SENGA LUCY: I have failed to find the man I deserve

Dear Lucy,
I’m wondering why I have failed to find someone who can treat me the way I deserve to be treated. All I seem to land on are married men. Is the problem with me, or is it because men are very tricky characters? Are there signs you can read to tell whether a man is right for you or not?

Dear Inquirer,
I am sorry that you have had to endure bad relationships but you are on your way to overcoming this. From your inquiry, I assume you have identified some characteristics of good treatment. Permit me to start with you. Consider how you treat the people who you seem to attract – that is: the married men. What is it that you do that seems to draw them toward you? Is it the way you speak to them, carry yourself, dress, body language, reaction to them, behaviour?

The Baganda have a way of defining a “loose” person. They say: amaaso agatwaalira mu ngalo, to literally mean the person’s eyes are in their hands! Though it may be difficult for you to understand, sometimes it’s just the way we look at people that seems to send a message of welcome, need or availability.

To steer clear of married men, you need to make a clear statement from the start that you do not wish to entertain any relationship with them. The person may take offence but you will have saved yourself from being used and dumped.

And now, to how to tell a man is right for you. You should have the characteristics of good treatment that I referred to in the first paragraph on your fingertips. The things that you detest the most should be the early warning signs that this person is not good for you. If you are always compromising your principles for the sake of finding a man, this emotion will peep through and men will use it to manipulate you. Ensure that you do not appear as a needy character, longing for love. Time and space will not allow me to go into detail, but some of the other elements include the following:

Physical attraction: This may not sound important to many but I believe it offers the first step to being connected. If you ignore the physical attraction because you are looking for all the other factors on your wish list, you may discover that being drawn to each other was a façade and you failed to blend.

Trust: When you can trust this person with very personal and discreet information and that this trait is mutual. How much would you say this person is sharing about himself?