Talkative Jessica will be my beautiful death
I love her. I see a future with her in her eyes. I see lots of little us running about our expansive compound overlooking Lake Bunyonyi. Jessica, will somehow manage to whip a meal out of the leftover Chicken Tonight ketchup and water in my fridge. Jessica will have other women mentally undressing her. Jessica is that good.
But she talks a lot; she speaks loudly and faster than a sewing machine. About anything - even that that she doesn’t know a thing about. She talks so much that all the time, it just does not make sense. They say on average girls speak 25,000 words a day. Jessica is an exception. She speaks 45,000 words.
She is the type that will find you watching a game of soccer, with the boys in a bar over loud music and start a conversation.
“Do you know what that Pope chick told the President in Scandal!?”
“No, but I know my team has conceded a third goal which I have missed.”
“Oh really? Anyway even that Mourinho is old. That team needs someone like, like oba who, Vince Musisi.”
At this point the boys celebrate another goal as I pretend to listen to the gibberish that is spewing out of her mouth.
“A goal again? Ah, the reason why this country will never develop is because young men like you - as she points at the boys - wake up to watch sports. You should instead be fighting for your rights. Which reminds me, should I wear the red dress or the blue top and black skirt tomorrow?
“Well, I think the...”
“Never mind I will go with the blue dress. You have never been helpful even when it comes to my dresses. But you see the blue dress brings out my complexion which when I combine it with the other pump shoes makes my hips even more visible yet when I wear the green dress. Anyway let me let you watch your game.”
“Thank God.”
“So that’s Chelsea and who again?”
At this point one of the boys said, “For Christ’s sakes, dude. Reign in on your girlfriend eish! She is competing with the generator.”
At home that night I had to sedate myself to sleep. Do you know how hard it is to sedate yourself?
Another day during church service, on top of singing all hymns off key, she loudly asked whether God really told the preacher that we should pay tithe. And that unless he shows her proof next time we come to church that he was instructed to collect money from us, she will not do the offertory.
I ended up apologising to the congregation on her behalf.
I swear I have even heard her speak in her sleep.
I have failed to keep track of how conversations switch and what we are talking about every day. I have bought ear mufflers to try and keep sane in vain. I have contemplated relocating to the North Pole. I swear I have thought about knocking out some of her teeth, so she can keep quiet for at least three seconds in a minute.
They say when you find a talkative woman, you will have dug your own grave. Jessica is my beautiful death.
