When your parents say no, please listen

I begin this with a disclaimer: I am not racist. I am no segregationist. I am not even close to the chaps who entrenched apartheid in South Africa. Thank you.
The two things on my mind may make one think I am pro-discrimination; don’t blame Muslims when they demand that their daughters marry Muslim men. Don’t blame my Kakwa friends, if they ask their sons and daughters to marry their own. Don’t force interracial marriages on groups who don’t want to mix with others – they might after all be saving you from the pain and sorrow that comes with marrying one of their own.
The other point; Listen to your parents when they have something to say about the person you are planning to marry.
Had Sarika Patel listened to her parents, she would not have any regrets, shame, or nurse the heartache she suffers today.
Sarika is an Asian girl in Kenya who fell madly in love with Timothy Khamala, her indigenous Kenyan houseboy. Theirs was a romantic story that would compete for honours with Romeo and Juliet or the Cinderella tale, had the marriage not ended last week.
Sarika hails from a wealthy Indian family and Timothy was her parents’ houseboy. In short, her houseboy. When their love reached the peak, the two decided to get married, amid her parents’ disproval.
Like other fantastic stories, there is an element of tragedy to them.
Sarika is now accusing her darling Timothy, of assaulting her and worst of all, denying her medication when she fell sick. When she complained of the mistreatment, he beat her up and started treating her like trash.
She now claims she made a mistake marrying him and she is asking her parents to accept her back. The parents are still reluctant.
There are many faces to this story. This might be a fight like of any other couple. But, there is a reason some people do things the way they do.
You have heard that our Asian brothers and sisters don’t want to mix their race. But is the ideal about mixing races, or having happier marriages? If by mixing races marriage comes to no good, then we should stop yapping about marrying Asians or Latinos. They don’t want unhappiness for their children. Sawa?
My take: Intermarriages are good, but if any group feels or in their experience think it helps their children if they married within their group, so be it. It is their choice. Do not impose your values on them. Stories of youth like Sarika and Timothy have often ended sadly when the reality of mixed race marriages dawns on them.
Good marriages are a combination of certain values shared by the couple. Some values cannot be harmonised by just a ring, or, by a priest pronouncing you husband and wife. There are things some cultures do not tolerate, and that is what is valued in the other culture or religion, so, the couple is bound to fight over what they hold so dear.
It is true that the less differences a couple has to work on, the better for the two to work on what takes them forward. If the couple has more things to disagree or compromise about, then more conflicts are bound to occur in their marriage. If by marrying someone of another race would bring about conflicts in the family, then it is better not to marry at all.
And the last point. I actually picked this from a colleague, David, who wrote on my Facebook wall when I shared the story of Sarika.
“I have never heard of a success story when one defied parents. The trick is to win them over.” He is right. We all should listen to our parents when a decision to marry comes. You are bringing someone new into the family, and you can pretend to say this is absolutely your decision to make, but you only defy your parents’ wisdom at your own risk.
You need your parents’ support, and you need to draw from their experience. When they warn you against something, listen to their wisdom.
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