What you post might ruin your relationship

Most people secretly follow their partners on social media. PHOTO BY RACHEL MABALA.

What you need to know:

If you want to know how someone wants the world to see them, sometimes you may not need to look further than the patterns in their social media feeds. This is sometimes true when it comes to their most intimate relationships. While it’s normal and even healthy to be proud and public about who you are dating, there is need to draw a line.

There is no doubt that social media is a popular, convenient and instantly gratifying way to connect with others. Relationships would be lost or disrupted without Snap chat, Facebook or Skype. But in much as sites such as Facebook with approximately one billion users worldwide help us to reconnect with old friends and keep relationships alive, there are growing concerns that social media actually does more harm than good as far as intimate relationships go.

A recent study in the US, found a link between social media use and decreased marriage quality in every model analysed. It also found that a 20 per cent annual increase in Facebook enrollment was associated with a 2.18 per cent to 4.32 per cent increase in divorce rates. The study’s model from the individual survey results predicts that people that do not use social media are 11 per cent happier in their marriages than people that regularly use social media.

Cheating partners
Nancy has lived through the horror of the negative impact of social media and narrates her woeful tale. “I am one of those people who joined Facebook rather late, 2010 to be exact and I wish had never gone through the circumstances which forced me to. I did not know that my live-in boyfriend was having an affair until my friends saw it on Facebook. Confident in the knowledge that I was not on Facebook, he decided to post every detail of his new catch all over his timeline. Encouraged by his example, the new girlfriend outdid herself posting pictures of them in compromising situations with graphic captions. I am sure I would never have known about the affair had their posts not deteriorated into soft porn to the shock of my relatives and friends who decided to let me know. I still remember the dress I was putting on as I sat next to my best friend reading with increasing revulsion the self-published anatomy of my boyfriend’s betrayal, carelessness and sheer impunity.

I could have gone on for days but I felt bad cramps and suddenly wet and sticky on the chair only to discover that I had started bleeding. And the nightmare began. By the time my friend found a cloth to wrap around my now bloodied dress, I could hardly walk due to painful cramps. I was rushed from Kitintale to Paragon hospital in Bugolobi but it was too late for my baby. My extreme shock had induced a miscarriage.
I could not bring myself to forgive a man who had not only been the cause of the loss of my baby but had humiliated me publically with such wanton abandon. I ended the relationship and joined Facebook.
Today, Nancy’s social media accounts are buzzing with activity. She posts almost every hour, has more than 10,000 followers and friends and yes she confesses to keeping tabs on all her husband’s social media activity.
Nancy is not an exception in fact she is the new normal. The obsession with smartphones has not only changed the way people spend time, but the way they feel and think.

People place their self-esteem on how many likes they get, how many followers and how often the WhatsApp notification pings.

In the book, Unfriending My Ex, writer Kate Stolz took an informal survey and found that 10 per cent of the respondents had checked their phone during sex at some point. She also reveals that Facebook fosters jealousy, spying, and virtual affairs, and links the addiction to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) (she even unearths an expert who predicts that no one will be spared some sort of “iDisorder”).

While social media gives one a chance to learn more about people they associate with, it becomes too invasive for those in romantic relationships. Just a cursory run-through a person’s social media account reveals a person’s state of mind, documented communications, evidence of time and place, proof of spending or income, evidence of actions, evidence of who a person spends time with.

Fear of the unknown
Livingstone, a media personality, says he does not and cannot follow his spouse on social media. “It is called social media for a reason. People say things they feel like without limitations. What you do not see does not worry you. Someone might post something on your partner’s wall yet you have no idea who that person actually is. As a media personality I sometimes take pictures with several people and I cannot control how they may want to use them. To keep your relationship safe, it’s either you both use one account or do not follow each other at all. Even if you follow, you must be a silent follower.”

Whether suspicions are founded or unfounded, people often feel uneasy about their relationship after discovering something on their partner’s Facebook account. This often leads to increased monitoring, jealousy, and conflict in a relationship. In fact, researchers have found that the more a person examines their partner’s Facebook activity, the more that person reports jealousy and mistrust.

In most cases such suspicion is often warranted. A recent survey revealed one in 10 adults admits to hiding messages and posts from their significant other. Eight per cent of adults in relationships admit to having secret accounts. And one in three divorces now start as online affairs. With smartphones and social media apps, it’s never been easier for dissatisfied spouses to look for a new relationship, get in contact with an ex, or seek out a fling.

Is it okay for couples to interact on social media?

“My partner is not so much into social media so I have never really given it much thought. But we do follow each other but rarely respond to each other’s posts. Except perhaps on WhatsApp.”
Linda Nabusayi Wamboka

“I do follow my wife on social media. I think it is one of those ways of understanding your partner much better especially the things she likes and dislikes.
Andrew Kulayigye

“I follow my spouse and post pictures of her all the time. Honestly, I don’t mind them. My only problem is that when we are having problems they can obviously tell from our status updates. I wish I could change that.”
Herman Olimi