When the divorce bug bites your relationship

What you need to know:

“What God has put together let no man put asunder.” The Bible may be the most authoritative book, and yet we have seen people go against its teachings. No doubt there are instances when a marriage cannot work anymore, and the only option is divorce. Mathias Wandera looks at some of such instances and the things you ought to know about divorce.

“He began with the children, always flogging them so violently for issues as trivial as showering late. And whenever I would interfere to stop him, he would throw verbal insults and humiliate me in front of the children and the maid.”
Stella is a mother of two girls (11 and nine). She had been married to her husband for nine years before they dissolved their marriage.

She says divorcing her husband is still the toughest call she has ever answered in her life. Theirs had been a normal marriage, obviously with some ups and downs.

You must have come across the saying that marriage is not a bed of roses.
It always comes as a bell of caution, one which society sounds for young people who find themselves caught under the spell of love and contemplating a lifetime commitment. The idea is to make it clear to all lovebirds that much as marital bliss is all they hope for, sometimes the tide will get rough so they must prepare to put up with hardships.

If the current trend of divorce is anything to go by, then perhaps scores of Ugandans now subscribe to the modern school of thought — one which affirms that indeed, marriage cannot be a bed of roses, and if it proves to be a constant hotbed of frustration, it should be terminated.

Courts today have seen a huge number of people storm their corridors demanding that their marriages be dissolved. In 2012 alone, 12 couples were awarded divorce in the Family Court Division of Uganda, and by June 2013, 32 couples were divorced, doubling the number of cases filed the previous year.

Religious leaders and moralists have come out to demand that the institution of marriage be accorded its deserved respect by upholding the standard of it being a permanent union.

The Bible too holds strong emotions against divorce as it asserts that “A wife must not separate from her husband… and a husband must not divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
Nonetheless, it appears people are unmoved by all this.

In fact, due to the soaring rate of divorce cases, some people have decided to wrap a bit of sarcasm around the whole issue. Once on social media, you come across statements like: “Have you caught the divorce bug?”

So, why are so many people rushing for divorce?
Before their divorce, Stella’s husband had portrayed some violent traits, but she had grown to know him as a hot head and how to tame his occasional outbursts. It was, however, after the loss of his father that her husband changed - for the worse.

She nonetheless took his actions with light concern as she was sensitive to the fact that her father-in-law’s passing was a big blow to her husband, and he needed time to recover. On the contrary, however, he never seemed to get over it. It was as though the death of his father had instead awakened his true character. Soon he was returning home late.

“I confronted him but he would never take me seriously. At times he just insulted me and called me names. Then one time he slapped me and beat me up when I threatened to call the LC and police,” Stella says. She had demanded that he stops sleeping in bars, spending money on expensive beer and that “cheap girl”, a lady Stella had known for some time though he had shrugged her off as “just a woman he knows”, not his mistress.

“I had suspected it for long and we had in the past engaged in several heated moments over her. Of course, he would never own up that he was seeing another woman, but news reached me that he spent time with her,” she recalls.
It was after that beating that Stella knew the cookie would soon crumble. Family and close friends intervened to mend fences but things never really got back on rail and as Stella notes, she still loved him but at some point she did feel she was holding onto the marriage only for the sake of the children.

A year later, she filed for divorce! It was a tough decision but one she had been contemplating for months. Her petition for divorce was on grounds of adultery and cruelty. Her husband contested the petition, and this threw the spanner in the works and the case went on for ages, not only costing her time and lots of money, but also emotional drain.

“We were in court for almost 13 months. I got the divorce and a fair settlement. I also got custody for my daughters and court put in place a reasonable child support plan from my ex-husband. I cannot say I am happy with the divorce, because the damage will always be there. My children too have had to deal with the post-divorce baggage. They have had to shift with me to a new place, join a new school and lose old friends. Plus, they miss their daddy. He has visitation rights, but I can tell they miss his permanent presence and I feel sad because it has been tough for them,” she shares.

Polly Nuwagaba, a relationship counsellor with Family 101 Uganda, says divorce is sometimes justified, especially in cases where marital stories have ended in a tragedy. “Why stay in a life threatening union?” Nuwagaba asks, although he adds that he does not exactly give a thumbs-up to divorce. In fact, as he says, unless all flags signal that the marriage has put the life of either party at stake, divorce is a bad idea. “Often the effects of dissolution of marriage are extreme.

The two adults involved are bound to suffer because divorce tends to leave a mental and emotional wound, and the scar shall forever remain. And when there are children in the picture, these are deeply affected. Everything ranging from altered living arrangements to the inefficiencies in post-separation parenting, affect children,” Nuwagaba says.

He reveals that often children in broken marriages are not adequately provided for or well taken care of and all these factors always manifest in such children in form of poor academic grades, anger, rage and fear.

Why the increasing divorce cases?
Janet Namuddu, a lawyer with Kibeedi & Co Advocates, points to social factors, especially lack of patience. She, however, sights that the Ugandan law has loosened a few ends to make it easier for people to obtain divorce.
Initially, one had to prove a major ground of divorce; adultery, desertion or cruelty. And much as a man could base upon adultery alone to petition for divorce, a woman had to blend adultery with some other grounds such as incest, bestiality or cruelty.

However, today, the doctrine of irreparable breakdown of marriage alone can win one a divorce. All you have to prove is that the marriage has broken down to such a point that it is irreparable.
Faisal Umar Mulalira, a divorce lawyer at Nabukenya, Mulalira & Co advocates, adds that the nuts were further let loose in the 2005 Constitutional Court case where the Association of Uganda Women Lawyers and five others took on the Attorney General.

The decision of this case levelled the initially-biased ground as it allowed women equal say in filing for divorce.
“Today both men and women can petition divorce on only one ground, unlike the old system where a woman had to come forth citing adultery and some other ground. This, of course, has seen quite a number of women file cases and actually walk away with a marital dissolution,’’ Mulalira explains.

The tight rope of legal gymnastics
Nonetheless, all these legal amendments have not exactly made the divorce process a downhill trip. According to Mulalira, the process of acquiring divorce has remained a walk down a tight rope. “As procedure, normally before but also sometimes after hearing the case, court allows the couple a decree nisi — a six-month period where the couple may have a change of mind and decide against divorce.

Then the hearing process itself may take years, depending on the facts of the case. So you find that someone may lose a year to three years stuck in the hustle of divorce. Not to mention that it is also financially-crippling. Right from the filing charges to legal fees given to the lawyer and often travelling and subsistence meant for witnesses, one may part with millions of shillings,’’ Mulalira says.

Remarrying after divorce

Much as Islam discourages divorce, it still recognises it and it is referred to as talaq. Muslims can therefore remarry in their faith after divorce. Christianity, on the other hand, frowns at divorce and does not even recognise it.

Fr John Mungereza, a priest at Our Lady of Africa, Mbuya, says the Catholic Church only recognises annulment, where a marriage is scrapped as a fraud either when the person or church that brought the two people together lacked the license to do so, or where the marriage was not capable of consummation from the start. However, where the marriage was valid by all standards, divorce is not allowed.

“Marriage is permanent, according to the church. And we uphold this standard, not only for matters of faith but for the well-being of the people involved, especially the children. So, even when people get divorce from court, for us they will always be married. Those who go against the church to get divorce in law, we still allow them in church but they are not welcome for Holy Communion, for they have sinned,” Fr Mungereza says.

Property sharing, child custody and alimony

The law demands that property be shared between a couple, in case of dissolution of marriage. But for purposes of fairness, only property acquired during marriage is what can be shared.

“These girls who trick rich men into marriage and then play the divorce card hoping to gain the man’s wealth are always in for a rude awakening. The car somebody acquired before marriage cannot be sold off for both parties to share. For example, a shop acquired during marriage and from which the family derives sustenance, is what can be shared. And even then, court looks at each partner’s contribution. If the wife invested more capital in this shop, she will take the lion’s share,” explains Mulalira.

Children: Usually where children are part of the divorce equation, the most contentious issue is their custody. The main aspects that court has to decide on here are; who takes physical custody of the children, maintenance of the childrem and education needs. Mulalira believes court always takes a decision that is in the best interest of the children. A parent with financial stability may be bound to meet the education needs of the children and physical custody will be awarded to the parent court believes will do a better job at child rearing. The sex of the children will also play a part, with a woman standing higher chance of getting physical custody of the daughter and a man the son.

Alimony: This is basically financial maintenance court that may require either the man or woman to offer the other after divorce. It is always a way of protecting one party from the devastating economic melt-down after divorce. Court decides on the amount, depending on how affected the deserved party is. And it could be a temporary arrangement which always spins on for three years or permanently.

AT WHAT POINT WOULD YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE?

“I am an avid Christian, so I do not believe in divorce, because the Bible strongly frowns at it. In fact, divorce is a topic that should not even be tabled, however, Mathew 19:9 allows divorce only on grounds of adultery. But still, I believe this should only be if there is clear evidence of infidelity,”
Lawrence Totimeh, Business Development Executive

“I believe by the time you get married to someone, you are determined to stay with them through thick and thin. There should not be anything like divorce. For me, I would never push for a divorce. But if my partner wants a divorce, then I can let them go,”
Stella Kyomuhangi, Pharmacist

“The day I find my wife in bed with another man then for sure there will be no going back! Though I would never base on rumours to push for divorce. I would have to find her myself. Or maybe when somebody brings me a photo of her in bed with another man,”
Solomon Muwanguzi, Businessman