When you need to defend your partner

Gladys and Mike Mukula hand in hand. In February, Gladys defended and stood by her husband to the end during a defamation case.

What you need to know:

When a person is under attack over various allegations, infidelity inclusive, their partner’s reaction is important.

America’s 42nd president Bill Clinton’s tenure is said to have been riddled with sex scandals. And with each new allegation, eyes were focused on how his wife, Hillary, would react. Even when news of Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky broke out, The Washington Post’s Shawn Boburg wrote in his article Enabler or family defender? How Hillary Clinton responded to husband’s accusers, “a chill fell over the White House as the truth about Lewinsky emerged, former staffers and friends said. She (Clinton) had to do what she had always done before: swallow her doubts, stand by her man and savage his enemies”.
Coming closer to home, in February, during a hearing of a case in which Capt Mike Mukula was accusing Hello, a former tabloid in Kampala of defamation, his wife, Gladys Mukula, defended him. She said she would be surprised if her husband had a girlfriend. Gladys said: “If it is said that Mukula has a girlfriend, then I would be surprised because our marriage has lasted for long.” The couple has been married for 35 years.
Several of such stories in which partners defend one another in the face of allegations of theft, corruption, domestic violence, adultery, among others are common in our society. But would you defend your partner in such cases sometimes, even when you know they are guilty? Well, sometimes you are not really sure they are telling the truth but risk defending them. Is that the true meaning of ‘for better for worse’ promised in marriage vows?

Calling for respect
Dan and Ann Ssekitto have been married for five years. While attending a board meeting Bright Stars Primary School in Mutundwe, where they both are members, Ann had to put up a front as other members ridiculed a presentation Dan was making about renovating the school. “Although I did not immediately react, I felt an urgent need to defend my husband and show them that even though they did not agree with him, he deserved respect. He managed to contain the situation, but everybody got my point,” Ann says.
According to David Kavuma, a counselling psychologist at Mildmay Uganda, when people marry, they expect their partners to make them feel like they are good enough.
“It is important for couples to show others parties that they will not tolerate any disrespect toward their partners. No matter who it is, people should never allow anyone to be rude or speak negatively to or of their spouse, even if it is their own family,” he says.

Under duress
Sometimes, men and women will defend their violent spouses because they do not want to ruin their reputation or fear the repercussions could be worse. Kavuma says: “Many of the physically abused women, especially those that have not been empowered, fear reporting their husbands and may defend them because the men fear they may hurt them more. They also worry about who would be taking care of the family if the husband is taken to jail.” It is different with men though, Kavuma says. “Abused men will deny being battered because it is unusual for men to be beaten by women. It is because of the ego and community perception that they choose to keep quiet or lie about not being beaten.”

Remain silent if not sure
With capital offences such as defilement or murder, people have to be careful not to obstruct justice however much they want to be loyal or protect their spouse’s public image.
Kavuma says: “Although there are partners who will defend their spouses even in criminal cases, if the other partner is not sure about what happened, they are better off staying quiet on the matter.”
Whether it is for marriage vows, or mere partnership, sometimes defending a partner against external attack or allegations is necessary. However, couples should do so with caution.

Legal vs Moral obligation

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, a counsellor at Ssuubi Medical Centre, says spouses should be careful before they start defending their spouses against some allegations. In criminal cases, for instance, it is good to have good judgment before you decide to defend your spouse. Naturally when we are emotionally attached to someone, especially a spouse, we love to imagine we can do anything for them. This would be the natural even amidst a sexual scandal or theft, however, in this case it is better the spouse be proved guilty than defend them. Defending them would be deviating from the moral code.
Legally Steven Senkeezi, an advocate with Senkeezi-Ssali Advocates & Legal Consultants, says a partner is not a compellable witness under the law but they may only come out to testify out of moral obligation. He says: “A partner is not a compellable witness. He or she should not be forced to testify against the partner in court unless they willfully do so especially out of moral obligation.”

How far is too far?

“Once you commit to someone, it means you ought to also support as well as defend them even if the accusations might be true. It does not make sense to put your issues in public but rather protect each other.”
Scovia Lukyamuzi, married
“I think this is where we all go wrong. A relationship is supposed to be between two people not the whole world. If the issue at hand is public, however, you must be careful when defending your partner. But always work out a private solution first.”
Silver Wesley, dating
“It is very good to defend your partner in public but cautiously, depending on the people present and also problem at hand.”
Gloria Aketch, counsellor
“Even if the accusations are false, you must defend your partner to save their public image. Defend them and investigate later. We are meant to protect each other in good and bad times.”
Emma Wagomwowa, recently married