Tuesday April 18 2017

When you have to play detective


By Dorcus Murungi

For any relationship to flourish, it must be based on trust and truth. These aspects are key in laying a strong foundation for a lasting relationship.
Stanley Mubiru, a marriage counsellor in Mukono District, says deception is the leading family and relationship wrecker. “Married people should be open to each other because when you get married you become one flesh. In marriage, there should not be something like hiding, be transparent,” he says.
Although theories of what constitute a good marriage have been popularised, couples still lie about a number of issues. The most common being their account details, occupations, biological children, property ownership and sometimes even their true feelings.

According to Amina Nantume, a relationship counsellor, a considerable number of married people lead a life of deception.
“The last person you should lie to is your husband or wife because this is the person you are meant to live with for your entire life. There is nothing that haunts a person’s conscience like living a life of lies because most of the time, you will be insecure, always worried about the possibility of someone finding out the truth,” she notes.
Nantume says although married partners have lied about crucial things and managed to get away with their lies unpunished, there are ways partners can find out about deception in marriages as explained below.

Tracking calls
If you are keen, telephone exchanges can give you insights into a person’s life. “You can try and follow up a phone conversation and you never know it can lead you to something. If your spouse is the type that goes to an isolated place every time certain calls come through, then you need to get interested. It may not be the best option but it can lead to discoveries,” says Joviah Nyakwera, a mother of three.

Spot checks
According to Nantume, surprise visits at home can reveal a number of things that you least expect. “Everyone has a specific time that they return from work, in most instances, the people that you stay with must be familiar with which time to expect you and some use that time to carry out forbidden acts. Once in a while make a surprise return, you might be shocked with what you find. I have heard of several incidents where wives have caught their husbands with house helps,” she shares.

People who knew your spouse way back before you met probably know him more and may have information that has not been disclosed. Mubiru says such people are a good resource.
“There are spouses that lie about their children especially women but somebody who grew up from the same village with them usually knows all that they can be hiding, and if contacted they can give you all that information,” he says.

Though spying looks a bit shrewd, it has exposed a number of lying couples, Mubiru reveals, adding that mobile phones have a lot of secrets.
“These days almost everyone uses a phone for communication. People have a lot of secrets kept in phones and you might find something that you did not expect, though you need to do more research before you react on something that you have discovered from a phone.”

Mind the language
Nantume says there are revelations which are made as a result of the slip of the tongue. “A lie cannot be maintained forever. This mostly happens in case of an argument or too much excitement where someone says what they were not meant to say,” she notes. If that happens, she advises partners to take note and make enquiries.

For those who can afford, they can install secret cameras around the house. These can keep you updated on what goes around your premises. This is the most appropriate way to catch a cheating spouse, especially those who make out with maids.
If you find anything suspicious, Mubiru advises not to confront your partner until you are certain that you have enough evidence to get a confession.