I want to get married but I don’t want to...
Posted Friday, January 11 2013 at 00:00
“Oh, the lure of staying single all my life!” That is what was going through my mind as other people welcomed the New Year, and others were relieved that the world hadn’t ended as predicted. The world ending? That was the last thing on my mind, but this New Year thing, and the chance to set new resolutions...that kind of bothered me. Not the kind of person to make New Year resolutions, this time round, I felt I needed to set something, especially in the field of relationships. Perhaps, it was time to settle down and get serious.
The girl at my side was screaming her head off, and didn’t seem to be having the internal conflict I was experiencing. So, she must have been really surprised when I turned to her and told her that this year, I was going to get serious in my relationships.
For starters, that was a complex topic to be discussed amidst all the chaos and noise. Second, she probably didn’t understand what I meant by “serious” since we had been going steady, at least according to her, for some time now. But my version of steady meant something different, and that version did not include the likes of her. She was a girlfriend, I was thinking of a soul mate.
True, I enjoy her company a lot, that’s why we have lasted this long, and I wouldn’t mind going on like this forever. But, nothing lasts forever. Soon, things start changing, and we can’t stay eternally young. And I know she will soon tire of this make-believe relationship we are having. But oh, that lure of staying single; no attachments, every day is a holiday. I have seen some friends of mine rush to commit to relationships, and I don’t envy them at all.
Just like everything else, the honeymoon doesn’t last forever, and the regrets start coming, and they start resenting their partners for tying them down, and they wish they had waited a little longer, for someone more compatible with them.
Three years ago, I almost got myself in such a fix. She was a wonderful woman, and she wanted to settle down. I was completely taken up by her and would have given her anything, but the day she started talking about her parents, and visiting them,
I entered panic mode and that was the beginning of the end for us. She is now married to some other man, and I am still single and free. Free to live my life exactly the way I want it, with no one keeping tabs on me, or nagging the happiness out of me. That is not true, not all committed relationships are like that, deep down inside of me, I know it, but I can’t bring myself to admit that I need to settle down.
All my fears that this nice girl will turn into my most dreaded monster once we tie the knot are cancelled by the realisation that I have an equal role to play in turning her into that monster.
So, as this year starts, I wonder if I shall be brave enough to do what I have to do. My biggest enemy is myself, I am simply a coward.