The life of a single father parenting a daughter alone

A father’s joys, regrets, fears and other things along the single parenthood journey, writes Grace Kenganzi

To Frank Gasumba, his daughter, Sheila, is the most beautiful young girl in the world. In her, he sees a future of a responsible woman who knows how to be a mother, a wife and a career woman, in that order. Gashumba has raised his daughter by himself for the greater part of her life, a decision he describes as the best gift he could have given her.

“I stayed with her mother for eight years though we were not officially married. I could feel our relationship deteriorating every day and I told her that the best gift we could give our little girl was to separate because I was not comfortable with this young girl hearing us quarrelling,” he says about Sheila’s mother, who still maintains her relationship with her daughter.

On single parenthood
The first challenge he faced when he took on single parenthood was finding a place for her to learn while at the same time nurturing their relationship. His solution came in a boarding school, which would let Sheila spend the weekend at home.
“I had to find a way of being enough for her because very many people would ask her things like is her mother alive since she rarely talked about her.

It seems to have worked because now we are close though she does challenge me lot. For instance when it comes to dress code, sometimes the clothes are too short and it is fashion to her but I have to be firm with her and that’s why sometimes she thinks I’m mad,” he says. “But, I tell her that everything I do is for her own good.” Indeed, he is firm about some things that teenagers today believe they cannot do without. One is clubbing and the other is social websites like Facebook. Gashumba stresses that he cannot let Sheila go to a club, at least not while she is under his roof. And Facebook, too, has rules as it is limited to only weekends, and friends limited to only those she really knows.

“It is very challenging when you have a 16-year-old girl. Sometimes they think that they are smarter. Sometimes she has women issues that I’m not well equipped to handle,” he points out.

The other lessons he has taught her in his own way. To learn cooking, he brought different chefs to teach her and every Sunday, Sheila cooks because it is something she will be expected to do as a mother and wife.

Fears about her future
As a single Dad, you would expect him to have some insecurity about a time in Sheila’s future when she will need more of a mother’s guidance than a father’s, but he does not.

His fear is not about being inadequate to help Sheila; rather it is the lack of a proper social system as was the case in the past, something he has no direct control over. He cites the sengas(aunties) who girls ran to for guidance and how today some of these Sengas are not in a position to be giving any advice as they do not seem to have any values themselves.

Sheila is young girl in the public eye since she started working on television when she was nine years. And to Gashhumba this is a good thing because she will learn about how to conduct herself in public and also the fact that not everyone has your best interests at heart. She knows that sometimes people will say things about you that are not true and it is good she realises this when she is still young.

Single and searching
“There is nothing good about single parenting but I’d rather have a peaceful single life than living a troubled ‘married’ life. However, that doesn’t stop me from hunting because at the end you have to marry. But the woman I decide to settle down with should be ready to put the family before any career,” Gashumba says about finding a woman with whom to raise a family. So until he finds that woman, he goes on to raise Sheila as a single father, and even added a young girl, Aisha Nabukeera to his family when she had problems with hers.

Tips from the dads

• As her father, you are the perfect example. Don’t engage in immoral acts because they will do just that. Instead set a standard for example.
• If you have child of both sexes, treat them the same.
• Respect them. Instruct less.
• If your daughter has done a mistake, don’t fear to reprimand her and remind her that you don’t do that and you require the same of her.
• Share your aspirations for her. Hold her in high regard and when they disappoint you, be honest and tell them how unhappy you are rather than pretend all is well. Also, when you have made a mistake confess and acknowledge it.
• Girls have their own requirements that most dads never take notice. Things like ear rings, perfumes if not bought may make their lives miserable. When you are a single father, you are confronted with girly issues and yet your daughter will never confide in you but would rather keep it to herself. Being a man, she finds it hard to share with you. You can make good use of aunties who will in turn share the issues with you.
• There is no formula to raising children on your own. You just have to understand that each child is different and find a way to accept each of them as they are, something that has come in handy for him since Sheila and Aisha have different personalities.
• To deal with the “women” issues, I send Sheila to a friend for the weekend and tip that friend about what she should discuss with her.