My friend’s man wants an affair with me

Dear Lucy,
There is this guy who says he loves me but my friend was once interested in him and each time I ask him about what happens to my friend, he gets so worked up and he says we close the chapter. But how should I trust myself with a man who does not want to confront his past and begin afresh? What if he is using me? What should I do?

My Dear Lady,
You are telling us what it is he says, but I would like to begin by asking: what do you say? Do you love him in return? What became of the interest that your friend had in this man? Did it ever materialise into anything worth considering as a genuine relationship? Have you found yourself in a relationship that you feel uncomfortable about because your man was once your friend’s boyfriend? Forgive me for sounding too judgemental, but if none of the things I have mentioned above has happened, you are not bound by anything except yourself.

If one of the principles that govern your lifestyle is not to get involved with a person who may have had a relationship with your friend, then stick by it. You can very well tell that gentleman off and he will not continue to disturb you. However, if you cannot trust yourself around him, then probably what is happening is that you are driven to him and you wish to get approval from other people just to go on.

You should also think through his response when you question him. Why does he get worked up? Since it is him who suggests that you close the chapter, you need to know which chapter should be closed.

Is it the chapter of discussing the issue, or is it the chapter of the relationship? If it is the latter, then this is a good opening for you to consider pulling out of whatever it is that is between the two of you.

The situation will definitely give birth to a legion of misunderstandings. If this guy is not comfortable with talking about or letting your friend know that he is approaching you for a relationship, it means that there is something that he wants to hide. Your dealings with your friend’s ex should end or be kept to a minimum.

Should you choose to continue to have contact with him, you are most likely going to hurt yourself. Again, it is not my wish that you alienate him, but your friend should know about your relationship, otherwise you may end up with two bitter friends!
At the end of the day – the next action step is definitely with one person, YOU.

- Senga Lucy