Heart to Heart

When your friend’s mother or little brother makes a pass at you

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By Rose Rukundo

Posted  Thursday, March 27  2014 at  02:00

In Summary

Finding your level. You are in your third year at university and a boy in his Senior Six vacation makes a move on you, you feel flattered and laugh it off, but he insists on pursuing you. How about if it’s your friend’s mother making the move, what would you do? Rose Rukundo spoke to some people on how they can handle such a situation without hurting the other party.

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When a woman 10 years older makes a pass at you, what do you do? Run for your life? Tell your mum? Call 999? Insult her? Or simply give in? I mean, she has all the money, buys you fancy gifts, and can call you all day.
Solomon Mwebe happened to find himself in that exact situation. But for his case, the thought of dating an older woman was unheard of and he had to do anything to get rid of her. It was totally against his principles of dating.

“I always turned her down and with time she gave up on me. Dating an older woman is shameful. I can only keep them as friends,” the …-year-old says.

It’s no surprise to once in a while meet/hear about a woman who is dating a younger man and although, at a minimal level, the reverse is true. Ideally, different men will respond differently to passes made at them by older women and in the same way, different ladies react differently towards advances made to them by younger men. So, what is the best thing to do when someone younger makes a pass at you? Or in a man’s case, if an older woman makes a pass at you.

Hilary Mugisha, a middle-aged businessman, says he is in love with a lady who is about five years older than him. With her, he is a happy man because she does everything expected of a partner, and therefore he finds no problem dating a younger or even a girl of his age.

“My wife has invested a lot in my business and she treats me like a baby. I find older women more loving and caring compared to their younger counterparts,” Mugisha says.
So, is it all about the attention and potential to invest in his business for this young man?

According to Mr David Kavuma, a counsellor at Mild May Uganda, openness is very important in such situations, especially if one is not interested. It is better than keeping the relationship for other selfish reasons such as love for money.

He advises people to be respectful by not insulting the other person and if possible, just be friends with them.
For many women, their potential suitor must be at least a year older than them. Women like someone they think will be in control. So it is no surprise when a woman says dating a younger man is weird. But like they say, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

Take an example of Judith Mushabe, a 22-year-old who is in love with a man two years younger than her. She loves the experience and they have bigger plans for the future.
She says she also feels secure because both their parents know about their affair. To her, what matters is someone’s ability to make her happy and not their age.
Diana Nabwanika, a counsellor, says mutual love for one another is what matters in a relationship.

She says age difference in a relationship should not only be looked at negatively and encourages people to thoroughly understand each other regardless of their age differences.

But Joram Ssengendo, 23, has a negative attitude towards the idea of dating older women no matter their financial status. He says most of them always use money to win younger men’s hearts and yet money doesn’t matter when pursuing somebody.
He shared tips on how he managed to get rid of his friend’s mother who was trying to use money to win his heart.

“I turned down her offers such as material gifts and even had to resign the job she had got for me in order to push her away. She slowly stopped bothering me,” Ssengendo says.

Mr Kavuma says people need to be focused and respect their desires, especially if there is an age difference of about 10 years.

He says both women and men should always mind about what kind of partner they want before making any decisions and if these younger partners meet a woman’s expectations, it is fine to move on with them.

According to datingwithdignity.com, an older woman does pose an alluring challenge for a younger man. Not only is she at her most confident, but this woman has got it together. She supports herself and is in touch with her needs. Some younger men feel like they can learn from her and that she has enough life experience for both of them.
The relationships site adds that older women tend to exude a more “together” vibe, seeming to be more in tune with their needs (physical or otherwise), which makes her very attractive to younger men. The problem, however, can be that an older woman is simply a challenge for the younger man. And since it’s likely he’s in a different stage of his life, just beginning to establish his career, getting to know himself, and possibly not yet ready to make a long-term commitment, the age difference can be a deal breaker.

Could this explain Jacob Wenwa’s scenario, where an older woman who called him to his house for a business deal instead started seducing him and telling him how much she had always wanted him for a lover.
In order to get rid of her, the middle-aged businessman claimed that he had something urgent to attend to at home.
According to most men, the best way to avoid such women is by turning down their offers and being straight forward with them and keeping a distance.

So there you have it. You can run, hide, cut communication, be straight with them or you can ‘eat’ her money, receive her gifts or just play along. Your choice depends on what your heart wants.