Saturday November 13 2010

When you get your spouse cheating

By Christine Katende

Adultery is one of the most damaging things that can happen, to a marriage. Christine Katende writes about how to deal with it

Fred Waswa who was married for three years divorced his wife after he found her cheating on him with another man in their marital bed. He was heading to Gulu for some business but as he reached the bus park, he realised he had forgotten some of his documents at home. So he postponed his journey the following day without notifying his wife.

Later in the evening when he returned home, he found his wife’s car parked in the compound but in an unusual place. Waswa reveals that incidentally, he found the main door open. His wife’s bag and the car keys were on the floor. When he opened the bedroom door, he saw his wife with another man. “I only asked her to surrender the car keys and leave the house,” he said. And that’s how their marriage ended and unfortunately the new relationship his wife had never lasted for more than three months.

This is one of those couples that face such tragedies. Although many newlywed couples promise never to commit adultery, this is one thing that many practice.
Rev. Denis Odoi, a biblical counsellor attached to Grace Trust Church in Kasubi says adultery is committed because the level of unfaithfulness among couples is high. Odoi adds that it’s mainly committed among wealthy couples.

“The more money one earns and gets the more spiritual problems he/she is bound to get,” he says. “Adultery is also brought about by the unmet sexual needs in a marriage. In cases where a woman’s sexual desires are not fulfilled, she looks out for another man thus committing adultery,” Odoi explains.

But how can one avoid committing adultery? Odoi gives some ideas on how to go about it; Couples should always find out things that they enjoy doing together like swimming, watching television, movies and reading newspapers, visiting friends and shopping. This keeps the communication between the two strong. Odoi defines a growing marriage as one where communication keeps flowing and a dying marriage is one where the couple no longer communicate to one another.

In cases where there are unresolved conflicts or fights, a couple should understand that it’s healthy to have such disagreements and that having clashes when married should never lead to adultery. “Clashes are a necessary evil in any growing marriage, but the way they are handled is what varies. The more problems a couple resolves, the more closer they become,” Odoi notes.

Never compare your marriage or relationship to another. The moment you make comparisons in your marriage it’s bound to fail. “One thing we should know is that, every relationship or marriage has its setbacks. You don’t have to copy another couple if you want to stay happy,” he adds.

If you are an affected partner, always find forgiveness in your heart, mind and soul and accept that the relationship will not be the same. “Have faith in what God plans for you, your spouse and the marriage,” Odoi asserts adding that “In case it’s going out of hand then talk to a counsellor. He says that there is always need to overcome the guilt, shame, blame and the lame thinking. Pray that you and your partner can release bitterness and find healing. It is good to avoid being tempted again.

Whenever you are hurt, voice out your grievances, pain, past and future expectations with each other and enjoy the power of unfailing, immovable, unconditional love by recognising it each day. Odoi cautions couples to know that adultery should never rob them of a healthy marriage, there is need to offer support to each other to keep the relationship and marriage interesting, trustworthy and friendly.