Should some things be kept secret in a relationship?

Ideally, couples should be open with each other about everything but the reality is different. This has always been a subject for debate.

Being in a relationship is what most people yearn for but being in a relationship where couples share everything is a debate that deserves attention.

Some couples rarely get time to share while others have the time to talk but find it difficult to open up to each other where some issues remain secret for one reason or another. This is where the question of whether some things should be kept secret.

From the start
Rev Dr Uzzia Matte, a lecturer at Uganda Christian University, who has been married for over 30 years, thinks opening up to each other depends on the time frame. When couples are starting to date, it is never easy for partners to open up to each other as they are not sure of where they may end.

“It is advisable that partners in a relationship should open up to each other from the start but this is usually not easy for some people. Most of the relationships these days are breaking because one partner discovers that there are things that the other has been hiding. If it is too much for the other partner to bear, such a couple eventually splits,” he observes.

To avoid such occurrences, couples should be free to share everything including the strengths and weaknesses so that they can know how to help each other.

Matilda Nasozi, 76, a resident of Bugujju in Mukono District, agrees with the reverend. She says couples should never keep anything secret in a relationship. Throughout the 52 years she has been married to Sylvester Mulumba, they have been open to each other, which has enabled them to stay together.

Disclose or not
“We are free with each other. We agreed to always share anything and everything to bring up our children together as a united family. That we have taught to our children too. Keeping secrets in a relationship means one does not trust the other, which is an indication that such a couple was not meant to be,” Ms Nasozi says.

On the other hand, 33-year-old Peace Kisakye thinks it is not right for her to disclose everything to the partner in a relationship. She thinks some people can never be trusted as in the course of the relationship, they can change.

“To me, I believe some things should be kept away from a relationship. Things that concern my past are never relevant to my current relationship. Some people especially men can never be trusted. They change anytime. I never tell everything to my husband and he knows it,” she says.

“There are those that I need to keep to myself as a woman only to be shared with my fellow female friends.”

Necessary secrets
The same applies to Salongo Steven Sefuma, 57, who has been married for 30 years. He says that as a “traditional” man, he can never be that open.

“Traditionally, a man used to have an official wife with other women outside the relationship. Those other women had children too. So, for the sake of distributing the belongings to the children, it was only revealed after the man had died as they read the will. Such things, among others, had to be kept secret to avoid trouble,” Sefuma says.

But a marriage counselor, John Bird Ekisa, the CEO of Educare International, an organisation that offers counselling services, is of the view that couples should never hide anything from each other.

Discovered later
“Marriage is an institution that is supposed to be based on truth. It was initiated and ordained by God himself. Keeping things secret in a relationship means that such partners do not trust each other. Everything in their walk of life must be open. It has to start right on the first days of dating.”

He adds that once there are secrets in a relationship and later they are discovered, such a relationship is bound to fail. Therefore, building a relationship on openness and trust is the best way partners can sustain it.

Ekisa advises couples to create some time for themselves to be alone. This gives them time to study and learn from each other before getting committed in marriage to avoid the embarrassment of divorce later.

“Get some time alone as a couple. This gives the couple time to study each other before getting committed. Where there are weaknesses, they can be shared and be dealt with, other than hiding only to open up while in marriage. This has to be continuous even after getting married to fulfill the vows,” he says.

Partners should pray for each other for divine intervention where things are too hard to handle on top of seeking guidance from leaders, elders and counsellors.

If one’s past has a bearing on the future of the relationship especially issues to do with health and finances, partners should be very open and be free to share other than waiting for later manifestations, which is dangerous for the relationship.

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com