relationship.
“If you miss out on trust, then your relationship is bound to come crumbling down. Snooping on your spouse’s privacy is indicative of mistrust,” said Kitaka.

Necessary evil
Nagawa still recalls how in her previous relationship she was heartbroken days towards her introduction. She says her boyfriend then, surprised her when she introduced a girl she had all along thought was a friends.
“I have never forgotten that time. I ignored and moved on eventually. But since then it haunts me whenever I see anyone flirting. I become suspicious and end up snooping for more clues,” Nagawa says.
For some reason, Kasisa has never forgiven his wife for the mischief he had caught her in. For the 12 years they had been married, he had never stopped spying on her even when she went to the market. “After I realised that women can be good lairs and cheats, I made sure I kept track of all my wife’s movements. I would call her and if she did not pick, I would make surprise visits back home. My spying paid off, I caught her in the act and I am not sure I have forgiven her,” says Kasisa.

Resolve in the conflict
After incidents such as Kasisa’s, many would end the relationship but he chose to stay married. He talked with his wife and even if he says his wife did not look apologetic he moved on.
“Even when we talked she did not show any sign of remorse. I kept my cool and emphasised that we needed to get over the whole incident. We moved on,” Kasisa narrates.
Counsellors have advised that running away from the problem is not a solution. They also say spying is not a way of solving an infidelity crisis; it is rather breeding mistrust in the relationship.
Frank Ozombo, a husband and marriage counsellor at Vine Yard City Church in Ndeeba, says relationships involving a cheating spouse ought to trace the paths they treaded while getting connected to each other.
“When you meet through unscrupulous ways, chances are you will cheat on one another. But there is need for counselling and talking to each other if the cause of mistrust is emanating from infidelity,” Ozombo says.